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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

282 replies

lolaflores · 18/09/2019 15:33

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

OP posts:
managedmis · 18/09/2019 17:43

As I said, I am going back to work in a couple of weeks and just wonder how interested he is going to be in my day? Two of us exhausted?

^

I bet once you're back at work you'll be fine with his silence

Me and DH barely speak once the kids are settled - I MN on the sofa and watch he same films over and over, he mooches in his office

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 17:44

To reiterate.
I am not waiting at the door demanding he entertain me, take me out ball room dancing or anything else.
He wanders in. He takes his time and gets his head together. I wait for him to come to me.
And as someone said, I thought marriage was sharing life together. It doesn't feel much like it at the moment. He is living a life and he drops into ours now and again.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 18/09/2019 17:45

I agree he needs to change jobs. This isn’t sustainable if he expects to reach the end of his career with his marriages intact.

If he has the option to change to a less consuming job/commute and hasn’t then there is far more going on here. Has he already checked out of your home life/marriage? I’m guessing he does no parenting of your child.

MardyLardy · 18/09/2019 17:46

I am surprised at the replies here. You clearly need to be some sexually tempting fairly mute empath. Good luck with that.

You sound lonely and in a partnership with someone who isn’t having a relationship with you. My dh did those hours whilst I was a SAHM and he still came home happy to see me and we would still talk and laugh. I went back and did three hours commute a day and had a huge work load and could still talk and be personable - this is a relationship problem. Whether it can be solved through lifestyle changes only you know.

RandomMess · 18/09/2019 17:46

Do you think he has checked out of the relationship, is he much different at the weekends?

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 17:51

He says hi to DD. They have a 10 min chat about the day.
I don't know if that is parenting or not. I don't feel able to express any worries about her because I see how stressed he is.
He is his work. It is everything to him in so many ways and I know that I am not the top of his life list. His career, DD, HIs dad then me. In that order. And I am still here, so I tacitly accept that order but I think he has got complacent, that I won't ever become more than I am at the moment.

I have had MH problems and physical problems but have managed to get a job after a long time out of work.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 18/09/2019 17:51

If this has been going on for some time, and it isn't just work stress... a breakdown imminent....then the answer is relationship counselling.

If he won't agree to it, then what is the point of staying with someone who has been so cold to you for so long.

I know when I had massive problems in my business, I just wanted to be left alone. My ex partner was a wonderful cook and very considerate in taking care of me in that way. He would usually have nice food cooking and waiting for me and would listen and advise if I DID want to talk. Sometimes a shoulder massage. And he never felt emasculated by those things. It's not about the 1950s, it's about being there for each other. (Shame of course that said ex was not a good person in other respects, but that is another irrelevant story).

If you have been adapting your behaviour to his coldness for a long time, and being kind and supportive is not working, then really you have a handful of options.

Put up with it.
Discuss it and arrange counselling if you still love each other.
Make moves to end your marriage.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

83PL · 18/09/2019 17:52

@BloodyhellMartha I appreciate that you work very hard but that routine can't be much fun for your family.

I can't help that feel that OP's feelings have been dismissed in favour of her partners'. She's at home all day looking after their children, without much adult conversation, is it really that much to ask for a little if his time to communicate without feeling like she's irritating? God forbid she wants some affection, nice words....maybe even some sex. Her needs are not being met. I have known counsellors justify men having affairs for similar behaviour.

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 17:52

MardyLady I am working on a vow of silence and breast augmentation. I wonder if it will do the trick

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/09/2019 17:54

I wouldn't be prepared to be 4th!!!!

I don't mind the DC coming before me a lot of the time.

I would say me and the DC are all joint 1st...

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 17:54

My reserves of kindness and supportiveness are running at low levels. The incident yesterday and my reaction to it are indicators that I can't give much more in terms of constantly checking the temperature of his stress before trying to find a space for myself amongst it all.

OP posts:
RaceSherpa · 18/09/2019 17:54

"Sarcelle Wed 18-Sep-19 17:31:46
Dear God, cut him some slack. He is knackered."

Yes, but there's a difference between someone who is knackered but you can tell is still pleased to see you, gives you a wee hug and a look and a smile before disappearing off even not shooting for the moon here, and what OP's husband is currently doing - treating her like her very presence is an irritation. It's a horrible feeling. I don't know what to suggest OP other than to hope it improves if he can possibly change jobs (but of course that's often not possible). If he's better at weekends then that seems hopeful to me? It's still shit though.

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 17:58

RandomMess thats the reality of it though and its sort of become clearer down the years.
And to add to all of this, an elderly relative in his family is poorly and not long for this world. IT will fall to DH to organise the funeral etc. His own dad demands a lot of his attention and time day to day as well as he is getting on now and relies heavily on DH.

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 18/09/2019 17:59

Any reason why you can't move closer to his work if he loves his job but the M25 commute's a huge problem?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 18/09/2019 18:00

I’d be tempted to give him back exactly what he gives you. It will tell you whether he actually wants to engage with you or not. He’ll either get annoyed and ask what the hell is going on or he’ll happily carry on as is.

Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 18:00

RaceSherpa i feel he looks at me and just puts me on the list with all the other stress in his life or irritants.
Its the look on his face

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 18:02

DD's school is where she wants to be. Once she finishes and goes on to UNi or whatever, then we'll relocate. But it raises the question about my job? Do I give up a job to relocate to accomodate his commute?

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 18:03

Joxer done that. And you're right, he gets annoyed. Thinks I am sulking when in fact I am trying to give him space.
Cant' do right for doing wrong

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/09/2019 18:05

I think I would detach and start prepping for a future without him. Go out and do stuff for you in the evenings.

Thanks
Original poster
lolaflores · 18/09/2019 18:07

RandomMess I think thats why i feel so upset about it because I cant see a way past this that he will agree to.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/09/2019 18:10
Sad
Craftycorvid · 18/09/2019 18:10

Crikey, but I’m feeling a bit startled by the tone of some of the responses on here! We ought to have moved beyond the 1950s? Confused. OP, you sound angry and lonely, also struggling to make any kind of meaningful contact with your DH. How long has this been an issue? Can you recall a time when things were better and what it was that helped? Your DH is making a choice to stay in his current job, which could be financially motivated, or it could be a good way to keep an emotional distance. Alcohol is another. Is there a better time to talk to him? A weekend walk and an open discussion about how you feel, acknowledging that he’s clearly not happy either. Not ever being home for dinner sounds significant, you are not sharing things that bring people together. I don’t think your bobbing up at the door with his pipe and slippers and a non-challenging demeanour is much of a solution - also, it seems he’d reject attempts to make contact in that way.

Whatsforu · 18/09/2019 18:13

His work day sounds horrendous!!! I struggle to converse in the evening after work and need time to myself and my day is not near as bad as your dh. Could you talk about changing jobs,( at the weekend!!!)

Redwinestillfine · 18/09/2019 18:13

Honestly just give him space to decompress on weekdays and carve out time on weekends. Yes it's not great but he needs this. My DH needs downtime on an evening and his commute is an hour! I leave him alone when he comes in and sort tea and we chat or watch telly when he's had alone time.

elizabethreallyisnotmissing · 18/09/2019 18:15

WTF have I just read, I cannot believe the majority of replys on this thread. Is it 1950?

He chooses to commute that distance to work and then comes in & is rude & dismissive- no need for it!

I'd be giving him a shape up and be a bit more pleasant or ship out chat!

Lots of us work long hours, have stressful commutes but it doesn't mean we have free licence to treat our partners like shit!