Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell the husband about his wife?

186 replies

Bailey500 · 17/09/2019 14:03

Two weeks ago I found out my partner was cheating... its hit me very hard because we went through so much to be together and built the most incredible house/life together... Then a 25 year old instagram model came along... (im 34) We dont have children but were going to start trying in january, we are trying to patch things up slowly and my feelings are changing daily so not really sure what will happen. But have a burning desire to tell her husband, I have suffered so much and just think its unfair that he doesn't know and that she just gets away with being so reckless! Should I tell him?!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2019 08:03

Honestly what is the point in putting trust into anyone?!
Well I won't - ever again.
But... you are young.
Just give yourself some time.
I'm sure there must be some good ones out there.
I'm glad she has helped you to see him for what he is.
But you need to think things through and decide what is best for YOU!
That means he needs to be out of your space.
Can he move in with relatives or friends for a couple of weeks?
You do need some headspace.
Good luck OP.
This is a horrible mess but you sound stronger already.

Original poster
Bailey500 · 18/09/2019 09:00

Im pretty stuck with what to do, he offered to go to his parents but I think I will spiral into depression if im in this big house by myself.
What I also didn’t mention was this all happened via his job, he’s a gas man..... his multiple visits ended up costing the girls landlord a fortune and he’s now being investigated!
He’s a pretty broken man now all brought on by his own disgusting behaviour. I didn’t even need to make him feel like poo, he even asked how come I seemed so fine with everything.... I said because my head is finally clear and im proud Of my intuition.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2019 09:05

Can you go somewhere else then?
You need some love and support right now.
Do you have a non-judgey friend you could stay with for a few days or a family member?
You need to confide in someone. Trust me, it's so freeing when you finally tell someone and can discuss things with them.

Do you have a history of depression?
If you need to visit your GP then please do it.
But I will say it again - GET SOME REAL LIFE SUPPORT!
I would not have got through my marriage breakdown without mine.

Nquartz · 18/09/2019 09:57

He's only a broke man because he's been caught, if you hadn't found out he'd have carried on stringing you both along possibly getting you both pregnant at the same time Shock

You cannot forget what he's done, if you stay with him you are basically giving him the green light to do it again. Every time he'd be at work you'd be wondering who's house he's at, what he's up to, it would drive you insane.

Funghi · 18/09/2019 10:08

A gas man? I was expecting some sort of 50 shades style Mr Grey. How has he bagged himself you and an Instagram model?

Can a family member take the pup so you can at least still see him/her?

Original poster
Bailey500 · 18/09/2019 10:30

He’s good looking and a good talker listener....

Mentally I am in a good place and just taking my time. I feel if I do things slowly and well thought out I will be laying better foundations for my future. I have a real lack of emotion towards him so im not Suffering like I thought I would

OP posts:
Tweetingmagpie · 18/09/2019 10:32

I would tell him but I’d also dump the cheater! He will do it again.

Slappadabass · 18/09/2019 10:47

I don't get all this bullshit about keep your dignity and don't tell him, why should you keep her dirty little secret.
Id want to know if it was me, rather than waste another minute of my life with someone that's messing around behind my back, he deserves to know.
Do it nicely and not in spite, he will feel the same as you so remember he's the innocent party too.
And ditch the DH, he will do it again!

S021 · 18/09/2019 10:58

She’s separated

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 18/09/2019 11:10

Bailey it is normal to feel sad when a relationship ends and fearing the unknown is part of the process.

Like others have commented -having him remain with all the doubts that will rise every time he leaves the house is not the foundation for good mental health.

At the moment you are relying on his current vulnerability as a basis on which to potentially rebuild your marriage- again another rocky foundation.

If you truly want to have a relationship that is respectful then you have to, at very least, separate and demonstrate that you aren't going to tolerate a repeat of this -that you are perfectly prepared and non-plussed about living alone.

At the moment he is continuing to exploit you via emotional manipulation. You need space.

Good looking, smooth talkers are not in short supply and looks have a shelf life. A good character is a better focus.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2019 11:13

At least read the OP's posts - you can go to settings and highlight them.
This has moved on now waaaayyyyy past 'TELLING HIM'!!!

Original poster
Bailey500 · 18/09/2019 11:21

I am not ready to move out or him move out, I feel the sudden change will make me do something I regret... like ask him back because im lonely and miss him...
I feel fully in control right now and emotionally stable and don’t want to change that.

OP posts:
Kaddm · 18/09/2019 11:27

Don’t have kids with this man whatever you do. Once you have kids you will be in a much worse position. I know the house and dog complicate things, but not even a fraction of how much children do. Seriously get rid and don’t let him ruin your life.

GilbertMarkham · 18/09/2019 11:29

Turn your anger onto him.

He's the one who owed you loyalty. She did not.

I wouldn't be having kids with this man, no way. If you knowingly have kids with a cheater, you could well be back on here (like the other women who ignored infidelity and other things) in the future in a worse position. You could meet a guy who doesn't cheat on his (long-term?) partner and have kids with him.

I have a toddler and having a child has out more strain and stress on our very long-term relationship than I ever would've believed possible .. how do you think hes going to behave if that's what he does when you don't have all that responsibility and stress and potential for arguments and resentments.

24 year old Instagram model "came along" - you make it sound so passive on his behalf. It wasn't.

Who's going to "come along" next?

EL8888 · 18/09/2019 11:29

Personally l would. I would want to know if my husband / wife was cheating on me

GilbertMarkham · 18/09/2019 11:29

*put

GilbertMarkham · 18/09/2019 11:34

A gas man? I was expecting some sort of 50 shades style Mr Grey. How has he bagged himself you and an Instagram model?

I've seen men with confidence and a bit of blarney/charm - who are not even conventionally attractive - get women left right and centre.

Besides already having a partner makes sone people very relaxed and confident with the opposite sex, cause they have nothing to lose (unless she finds out and ends the relationship - which they prefer to think she won't, and many times are correct in that). . and nice things to gain in terns of sex with a new person, excitement, ego boost, fun etc.

GilbertMarkham · 18/09/2019 11:36

Also that sort of job probably gives you lots of interaction with people inc. women at their homes etc.

GilbertMarkham · 18/09/2019 11:44

Im 34, no kids.... can not imagine having to go through dating again and starting all over

You're young.

When you're older you'll realise how young you were. When you're older you'll realise how ridiculous that thinking was. You can date, with a sensible outlook, and find someone.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2019 11:52

Also that sort of job probably gives you lots of interaction with people inc. women at their homes etc.
Indeed! Never date an electrician either!!!

JingsMahBucket · 18/09/2019 14:01

@Bailey500

I am not ready to move out or him move out, I feel the sudden change will make me do something I regret... like ask him back because im lonely and miss him...
I feel fully in control right now and emotionally stable and don’t want to change that.

I’m really glad you wrote this @Bailey500. It shows you’re somewhat in control of your mind and emotions. You don’t have to kick him out now but maybe ask him to move into a separate room in your house so you put physical distance between yourselves. The physical distance will help you create mental distance and mentally detach much more easily. You can’t think straight if you’re still sharing the same bed, bathroom, etc.

If anything ask to move to a different room with all time limit of say 6 weeks to 2 months and then he moves out. That could give you enough transition time to get used to not thinking about his presence, needs/wants, etc.

Original poster
Bailey500 · 18/09/2019 14:17

Thanks @jingsmahbucket after weeks of thinking I was going mad and being told I was paranoid I finally have my beautiful intelligent mind back!

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 18/09/2019 15:21

@Bailey get him to live with his parents, and then fill the house with lodgers.

Whack the rent into your mortgage to reduce it. You also get tax relief on rentals.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2019 16:19

being told I was paranoid
That is the worst bit.
THEY are fucking around and you are going insane and they make out you are even more insane which sends you crazy.
Something I was trying to get across to someone in a previous post about telling people.
You literally 'lose your mind' 'go crazy'
Then the fog clears and hey - you were right all along!

ConcreteUnderpants · 19/09/2019 11:12

Im confused.
At 2pm you were trying to work things out with your partner, by 6pm you've become BFF's with his mistress and going to end it with partner.
Is that right or have a missed a week or so of updates?