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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I tell the husband about his wife?

186 replies

Bailey500 · 17/09/2019 14:03

Two weeks ago I found out my partner was cheating... its hit me very hard because we went through so much to be together and built the most incredible house/life together... Then a 25 year old instagram model came along... (im 34) We dont have children but were going to start trying in january, we are trying to patch things up slowly and my feelings are changing daily so not really sure what will happen. But have a burning desire to tell her husband, I have suffered so much and just think its unfair that he doesn't know and that she just gets away with being so reckless! Should I tell him?!

OP posts:

Report

MrsNotNice · 17/09/2019 15:29

Go tell him before she gets the chance to create introductory stories to make you sound like a liar and crazy. Find evidence and tell him. Quick

Morgan12 · 17/09/2019 15:31

You have just messaged him directly. Now you have basically started an argument with the OW.

TheGoddessFrigg · 17/09/2019 15:32

I'd be too worried that he'd kill her or beat her up.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/09/2019 15:36

Do you want him to know ourely out of spite (and I don't blame you) or because you feel he deserves to know? Why did you have to fight so hard to be with your DH? Sounds like he really wasn't worth it. Sorry OP,
he's your problem, not her.

MrsNotNice · 17/09/2019 15:38

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack

Even if she wants to tell him to get some sort of validation for her devastation then I’d say that’s fair.

Secondly, I do think he deserves to know and she needs consequences for her behaviour.

flowerywall · 17/09/2019 15:42

I wouldn’t. I think it’s best to leave that side of things and focus on your own life. I would want to but I wouldn’t.

Tamrastarr · 17/09/2019 15:47

It really is awful not knowing.
Knowing in your gut something is wrong but not being able to prove it.
Feeling like you are going insane and you've no idea why.
Unless you've been in this position you cannot possibly know what it feels like to 'know' but not know, and then when you do know, knowing everyone else knew and didn't have the decency to tell you..... Well it's fucking nauseating. Trust me!

All of this!!

How did you find out OP?

overnightangel · 17/09/2019 15:48

Of course you tell him!! The little skank will just do it again with someone else and the poor bloke is wasting his life on her

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 15:51

Couple of thoughts- how are you going to know she has told him and how do you know they don't have an open relationship?

Dump your partner and get tested- he is a shit.

justthecat · 17/09/2019 15:56

I would

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2019 15:57

I'd gave messages him first tbh as now she will only say you are one of her crazy instance stalkers or something.

Message him the basic details, apologise that you had to be the one to tell him, wish him all the best and leave it at that.

Mxyzptlk · 17/09/2019 15:57

Bear in mind the effect that telling him will have on your relationship when your husband finds out.

Seriously? Husband might be annoyed? Tough for him.

The guy needs to know, out of consideration for him not out of spite to the OW.

CacenCrunch · 17/09/2019 15:58

Yes I would tell him 100%

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2019 15:59

*have messaged

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2019 16:00

Totally get what your saying, DH has so far done all the right things to put things right

Of course he has because he wants an easy life. Then he'll cheat again.

Boysey45 · 17/09/2019 16:02

The main issue here is your partner, you do realize that he will do this again and again don't you? Leopards don't change their spots.

AddictedProcrastinatorMan · 17/09/2019 16:02

@RamIt

Marriage therapists such as Esther Perel advise that confessions are not made where the cheating has stopped. We do not know the intentions of the OW but in the view of a professional, this is a sensitive and potentially damaging situation. I think stranges are too casually making the decision.

The OP has stated that she is considering telling him because she cannot stand the OW not suffering. The motive is revenge and I think this is an awful premise for something that can really hurt him.

Bailey500 · 17/09/2019 16:04

UPDATE: She is separated and he told her a pack of lies about how we were split up... she's been badly hurt by him also from the lies and promises...

OP posts:

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 16:04

I think I would disengage from communicating with her and instead provide the evidence you have for her husband -noting that he is entitled to know if his partner is putting his health at risk via her choices.

Have you had sexual health checks yourself?

AddictedProcrastinatorMan · 17/09/2019 16:05

@gemma1971

"It's not about revenge."

The OP stated that she wants to tell him because she cannot stand the OW not being hurt. While he may have a right to know, given this motive and conflict, it may not be her place to tell him until she can ensure that she is making the right decision for him, a stranger, and deliver it in a way that is best for him and not for her. He should not be collateral to the OP.

Boysey45 · 17/09/2019 16:05

You need to wise up to the fact that your partner doesn't love you enough to keep it in his trousers. Never mind your nice house etc. You need to leave him.I'm sorry it must be very upsetting.

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 16:05

I call bullshit- I wouldn't trust her an inch unless she can evidence it.

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Sagradafamiliar · 17/09/2019 16:08

It's down to what you want to do, there isn't really a right or wrong as there are downsides to both scenarios. It's a shit situation but one which isn't of your making so feel no guilt if you do.
I think he should be able to make an informed choice about staying with his partner, like your choice is also informed. Be the one to cut through all the lies and let him deal with facts.

81Byerley · 17/09/2019 16:10

You need to leave him. He's proven himself a cheat and even more a liar than you realised. Best revenge? Make friends with her. She's been ill-used as well.

AddictedProcrastinatorMan · 17/09/2019 16:10

@hellsbellsmelons

Professionals, ie marriage therapists warn about discolosures to cheated parties. It is a very delicate matter. You however are so sure you know better and are making the decision that a strager is better of knowing. The OP has stated the her motive is to make the OW hurt, so logically she is not in a good position to be the one to inform him. She can cause him hurt in her thirst to hurt the women. Whether he should know or not is irrelevant because that is not her motive.

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