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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

282 replies

lolaflores · 18/09/2019 15:33

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 18/09/2019 19:57

Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.

Or Knackered? Doesn't want to talk anymore? Wants to wind down after another stupidly long day?

Ihatefootball86 · 18/09/2019 20:00

This was just the straw that broke the camel's back Flowers

BarrenFieldofFucks · 18/09/2019 20:01

He sounds like an arsehole tbh. I bet he manages to be polite to people at work despite his tiredness, but can't show you the same courtesy?

Cambionome · 18/09/2019 20:12

I'm a bit torn on this tbh.

I live with someone who is inclined to launch into conversations about Brexit when I get back after a stressful day at work, and I honestly feel like walking out of the room, horrible though that sounds.

However, your relationship sounds depressing and very upsetting. You need to talk to him at the weekend and he needs to listen to you.

And fuck that shit about greeting him at the door with a drink and running a bath for him!!! Just no. Angry

missyB1 · 18/09/2019 20:19

What I find most depressing about this thread is the posters who think they destroyed their previous marriages because they dared to expect any conversation from their exes, so now they are careful to keep their mouths shut and tiptoe round their new man.
I's rather be single.

WestEndWendie · 18/09/2019 20:21

@ScreamingLadySutch it really wasn't your fault he had an affair, overworked himself or anything else. I don't think being at the door with a welcome drink is the answer either.

OP I think you should do what a PP said and give him the shape up or get out talk. It's really awful the way he's treating you and I think I'd be at my limit now too.

ItsMsAtomicBobToYou · 18/09/2019 20:33

I am astounded at some of the responses to this. He chose the commute. He chose to be married. You don't get to walk in the door and treat your partner like crap because you've had a long day. The answer isn't to meet him at the door with a drink, it's for him to realise that marriage is a partnership and if you keep treating it with contempt you won't have it very long.

My husband works away. If he treated me like That when he came home, I'd be livid. And getting divorced. You are not staff. You are his wife.

Gemma1971 · 18/09/2019 20:37

Why did he not take the other job? Was it less money? A lesser position?

pjmask · 18/09/2019 20:38

When I come in (and he's not working), he comes down, gives me a hug, makes me a cuppa, listens to me vent about the day and then leaves me the fuck alone until it's time for food. And if I come in and immediately want to go upstairs and shut myself in a darkened room for a hour, he silently puts a cuppa beside the bed and walks away until either I go in search of him or it's 9pm, when he checks whether I'm awake

Sorry @MitziK but no job, no amount of money is worth living that life, your poor dp and any dc if you have them

user1479305498 · 18/09/2019 20:48

Might it make sense to move closer to work or look for a similar job nearer home or even stay over somewhere cheap 2 nights a week, must cost him a bomb in either petrol or train. I must make comment too about posters having a go at the OP about bringing up Brexit. It’s a worrying and serious situation and a lot of family set ups, jobs and businesses are at risk, lucky you if you don’t think it will affect you in any way. I get very annoyed in town here when I hear some very well dressed clearly comfortably off 70 year old in a cafe saying to others who are similar, I’m bored of it!! Lots of us just don’t have that luxury. I think IP though I wouldn’t take this personally, I think these drives do take a lot out of you and doing it every day is damn near unsustainable, I would just get busy doing your thing and leave him to unwind on his own.

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 20:55

The other job was pretty much equal all things considered. He hasn't been long enough at this place to leave. Under 2 years doesn't look good in his mond
He is home. I've been reserved and as expected he has gone off annoyed because I am not launching into conversation.
How was your day? Let him take it from there.
It seems when I dont do sparkling conversation then that's not on either.
I just sound like a snarky bitch now but I felt so humiliated yesterday and I think he expects me to bounce back and I cant. Not today

OP posts:
Cambionome · 18/09/2019 21:01

Hmm. Don't blame you, op.

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 21:01

I think he needs to stay down there a couple of nights a week. There is almost no point coming home only to head out again at 5.30 and then turn back up like Attila The Fucking Hun at the end of it.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 18/09/2019 21:07

There’s no need for his attitude at all. If he things you’re banging on, he just needs to be polite to you & tell you, not be an obnoxious prick

Butterymuffin · 18/09/2019 21:07

I see, so you're magically supposed to switch conversation on and off according to the subtle nuances of his mood? He's behaving as if you're a household appliance not a partner (which has also been the tenor of many replies here).

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 21:09

It would seem that I am supposed to recover my..magical bonhomie without a murmur. I wish I had a pre agreed schedule as to how and when my sparkle is needed and what settings

OP posts:
boddtm · 18/09/2019 21:21

@lolaflores Maybe there's an app you can get for that...
In all seriousness, I feel for you. You sound torn between the man you know he can be and the way he is with you now.
I think maybe trying to find a way for him to stay there a couple of nights a week to avoid the commute could work, but only if he put the effort in when he was home to be present while he's there...do you think he would?

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 21:25

I think hed be happy to stay away at this point and if it takes the pressure off then it seems the answer. If it makes him bearable again

OP posts:
Sostenueto · 18/09/2019 21:28

Don't think I'd be very receptive to a lot of chatter after a day so long, stressful and tiring. Dies he really want to listen to brexit when he gets home? Run him a bath, light some candles, pamper him and help him unwind, give him a bit of loving, have a laugh, have a drink with him, get drunk together, ask him how his day has been anything then a monologue of boring talk!

newhousestress · 18/09/2019 21:39

Have you discussed this together? Does he know how you feel?

bumblenbean · 18/09/2019 21:49

Sorry OP I don’t have much useful advice but just wanted to say I really empathise. It sounds utterly shit.

The idea of him staying away for a few nights a week could be a good one - if he was able to get ‘home’ (even if it was a hotel) and just unwind on his own a few nights maybe it would help him recharge - but then it doesn’t help you in terms of nurturing your marriage and spending quality time together.

I do think you need an honest conversation with him but best not to spring that on him- I would see if you could go out for lunch or something at the weekend and tell him what you’ve told us about how it’s making you feel.

Luckybe40 · 18/09/2019 21:51

Do you think he still loves you?

joystir59 · 18/09/2019 21:53

He wants and needs to zombie when he gets home. Leave him alone.

Plasebeafleabite · 18/09/2019 21:56

Your anger and resentment are coming off the page OP

40 minutes of concentrated chat is a lot. You have posters who work very long hours telling you they would not manage it.

You’ve gone from this to taking your bat and ball home tonight. Why is that really? Is there not a happy medium to be found? He’s certainly wrongfooted now. Will that help things?

I can’t be arsed with chatting much when I get in but I do have long phone chats with xdh whilst I’m sitting in the traffic coming home. Is this an option?

user1479305498 · 18/09/2019 22:13

I think OP I would suggest to air b n b it for him 2 nights a week , to take the pressure off, also how old is your daughter as if you aren’t working , then maybe if possible it might help you too so you can vent off to others. My H works from home and he too likes me to vent off too when I get in, I think sometimes it can be when you aren’t getting enough adult company— may not be the case here, but it may be, I’m not sure. I do have sympathy

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