Dh just looks bored and irritated most evenings

[lolaflores]

Dh has a long commute round the M25...the seventh circle of hell.
But, he likes his job and isn't prepared to change right at the moment but its not out of the question currently. 9 times out of 10 he gets home past 8. He leaves around 5.30am. thats a long day. His job is stressful and technical and pressurized. The commute home is never straightforwards.
Most evenings we have about 40 mins to an hour having a bit of a chat and a catch up...after about 30 mins of a chat he just zones out. Looks bored then down right irritated.
He is looking at me but is frankly blank and I get peevish back.
Last night I was talking about what was going on in the appeals about Brexit...not an opinion...just how difficult the language was to follow and what was going on, how much work had gone into preparing both sides.
I paraphrased a bit of it, just to illustrate what I meant and he made this really sarcastic, can't be fucked, remark back. Dismissed me completely. I didn't want an indepth discussion about anyting, it was an observation. At which point I said I needed to have a shower and left him to decompress. I didn't think the conversation was heavy going, and i wasn't moaning or complaining...I was just remarking.
He could see i was annoyed, said he'd thought it was only a funny remark, why was i getting the arse.
Most evenings end like this nowadays.
He wears an expression of barely concealed disinterest and he is itching to get into the front room, shut the door and have a drink. Not loads. not pissed, just his two carefully measured vodkas.
Weekends he is a bit better but during the week we just about civil to one another.
he isn't home for dinner during the week ever.
he sees DD for 15 minutes...if that.
He wants to be the victim though and I get to play the tyrant.
All I want is someone who can tolerate me and he isn't it right now.
Its like living with a piece of wood at the moment

And you're right, he gets annoyed. Thinks I am sulking when in fact I am trying to give him space.

So when he gets annoyed you ask him why he thinks it’s ok for you to put with that from him and what he’s going to do to change the dynamic between you.

I dont like the power imbalance either that his work creates. He is the big bread winner. I should shut up. I should be more understanding.
Since when did all that mean that what I need as a human being, is a box to tick at the weekend? I cant expect any meaningful contact because his choices are taking a toll on him?

I think the references to 1950s are red herrings the suggestions by many are about showing support and kindness for the person you love not being submissive.

OP the more gaps you fill I have to admit the more grim the week sounds for you both.

So from the other direction what is good in your relationship?

This obviously isn't sustainable in the long term, if you carry on like this it will end in divorce, or worse, the kind of long term, biting bitterness which makes everyone miserable..

So what are the alternatives? There are only two that I can see- either you move house or he changes jobs. Whichever, I think you also need counselling as well. He doesn't want to change jobs, obviously, so would a move be possible? Do you think that he doesn't engage with you because he works so far away, or are you beginning to feel like he works so far away in order to not have to engage with you?

I hope you can carve out a time to talk to him properly , probably at the weekend since weekdays are clearly out. You sound so unhappy and I hope that you find a way out of that.

"@ScreamingLadySutch and you're blaming yourself for his affair?! "

Absolutely not. What I am trying to say, is that the overwork led to depression. Men externalise depression and are known to do destructive things to try to relieve it.

So I am not responsible for that. But I am responsible for resenting the lack of attention, focusing on it and making home a less welcoming place than it could have been.

I was trying to explain his exhaustion and that it is not personal. He is shattered.

Tje good bits?
We work so well together when there is anything to be done. I enjoy us being out as a family walking and just being together. Finding new places to explore
Nothing huge. I enjoy him being with us as corny as it sounds. We genuinely make each other laugh.
All I have at the moment is a husk.
He picked up a dead bird that was caught in some garden netting for me last week because I felt like a murderer.

He is kind and good but just checked out for too long too often

screamingladysuchy I see what you mean but your DH like mine is a workaholic. They are responsible for burning themselves out. It explains things but doesn't excuse

His career, DD, HIs dad then me. In that order.

I was thinking the whole Brexit thing was maybe a bit full on after a long day then I read this. Fuck being made to feel like that in your marriage. Fuck your daughter being made to feel like that by her dad, too. I'd be instigating crisis talks.

DH often works v long hours, does almost nothing round the house and likes to watch tv shows I don't in the evening.
But he manages not to be a total arse to me despite me wanting a conversation with him of an evening.
We chat through the day's news and dc happenings and his work.
I don't want a partnership with a DH who only communicates with me 2 days out of 7.
When he is away with work dc and I just crack on but when he is at home he is part of the family.

My DH has a daily routine a bit like your DH. He is exhausted when he gets in and often just wants to watch an hour or so of something undemanding or have a bath and read. We don't have any in depth conversation during the week, just light chit chat. I go out to things two evenings a week where i can be more sociable. On a Friday we chat over a nice meal and some wine and catch up on the week that has passed. He is more chatty during the weekend when less tired. I save topics like Brexit for then. It works for us.

My day is MUCH easier than your husband's but I still don't want to talk to my husband in the evening. I know it sounds awful and horrible but I'm utterly exhausted and just need to be quiet. I still love my husband. I agree with others. Just give him peace, make him nice food and don't take it personally.

Honestly, I don't think it's good enough. Is he sulking because you're going back to work?
I also don't agree with the 'he has nothing left to give' comments. It's nonsense that everyone else gets the best of your DP and you get the dregs that are left.
I had similar with DH and told him if it didn't change, I was leaving. I didn't want a particularly surly flatmate that cast a shadow over the evening and couldn't engage in a conversation. He went to counselling. He started making an effort to change his priorities. He moved work so he was closer to home.
You need to communicate that this isn't working for you and what you need from him. Don't have this conversation at the end of a long day. Go out for lunch. Somewhere where he will stay and listen. You don't want a discussion or an argument. You want him to hear you. Then he can think about his response. Get back to you. And you can both make a decision about what happens next.

Urgh he sounds like me 😕

Last night I was pretty monosyllabic with DP...it took me so long to get home and I'd been surrounded by other people all day all banging on about stuff. Then when I got in I just wanted to eat and chill but there was washing up to do first and housemate wanted to chat and bake and it felt so crowded and I just wanted to be alone in peace and quiet!! Long working hours and long commutes makes beasts of us.

As it stands, I dont know how much more he can do of this.

He wants a part time marriage doesn't he? One where he is only expected to make any kind of effort a a weekend. I mean ffs most of us work long hard hours, I used to be a nurse working 10 hour shifts having the very life sucked out of me - but I still came home and cared for my kids and dh. I didn't sit around snapping at people with a face like a slapped arse!
You need a proper conversation with him about whats going on. he needs to know how he is making you feel. And you both need to try and find a solution together. Maybe suggest counselling? His reaction might tell you everything.

A part time marriage is what it feels like. He is dictating the shift pattern as well

I think you and your Dh need to have a conversation when he is not exhausted - the weekend or bank holiday. You need to identify the direction of his work and of your marriage. You need to tell him that the cirrent situation is not working for you if it is to go on long term. It may be that at this stage of his career, he needs to work this way and the remuneration will benefit the family as a whole in the long term but if there is no concious planning forwards, this situation will just continue and you will have no relationship ever again. You have already said that he has no emotional or physical energy for intimacy. How long has this been? Again, long term this can spell disaster for a relationship. He needs to understand that of his current work patterns are destroying any chance of intimacy and emotional connection then there is a massive sacrifice being made for his work. Your needs as a partner are valid also and not just on weekends. You have needs to have a partner who is emotionally present. Right now, for whatever reasons, he is not. Again, short term, this may well be the only possibility - like when a woman gives birth, there is a period where the relationship has to take second place to baby and reocvery needs. But if the relationship ALWAYS plays 2nd fiddle to exhaustion and irritation then you are doomed. Communication is needed. Good luck.

I feel sorry for both of you. Neither of you seem to be getting what you want. The thing is you both need to want things to improve. Me and DH were in your shoes except he worked away. So Thursday nights I was desperate to talk etc but he was monosyllabic.

I took it to heart, badgered him more, he thought I was oblivious to his exhaustion etc etc.

In the end we started by simply changing our routine. So he would come in , sit down ..no tv and we’d just have ten minutes boring catch up about the journey etc. Then he’d have a shower, change , have an hours decompression time but come back for dinner which was then when we’d talk properly.

We still do it now though our lives are very different. But that’s because we both wanted to and I’m not sure you are both at that point.

It sounds like there are enough positives to carry on, so don't give up yet. You are about to go through a domestic change that might alter the dynamic of you all again.

Wait and see for that and maybe find a non stressful time when you are both relaxed to talk this through a bit. How old is your daughter, is she old enough to be left for a few hours or do you have anyone who can look after her for a bit to just be able to focus on what to do together?

That's the real core question. He says the right things and so in but as to making the change.
I have always been the most flexible. Adjusted to the demands his works place in the family but he hasn't needed to make any mental adjustments to accommodate anything.

Everything has pivoted around his work. To the point that he probably cant see it being any other way. If he is genuinely able to shift his point of view is another thing. Saying he can understand is one thing but actual change is something far harder.

Every working day he leaves at 5.30 and returns after 8. That leaves less than 9 1/2 hours for everything else, including sleep. He's exhausted, I'd be in a mental hospital.

I not sure unless you're worked 15 hour days you can fully appreciate how exhausting it is.

I'm married to my second work alcoholic.

He started at left at 5.30 - short commute and got home for 5.

He's snoring his head on the sofa (ha).

I used to feel like you op with my ex and wanted conversation with him when he came home.

After 12 hours all he wanted was a bath , his tea and his bed.

Like @ScreamingLadySutch had similarly said my ex burnt out and found someone else.

This time round I'm looking after my poor exhausted dh.
I certainly couldn't do what he does.

I do work though and love chatting to all the people I meet
So you'll be better once you get back to adult conversation.

I'm up at 4.30am and often don't get in until 8pm 6 days a week. It's knackering but it pays a half decent income. When I get in at night, all I want is vegetate on the sofa with my phone in my hand. Cuddling up to a man in companionable silence would be my idea of heaven. If anyone wants to talk to me, I often beg them to just give me some peace because after a long day the last thing I want is to listen to someone waffling about a load of uninteresting crap
Until you have worked seriously long days, it's very easy to underestimate just how knackering it gets.

I don't agree with many of the replies on this thread actually. I appreciate he has a long commute, but it is one of his choosing. He could have taken a closer job and chose not to. It sounds very much like he has checked out. No quality time on a friday night as he gets drunk, then I expect that writes off a lot of Saturday too. I would be feeling very lonely and low priority here.

Being tired and needing some space is fine, I totally get that. But I would have no desire to cuddle up with someone who OP says is often detached, cold or bored. Then when she gives him space he says she is sulking.

It also sounds like OP has been a trailing spouse for a while, which means your own career goes on the backburner. Reading the living overseas board explains a lot of that and how it can damage marriages.

I would start by sitting down at the weekend and saying how you feel and that something has to give somewhere. He can change jobs. Or you can agree he gets some time to decompress and then maybe you watch something together. But I just wanted you to know OP that I couldn't live like this. I can't be ignored Monday to Friday and then suddenly switch over to quality time for two days a week. I would end up resentful. If he isn't happy then he can use his words surely.

FWIW I have worked long hours like this while also battling a chronic illness so I get the tiredness. But there is a difference between saying to someone, can we just sit as I am totally exhausted or sneering and snapping at them