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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hit my partner! So ashamed

139 replies

AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 20:14

Nced for this as it could be outing. And I'm so ashamed and disappointed

All day he was doing things and trying to cause an argument.
Like this morning he was refusing to take his son (aged 2) back to his mum's so I had to whilst he was still in bed and I had to give his son breakfast and get him dressed.

Then this afternoon he was ignoring me. And when he spoke to me he started an argument.

And I was so fed up with him and angry I hit him.

He's gone out now probably to the pub.

I'm so ashamed 😢

OP posts:

Ilikethisone · 31/08/2019 20:51

Its not ok. You need to split.

If your home is in his name, leave.

BayandBlonde · 31/08/2019 20:56

Hitting is hitting, did you expect sympathy because you're female and he sounds like a lazy arse?

He should leave you, end of.

TwentyEight12 · 31/08/2019 20:56

Please do try to understand something very basic but very crucial here.

There is a line.

And it has been crossed.

No matter how sorry you are and how ashamed you are, psychologically speaking, you have snapped. That means you can’t be around the person who you have hit any longer. Obviously things have got to such a point that you are no longer coping well. This means for everybody’s benefit including your own, it would be best if you removed yourself from the dynamic as it isn’t working for you.

If a normally ok person, resorts to physically abusing another, it means something has gone wrong.

I understand you feel dreadful. I’m certain he also feels dreadful. But right now, if there is any way in which you can go and stay somewhere else, that would be best for all.

maartjebaabes · 31/08/2019 20:56

But objectively its not as bad if a woman hits a man, so I wouldn't worry about it, provided its a one off event

I dont agree with this as such, but it will always be worse if the hitter is bigger and stronger, and a 6st woman slapping a 17 st man is objectively less serial than the other way round

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 31/08/2019 20:56

There's never an excuse for hitting him: it doesn't matter how frustrated you feel or how lazy you think he's being.

Really the ball's in his court as to whether he wants to stay with someone who cannot control their temper - and whether he wants his son in that environment: I certainly wouldn't want my two year old around someone whose impulse is to lash out when angry.

What do you think everyone on here would be saying if he had hit you because you frustrated him?

HappyHammy · 31/08/2019 20:58

Things will not improve. Having a relationship with him when his ex was about to have a bsby. That's difficult for everyone and a bad start. Anyone driven to physical attack is in the wrong relationship. I'd end it now.

Mxyzptlk · 31/08/2019 21:00

OP, you were severely provoked.
Of course you shouldn't have hit him, but he shouldn't have been being a complete shit all day.
Don't take all the blame on yourself.

If this is unusual behaviour for him, try to have a talk about what went wrong and why.
If it's normal for him to behave so selfishly and nastily, consider if you really want to be with him.

(I'm assuming you didn't give him a massive punch and I'd say the same to a man who snapped after a day of unreasonableness.)

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 31/08/2019 21:00

I think there is a point where almost anyone will lash out and you clearly reached yours. It's clear that this relationship is not healthy and the best thing to do would be to split up. Counselling might help, but this relationship may just be so unhealthy that you will return to the same patterns time after time. This is not the man for you (and that's not to say that I blame him, it just seems like the whole situation is bad).
Do you have a child together or can you just leave and never see each other again? Because if you can do that then you really should.

Original poster

AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 21:02

No i didn't expect sympathy because I'm female. I know I shouldn't have done it.

I don't blame him if he ends it.

I'm just so upset that I hit him 😞

OP posts:

june2007 · 31/08/2019 21:03

First apologise. Second xplain that things do need to change and that it is unreasonable to be up looking after the child when he is in bed. Also if he is started arquements find out why is he bored frustrated, stressed?

june2007 · 31/08/2019 21:05

If no change in relationship then maybe you can't go on. For everyones sakes. (especially sine there is a child in the picture.)

cacklingmags · 31/08/2019 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wildcherries · 31/08/2019 21:05

The double standards are astounding. "Objectively not as bad ..." WTF. If this was a man posting, the pitchforks would be out!

Get yourself out of that relationship for everyone's sake and book into anger management.

Scott72 · 31/08/2019 21:07

"but it will always be worse if the hitter is bigger and stronger"

Yes. I certainly wouldn't describe myself as a feminist, but there are all sorts of power imbalances in play which makes a woman hitting a man usually nowhere as serious as the other round. My initial response was a bit too flippant, this is something to worry about, but the relationships is salvageable - if she thinks its worth continuing.

Tarqs · 31/08/2019 21:08

What is wrong with you people? Had a guy posted this he would be being ripped to shreds by you all. Disgusting.

FirstTimeToddlerMum · 31/08/2019 21:10

He should be leaving you , domestic violence is not ok.

Shame on you.

GlitchStitch · 31/08/2019 21:10

The whole thing sounds shit. Who starts a relationship when their ex is about to give birth? And he sounds lazy. And now you have lashed out at him which is totally unacceptable. Just end it for everyone's sake, maybe he will step up and start doing more for his son without you there to do it for him.

Weezol · 31/08/2019 21:11

Leave and get help. This relationship is no good for any of you, most importantly the two year old.

Malvinaa81 · 31/08/2019 21:14

The double standards here have been exposed.

Some actually think it's OK for a woman to hit a man, others that it's OK if the woman is smaller.

These posters need to take a look at themselves.

As to the OP's problem, it's not enough to be ashamed. It's likely the relationship has various other issues, and it could well be time to end it.

Once hitting starts, where will it end?

Original poster

AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 21:20

I want to apologise to him but he isn't answering and then it's up to him if he wants to stay

We were friends before we got together. But then him and his ex split at the start of her pregnancy (16ish weeks) with was a mutual desicion and then we got together near the end (38ish weeks).

OP posts:

Dippypippy1980 · 31/08/2019 21:20

You should never hit someone. If you can’t control your temper you need anger management.

Be clear - this is domestic abuse. It’s not ok because he is a man.

NoCauseRebel · 31/08/2019 21:21

I’m guessing that as you got together while the ex was pregnant he left her for you?

Violence is violence. Size and strength have nothing to do with it. If a man slaps a woman she is instantly told to LTB, but let it happen the other way around and that’s ok because she’s a woman and it’s not as bad? And yet again the victim blaming on mn continues.

Yes, statistically more women are victims of domestic violence, although there are figures emerging which seem to suggest that the numbers of men in violent relationships is higher than originally thought.

But regardless of whether there are more women than men in violent relationships that doesn’t mean that when it is the other way around people should minimise it on the basis of “well, more women are abused than men so this one’s ok.”

Original poster

AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 21:26

No he didn't leave her for me. They made a mutual decision. And we didn't get together until 4/5 months after he split up with his ex.

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/08/2019 21:27

OP, you were severely provoked. Of course you shouldn't have hit him, but he shouldn't have been being a complete shit all day. Don't take all the blame on yourself.

Ffs. Another apologist for a woman. 🙄

Ginger1982 · 31/08/2019 21:31

@Mxyzptlk 🙄

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