Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

I don't think she mentions politics every night.
And I'm sick of awwww poor dear men let's let them be and pander. I'm sick of it.
Yes work is stressful. So is parenthood. So are womens lives and careers. A decent and polite conversation is not too much to ask.
Mine barely speaks but can type up a storm on his phone. Does nothing with kids either. And if i discuss anything I know full damn well he's relegated it to blah blah blah in his head. No matter what. Yet I know from him every colleague and all their troubles and quirks. I talk about his hobbies and interests. Because I care and I'm a nice human. And I expect the same consideration. Don't speak to him except at weekends???? And with a kid in the mix? Is he only supposed to parent at weekends too? Our standards for how men should behave in the family are set too low.

You sound like my friend has just described her life, almost identical in fact.

The annoyance her DH had with her was down to the fact that there was a colleague in the background who was far more exciting and her simple existence during the minimal contact time they had just made him mad and angry at her!

Maybe the solution is a kind of pied a terre in the city and then he comes back Friday night?

If the commuting is making him into a monster? Or is it the job? I imagine both, but the commuting did me in when I did it. I used to be up at 5, out of the house by 6.15 and home after 7 pm. When I lived alone, I would boil half a cauliflower or something, anything, just to eat some veggies, collapse and do it all again until Saturday, when I slept until I had the chance to meet with friends.

It seems a shame he didn't take the other job. And odd... I would have done if it were same money... and NO commuting, yay....

Try to talk to him this weekend. I think he should have a room close to where he works and try that out? Even for a month or so, see it improves things for him and turns him back into a human being and a kinder, more interactive... normal husband.

His job isn't compatible with family life, or maybe he isn't, or both.

This is no life. Something must change.

No wonder people are divorced if they cry "LTB" any time someone is a bit grumpy.

Not to put too fine a point on it but I would think carefully before suggesting to an already disengaged husband that he stay away from home a few nights a week. I can guess how that story ends.

Jesus, the Stepfording on here. This is MN Relationships, right?

It would give you a breathing space if he stayed over two nights a week. It might also give him pause for thought, he must know his behaviour is unreasonable, it might make him realise that you don't actually have to put up with it.

@lolaflores you are right.

Workaholics use it as a way to keep distance. I did get told that by a Relate counsellor.

You know, if you entering into conversation is irksome and you not bewildering him with conversation is you not trying, has he actually decided he is happier elsewhere and not going to be content at home, regardless of your behaviour?

I'm wondering now if he is really having to work that long or just finding an explanation for being out of the house.

And I could leave the house at 5am and be home before 9pm and do a full working week in central London and I live in the NE.

Have you actually spoken to him about this OP? To me it sounds like you're spending your time just quietly seething and expecting him to somehow pick up on this...unlikely given how exhausted he must be (-never mind that men don't do hints-).
I don't think the 30 mins-1 hr of chat of an an evening duribg the week that you mention in your op is anything less than average for a busy working couple tbh. To me you sound bored, like you're lacking any other adult company or interaction. What do you get up to while Dh is working?

What do I get up to?
Well there are the circus skills class that I take and my pet.hypnotherapy clinic that I run ...could you be anymore patronising?
I am a sahm. I have 1 DD. I am returning to part time work in a few weeks.
I have a small craft business which I will also maintain when I go back to work. I cook, clean and do all the admin associated with a average family. My DD comes home from school and we chat I help her with homework etc.
Chat with my friends my neighbkurs my family
My life and day is full and productive, except in the evening when my husband expresses not a jot of interest in hearing about any of it.

Must add I have expressed my concerns about the toll this job is taking. I urged him to take the other job.
I have tried to explain how the tone of his stress is impacting the house. He feels attacked and I cant get what I want to say heard over the drama.
Mind you, his father operated in the exact same way. So perhaps I am just watching history repeat itself.

Are you sure he needs to be there so late Could he be using that time to see another woman ?

Might explain the irritation and distancing himself

My partner used to work much longer hours than he does now, and it was hard. He was much the same, and never wanted to talk very much when he got home.

So, I simply got him a drink and something to eat, and then let him watch whatever he wanted on tele, and we cuddled. Then he'd get a shower and we'd spoon in bed.

You don't have to have deep discussions all the time. The poor man is knackered! Luckily my partner has a new job now as he hated the other one (which made it even worse) and things are much, much better now.

Make the most of your weekends, perhaps exchange a message or two during the day if possible, but for goodness sake don't push conversation after work when he's so tired.. it's not fair.. he has nothing left to give by that time!

Not sure. It has crossed my mind. And having been on MN many years, I know anything is possible. The irritability put me on my toes as I have read how often it is a symptom of something illicit going on.

I dont push a conversation each and every night though. I am aware how stressed he is. Last night I wanted a bit of a chat and got ripped to bits. Tonight I said hello, kept it all low key and he gets a strop on.

My DH is the same and has been for years. He left for work around 6am and he’s still not home, so I’ve not even seen him today. He had a very overwhelming caseload (lawyer).

It’s hard not to feel resentful, but I don’t complain about it. He doesn’t need me moaning at him after a long day.

*has

Why do you presume I was moaning?
I am not Margot Leadbetter to his Jerry.
I was having a conversation with another adult. Or so it appeared. Turns out he was too tired to feel that common manners were important.

@pjmask, the alternative to doing that was unemployment and, due to jacking the job in (and I desperately wanted to every single morning, afternoon, evening and night), not receiving benefits and becoming homeless. Whilst dealing with illness, disability, redundancy procedures, bereavement and knowing that everything - food, clothes, rent, council tax, prescription charges, repairs, everything - was my sole responsibility, on about 3 hours sleep a night.

I really don't think that finding ourselves out on the street would have improved our lives that much.

Anyway, I have a new job. Still have medical treatment to deal with, still have a dead brother - but DP now has a regular job, so the financial burden and worry isn't all on my shoulders and I'm not expected to snap into action/be sociable when I've dealt with several hundred people all day, but gradually relax into the new role without hassle. My commute is easy, too, if 4 times as long, so I get to switch off on the way home as well.

He still lets me be when I need it. Had he been demanding and talking about separation because I couldn't be doing with inane chatter or massively depressing shit like brexit, I'd have lost it.

I hear you OP. My DH works very long hours and is pretty much useless for anything after work. Fair enough if he had no option, but like your DH he has chosen to stay in this stupidly demanding job rather than moving to something else which would give him more time and energy for his family.

I think a lot of responses are assuming your OH has no choice but to stay in this job, so poor him, he must be exhausted, you should support him through it... NO, in your case and mine, they actually enjoy the bloody job and have chosen to stay in it when they don’t have to! Shows where their priorities lie.

No advice sorry. I have repeated conversations with DH explaining the effect of his job on our relationship and family life and nothing ever changes, because he is wedded to the job and making sure nothing dents his career path.

I work similar hours, only half of my work is nights and it involves trying to keep desperately ill and injured people alive. I still don’t get to be a jerk to my family. If I started to do that, my work would need to be renegotiated if I wanted to stay married.

Sorry op. Mumsnet was taken over by Netmums. That's why you're being told to run him a bath and kiss his feet hun.
Your thread is actually being discussed on another thread about how depressing this thread is.