Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

I have a husband like that! Very similar circumstances.

It is a case of giving, rather than receiving, I'm afraid. You have needs, and they are as important as his BUT you can't get blood from what is a stone at that point.

My DH is much, much better at stopping himself from being this way, or at making an effort at the weekend, date nights, etc because I make his evenings easy.

Also, as fascinating as Brexit is, he'd rather have sex...

You don't have to act like a Stepford Wife! I'll say again, imagine if it was the other way round...Everyone would be saying that he should run you a bath, give you space etc...And the twat saying about the vodka ffs. OP has already said he has 2 'carefully measured' vodkas. The hypocrisy on this site staggers me

He walks through the door. I am usually upstairs reading or writing. I call down hi.
he gets himself something to eat then comes up. gets himself tidied up. We have a bit of a chat. Whats the day been like etc.
Last night, I just wanted to epxress something. I wasn't a rant. It was an observation.
Its the rudeness really that got to me. It felt like the fucking limit.
And as for intimacy in our marriage? doublesheesh does this sound like a man eager to trot the light fantastic of an evening?
He wouldn't go for a hot stone massage if you tied sausages on it and told him unbridled bliss was awaiting him.
And yes...I do get the feeling he just wants his vodka.
Friday night, he generally gets fairly pissed. I don't drink so I leave him to it.

I am sure these are the conditions in the majority of households. Before, he worked a lot from home and it was fine. No irritation, no snarkiness, breezed along. We have lived abroad for his work too. I am going back to work soon so I imagine we will need photo ID for purposes of recognition.

He leaves at 5.30am and gets back past 8 o'clock?? I would just assume that he wouldn't want to talk. About anything.

Shame he rejects the food but I would leave him to his drink and his sleep. I can see how he would have nothing to give you at these times. Yes you may be just people who live in the same house, at least during the week but I don't see how it could be otherwise.

Try and have quality time at the weekends.

And help to ensure his job situation is changed at some point before he completely burns out.

There's the key...you don't work. A patronising sermon, or prepared speech on Brexit is fine if you haven't been working all day! Let's see how you feel when you go back to work!

Emmijay he is so cold and vacant, the thoughts of a cuddle on the couch are unimaginable. There is no invitation apparent or given.
He is a man not very in touch with himself and I have done a lot of guess work down the years and have it to a fine art.
What he doesn't see is that the stress etc. is creating a barren environment for all of us. It is stripping out the heart of us.
His stress shuts down communication and I don't think a fucking massage is going to clear all that up at this point...fucking Brexit or not.

Amazed by these replies.

How long has this been the situation OP? Is he really not bothered about looking for another job?

MissLadyM with all due respect dear heart...you know nothing of my life, my situation now or prior to my marriage.
I run our home and care for our child and I shall do all of that plus my new job and I am no doubt sure I will still look for a conversation with my husband.

Buttermuffin he has had an offer of a job closer to home with a far more managable commute, but he didn't fancy it. So he has chosen to remain in a job with a fucking evil commute attached. He made a delibeerate choice. Go figure

This has been going on for over a year now.

Your reply reads very defensive, no one is criticising just offering options for you to try something else to solve your issue.

What is your schedule like are you also super busy. I am your husband in our relationship. While we both have very stressful businesses my husband's is close to home and able to deligate the lot. I travel and can't. I come home and he looks after me and allows me space to unwind. He knows not to touch on certain topics that trouble my mind, aggitate me etc. Weekends are the opposite.

Have you asked him when he isn't just in from work about it?

Based on his day I would have nothing to give either. I'm out the house at 7.00am for an hour's commute, teach teenagers all day, catch up with admin, generally get home at 6.00pm.

And by then I just want to be left alone. Massively alone. DH generally has tea ready, we eat and make inconsequential small talk and then I shut myself away in my study for about 2 hours. Alone. Where I might Mumsnet, read, drink, possibly do some marking - but in utter silence and with no one in my space.

I can't cope with anyone else speaking to me/any more noise. All day I've had to deal with noise and people and I'm done.

I manage to emerge before 9.00pm generally to be reasonably civil to my family.

Matchitechmummy please read my post describing his evening routine. I am not sitting behind the door demanding a discussion on Proust.
When DD was born, he travelled a lot. Away 4 days out of the week for months. Then we were abroad for a few years.
I have thus far suspended my career so his was not impeded.
As I said, I am going back to work in a couple of weeks and just wonder how interested he is going to be in my day? Two of us exhausted?

The lack of warmth and just wanting alcohol sounds really bad... he sounds alcohol dependent tbh.

Dear God, cut him some slack. He is knackered.

OP, I’ve already posted but I just want to say, again, I totally get it. It’s so shit and it burn me up that my DH is okay being a total twat to me. He just doesn’t care and justifies it to himself somehow, some way. I try and try to be affectionate and loving but it’s fairly pointless, and it bloody hurts!

What would you like us all to say lolaflores? Really and truly. Because you've had a number of productive suggestions but it seems like you just want us to tell you to LT complete B.

Don't let your marriage curdle into hate because your needs as a SAHM for adult conversation are clashing with his to be left alone. His schedule is beyond brutal. I imagine it takes every gram of his energy to get through his working week. The two of you can address this if you can find mutual empathy and problem-solve together.

It's sad but this is what a lot of jobs (and commutes) do to people nowadays.

My dh was similar and I was resenting him more and it was ending up in arguments so in the end I just asked him what he wanted and now if it's been a bad day he says he just needs a quiet evening so I'll back off and let him crack on with a late dinner/sky sports/work e-mailing.
I've also found that since we had a frank discussion about it all and that I 'backed off' so to speak he is actually a lot kinder and happy to chat.

I count myself lucky as I've always had a part time non stressful job until last year where I worked full time in a horrendously stressful post which gave me an insight into dh's world of non stop pressure and I really began to understand his need for down time and to decompress.

Screaminglady affair WAS NOT your fault OP it's crap. You're going through your day, he's going through his, you got married to share it all, .

He needs to change jobs. It could be the main reason for frustration.

However I do have to agree with people saying brexit is a pretty heavy conversation after an extremely long day.

Put something on the tv, cuddle up and watch Netflix while he has a vodka. Being together doesn’t always have to equal conversation.

So you don’t work currently?

You sound bored, which is understandable. He sounds exhausted, which is also understandable.

Once you’re back at work you might not be so reliant on him to entertain you of an evening as you’ll likely be tired and want to silently flake out with him.

I have very long days at work and most evenings all DH gets out of me is a few nods. If he tried to talk to me about Brexit I’d go to bed.

It's posts like this where I appreciate DP more.

When I come in (and he's not working), he comes down, gives me a hug, makes me a cuppa, listens to me vent about the day and then leaves me the fuck alone until it's time for food.

And if I come in and immediately want to go upstairs and shut myself in a darkened room for a hour, he silently puts a cuppa beside the bed and walks away until either I go in search of him or it's 9pm, when he checks whether I'm awake.

Prior to meeting Dh, I was a single mother working full time with an ex who had demateralized. I am no stranger to being at full throttle but I didn't get a cop out of my daughters life because I was working?
perhaps thats my resentment there.
Yes, there have been useful suggestions, unfortunately, not much use with the particular personality type of my husband. And, don't think I haven't tried variations. I have CmdrCressidaDuck. I really, really have which only adds to the frustration because I do all in my capacity to ensure he isn't extra stressed at home. I just wanted a conversation, and it was dismissed. Not any explanation, just a fucking sarcastic put down.

Sounds par the course

I think he just needs his own space. As we both work though I understand where my DH is coming from when he wants to just go on the computer or watch something different to me on TV. I'm not very good in the evening either, much more of a morning/daytime person. Try and have a couple of nights a week where you all eat together and reconnect, or have a night out together or with friends once in a while or a weekend away.