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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell the husband about his wife?

186 replies

Bailey500 · 17/09/2019 14:03

Two weeks ago I found out my partner was cheating... its hit me very hard because we went through so much to be together and built the most incredible house/life together... Then a 25 year old instagram model came along... (im 34) We dont have children but were going to start trying in january, we are trying to patch things up slowly and my feelings are changing daily so not really sure what will happen. But have a burning desire to tell her husband, I have suffered so much and just think its unfair that he doesn't know and that she just gets away with being so reckless! Should I tell him?!

OP posts:
0lga · 17/09/2019 16:39

I’m sorry OP, that must be devastating for you.

The only consolation is that you have found out what’s he’s like now before you have children together.

I assume you will ask your husband to move out straight away. You also need to get legal advice ASAP and tell your friends and family so they can support you.

SnackBadger · 17/09/2019 16:40

Do not have children with this cheat.

Do not continue a relationship with this liar.

It might seem hard to break up but it will be much more difficult when there are children in the equation (because he will cheat on and lie to you again).

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 16:41

What an absolute shit he is. At least now you have clarification that this relationship is not worth investing in.

I wish you well OP- onwards and upwards.

AddictedProcrastinatorMan · 17/09/2019 16:42

@RamIt

I'm not saying that he should not be told. Or told. But the OP is not in the right frame of mind to make the decision.

You may not rate Esther Perel at all. But then you have no credentials on this site and she has years of study and hours of therapy behind her. Other therapists hold her view.

The pain the OP has experienced is what they argue someone should be spared, if possible.

SunshineCake · 17/09/2019 16:46

saraclara is talking nonsense. The OPs husband should have thought about the effects of him having an affair. Dickhead.

sashamichele · 17/09/2019 16:47

I'd tell him in a heartbeat

AgentJohnson · 17/09/2019 16:47

Well I wasn’t in favour or you contacting her H but in doing so, you came a lot closer to the truth. I don’t know which is worse, the cheating or the incredible ease at which he lies.

bluegirlgreen · 17/09/2019 16:48

@Bailey500

I 100% absolutely would tell the husband.

Why the hell shouldn't you?

He needs to know what a cheating cow he is with.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2019 16:49

So will you leave your husband op?

RushianDisney · 17/09/2019 16:50

Do you know who her husband is and have a method of contacting him? Because I wouldn't trust anything she or your DH have said, they are both liars and cheats, your DH may well be 'protecting' her. They clearly have no issue with lying, why stop when you're caught out if there is a possibility of worming your way out of it with a few more lies? I'd still be letting her 'separated' husband know what had been going on. Have a read on the Reddit adultery threads, people are even more devious when found out.

Ditch your crappy husband and don't reproduce with him. You still have time to find someone nice and have a happy family, don't waste your life on someone happy to lie to your face.

StarlingsInSummer · 17/09/2019 16:52

So will you leave your husband op?

Yes yes do tell us, OP. After all, Corrie and Eastenders aren’t on til later and apparently some of us need your updates to add a bit of drama to our own sad dull lives.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2019 16:56

Yes yes do tell us, OP. After all, Corrie and Eastenders aren’t on til later and apparently some of us need your updates to add a bit of drama to our own sad dull lives.

Oh do get a grip. The reason I asked is because some women will sadly find any reason to stay with a lying cheating piece of shit, and to their detriment. Whether the op leaves or not is not something she has to tell us, but both are hard roads.

leaserspottedmummybird · 17/09/2019 16:56

Yes I would tell him

Shockers · 17/09/2019 16:57

At least you know what you’re dealing with now. Good luck.

RamIt · 17/09/2019 16:59

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan

You know the easiest way to spare someone the pain that the OP is in?

Don't cheat. It's easy, it's simple and it's something every married person has vowed to do.

Of course, marriage therapists advocate for the 'don't ask, don't tell' position. Means they can add another plus in the column of marriages they've saved Hmm

Sorry for the derail OP, you need to take care of yourself now. Try and drink plenty of fluids, eat if you can face it and seek support in real life if you can.

crimsonlake · 17/09/2019 17:06

Concern yourself with what is going on in your relationship.
I have been in this situation, yes you want revenge and yes you want to ruin the other persons life...However I decided I could not live with myself and the thought of being responsible for ruin their children's lives if they had any.

macem · 17/09/2019 17:08

Yet another thread where posters can't be bothered to read before posting. So fucking annoying!

Good call OP, always shine a light in dirty corners.

giantnannyknickers · 17/09/2019 17:08

Jesus OP are you ok? Would you meet the OW for a chat?

DBML · 17/09/2019 17:17

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan

If op were to tell the husband (if of course he’s not already separated from his wife) then the only people to have caused that pain would still be the wife and op’s husband.

Op is not and will never be the ‘cause’ of that pain.

combatbarbie · 17/09/2019 17:24

How can you be so sure they are split up? This is a classic line to get you to not tell him.

Besides that, had you not contacted her you would not know the full extent of the deceit, its very easy to listen to a watered down version when in fact by hearing both sides you get a better understanding of it..... And I know it hurts but it will help get you get closure x

AmeliaE · 17/09/2019 17:37

OP, I know that feeling of thinking that you have been living a lie.
You will get through it, remember that you are young and strong. You deserve better.
I'd tell the husband but not in a "revenge" mode, only because I'd like to know if I were on his shoes.
I was in a similar position many years ago and I would have liked to be told what was happening.

Moominfan · 17/09/2019 17:43

Most people will tell you not to. Keep your dignity and take the high road. But I fucking would. In a heartbeat.*

Yea I would, make sure to present proof though

1forAll74 · 17/09/2019 17:45

I wouldn't tell this guy, but he may know,or suspect things about his wife anyway, Just concentrate on what you wan't to do about your own life,and feelings now.

PinkCrayon · 17/09/2019 17:53

I would definately tell I hate people that lie.

CoinOperatedBoy · 17/09/2019 17:54

OP I've been there. Mine had the lying thing. It's utter hell. It turned my brain inside out and crushed it, swallowed it whole and spat it out. He left me in so much debt because he'd been lying about paying the flipping bills for a year! He claimed child tax credits after he left and for some reason it's ME that has to pay them back!!

Now I have to re-build my life, start at the bottom, counting every penny, and carry on being "mum" to two young boys. He's off having a great time, out all the time, hotels, bars and holidays...

Sorry, hi-jacked a bit there but it helps a bit to know others are out there doesn't it? I get it.... and you can and will have a lovely life without him I promise xx