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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

282 replies

lolaflores · 18/09/2019 15:33

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

OP posts:
FloatingObject · 21/09/2019 11:53

Tell him it's not that you're worried, it's just that you're unhappy and feel disconnected from him.

milliefiori · 21/09/2019 11:56

What he doesn't see is that the stress etc. is creating a barren environment for all of us. It is stripping out the heart of us.

This is really eloquent. Tell him this. But also listen to any issues he has which are leaving him this depleted.

madcatladyforever · 21/09/2019 11:56

You've got to leave him alone. He is clearly exhausted.

I've up until recently been doing a four hour a day commute and thank God I live alone because I am not even in the mood to talk to the cat when I get back.

I'm downsizing and moving to the west country to do a job with a 15 minute commute because I feel like I'm losing my mind and just don't need it any more.

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 12:01

Whose stress is he downplaying his or yours?

I suspect his - which means that the status quo in his favour is maintained.

I suspect your stress didn’t get a look in.

Time for action now and not words. You are not being heard here. Know that he doesn’t have your needs as a priority so detach and seek that support elsewhere (friends, family and/or professionally) you will need it for this next exciting chapter in your life.

Meeeh · 21/09/2019 17:03

My ex was like this. Always working and fucked when he got home. He got detached from the family as he wasn’t part of the daily routine because I did everything and as a result he didn’t feel important like he did at work and just worked more until a young thing came along at work and told him how clever he was and now he lives with her and probably also comes home looking bored and tired.

The End.

On a serious note, if you want to keep this joy sucker of a man, do something now to make him feel responsible for his family and needed. Good luck.

Original poster
lolaflores · 21/09/2019 17:21

He is downplaying his stress which then makes it seem like mine is a total over reaction in comparison.
I think knwhen I'm at work I shall have .ote leverage. Perhaps I can demand more?
Meeeh* shall I build him a wee throne? That's a joke by the way. Sorry to hear what happened to you. How are things for you now on your own?

OP posts:
Meeeh · 21/09/2019 19:37

@lolaflores all good. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there is such a thing as a narcissist with low self esteem. I’ve blossomed since we split up - one less child to have to look after. He has remarried but stalks my house so I’m guessing he’s not a-ok.

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2019 09:50

Lola - would he cisider staying near work for a couple of days a week? Would that mean he could come home earlier on the other days?
Or do you think it would make him disengage even more?

Original poster
lolaflores · 22/09/2019 11:05

nannyogg he doesn't want to do that. Promises have been made as to future
We will most likely relocate when dd leaves for uni or whatever. Right now I am going to stay on top of my own needs and look forward to work. It may give me leverage. It may change the landscape entirely.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/09/2019 11:54

I hope it does.

You are definitely going to have to look to yourself because that is exactly what he is doing. Difference is, he doesn't care.

Strictlydogs · 22/09/2019 12:09

Either he is stressed out and that is why he behaves as he does to you, in which case he needs to find a way to negate that stress.

Or he isn't in fact that stressed, as he is trying to say now, in which case why is he so fucking rude to you?

He can't have it both ways.

Inishoo · 22/09/2019 12:59

How does all of this impact on your DD?

How long is it until she goes to uni?

How much more eroded do you think all 3 of you will be by then? What are the possible consequences of this grinding, unsatisfactory family life?

Original poster
lolaflores · 22/09/2019 14:04

Uni is a few years off. She and he have a close relationship but as to quality time...
I fear all those things Inishoo. I genuinely do. We have discussed how long he can or will do this for and I get tue general view of maybe 6 more months.... but no guarantee.

OP posts:
ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 22/09/2019 14:27

Meet him at the door with a drink, be kind, give him supper and be a safe haven

You need to hurry up if you're going to make the last bus to 1947.

Rachelle11 · 22/09/2019 14:58

Does your DD have contact with her biological father? Is he involved at all?

Could your dh be resentful that he is supporting you and your dd and you have opted to stay home?

My dh works the same hours and I just count him as a write off during the week. Our ds has complex special needs and is home with me part-time and we have weekly hospital appointments. Honestly, I don't feel like talking at the the end of the day either. I have often said our marriage does well because we both carry a lot of stress and want space at night.

Do you have other friends you talk to everyday? Do you get out and socialize much? Do you see a doctor for your bipolar and mobility issues?

Inishoo · 22/09/2019 16:16

When do you start your new career? I would make sure that you have lots of logistical and emotional support teed-up away from DH so that you get make the very best start at this vulnerable time,

Original poster
lolaflores · 22/09/2019 16:40

Rachel11 DD is his daughter. My eldest who is 26 is from a previous relationship. 14 years between them.
Logistically there is no wrinkles as the job is part time and hours could not be more perfect and means I will be here for DD home from school.
I have a psychiatrist (though the CMHT care is barely ther but mo it me) and physically, I do my best 5p stay moving.
I am busy in my own life. I see people. I have a small craft thing going. I'm not isolated by any means.
I think the bus to 1947 is in a diversion via 1066

OP posts:
Charley50 · 22/09/2019 17:39

Have you suggested him being more efficient with his time, so he can get home earlier (you said he could finish at 4)?
Maybe some light humiliation would work; e.g. 'if you're that great at your fucking job why are you staying there two hours late every night?'
Workaholic or not, his long long hours are not working for the family as a whole, just for him.

Rachelle11 · 22/09/2019 17:55

@Charley50 You think she should use "light humiliation". Who would do that in a marriage?

Charley50 · 22/09/2019 18:13

@Rachelle11 - it was a joke!

Inishoo · 22/09/2019 18:16

The root cause of his behaviour (childhood / ongoing relationship with his own toxic DF) needs addressing through counselling. Otherwise no matter what “tactics” are employed (moving jobs, staying overnight etc) his dysfunction will just come through again even if he retired as his compulsive workaholic behaviour is to blot of the emotional pain he is carrying. It will just transfer onto some other blotting out activity.

user1479305498 · 22/09/2019 19:02

OP, you are clearly a witty intelligent women and I do think here there’s probably been far too much time on your own and putting too much focus on him and his moods and needs. I think being back at work and focussing on creating more of a life on your own will help and let him take a back seat in your mind , anyway if it all goes tits up at least then you will ‘have a life’ that isn’t 190% all about him. I’ve been there.

Original poster
lolaflores · 22/09/2019 19:09

Inishoo I agree wholeheartedly. The symptoms are the work behaviour the reasons are extensive. We had family therapy for a while but the person (would not sully the profession of counsellors by giving her that title) was ineffectual. We also had couples therapy as part of my care. I honestly think it would take psychotropic drugs, total isolation and a gun to his head to access anything that would be useful theraputically.
He outmanpuvered the first person for week after week. He is very adept at avoidance and deflecting by way of implacable logic. She didnt see past it and because I was the certified loon, the emphasis was on me and how I coped. And how it impacted on eldest dd.
2nd time was brief. 3 sessions. We each had 1 session alone then 1 together.
The psychotherapist couldn't crack him either. Not enough time.
I am sat there with 7 inch scar up my arm so....the optics arent great in terms of who needs the most help.
Since then hes been with me to sit in on various psych appointments.
I was sectioned in USA.
Had ECT treatment too...not much fun.
I wonder if all of my stuff is just too much for 1 person to handle.

OP posts:
Inishoo · 22/09/2019 19:15

I wonder if all of my stuff is just too much for 1 person to handle.

I wonder if all of HIS stuff is just too much for 1 person to handle.

How much of your poor MH is exacerbated by minimal support from him to you and your shouldering him and the home 100%.

BrioLover · 22/09/2019 20:18

Oh OP. It sounds awfully lonely.

I know you've tried to broach it with him before, including this weekend, but I can't help wondering how he can avoid the question "why are you so fucking rude to me? It's destroying my love and respect for you because you look at me like shit on your shoe."?

When I first started reading the thread my reaction was to think that he must be utterly exhausted and that he just wants to be left alone. But the more you've explained, especially around him not taking the other job and the issue he takes when you're not sparkling, it's clear it's not just a case of exhaustion. Why is he choosing his career over your marriage? Why is he choosing to do days that long when he surely must know by now that it is not sustainable?

The phrase 'death by a thousand cuts' comes to mind.