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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hit my partner! So ashamed

139 replies

AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 20:14

Nced for this as it could be outing. And I'm so ashamed and disappointed

All day he was doing things and trying to cause an argument.
Like this morning he was refusing to take his son (aged 2) back to his mum's so I had to whilst he was still in bed and I had to give his son breakfast and get him dressed.

Then this afternoon he was ignoring me. And when he spoke to me he started an argument.

And I was so fed up with him and angry I hit him.

He's gone out now probably to the pub.

I'm so ashamed 😢

OP posts:
OctoberLovers · 31/08/2019 21:32

I feel sorry for the child in all of this

Sounds like nether of you can be bothered with him, poor baby

Ginger1982 · 31/08/2019 21:33

@cacklingmags violence is still violence at the end of the day. Yes a man can physically do more damage if he hits a woman but it isn't the damage caused that's the issue, it's the fact that either party somehow feel justified in lifting their hands.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2019 21:35

Is there a particularly stressful situation atm? The way you describe your communication the relationship isn’t working and he showed you very little respect today. You are responsible for crossing a line. However don’t take all the responsibility for how today played out. He provoked you and you snapped by the sound of it. Definitely not ok of course.

Are you normally intense? Perhaps he was ignoring you ducking / hiding. Or perhaps he’s an arse.

SimonJT · 31/08/2019 21:36

Domestic violence is never acceptable, if you’re hitting adults I would have concerns about how you would behave around children when they’re getting on your nerves.

You need to get some serious help to change your behaviour if you want another relationship in the future.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 21:40

Domestic violence is never ok, and it's shocking some women think it is, if you're female, if you're smaller, it's not. It's never ok. Man on woman, woman on man, man on man, woman on woman, domestic violence is never acceptable.

You have been violent and abusive to your partner. End it if he doesn't.

Tarqs · 31/08/2019 21:42

@AlexaAmbidextra

You’d have the same attitude if the OP was a man I assume?

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 21:46

All this 'hitting is hitting' bollocks I am seeing on here is seriously ignoring the damage done by a great big bloke hitting a woman and a not so strong woman hitting a man

Please tell me you're drunk?

I'm five eight, my husband is six foot, I could still cause some damage. If it came it it, I could put up a good fight, But the reason I ask if you're drunk, hope you are, is because it's not about the fighting back, it's not about the damage caused, it's about the humiliation of being battered by your partner. About the violence you endure and are unable to fight back, be it because your bigger, or because you're scared.

I'm hoping your excessive alcohol consumption has prevented you seeing that?

toffeepinklady · 31/08/2019 21:51

That is horrendous. You just need to end the relationship. If anything else, so his son isn't a witness to domestic abuse. You are a domestic abuser.

Original poster
AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 21:56

Without being too outing yes stressful situation. We recently found out his sperm Count is low so his son was a miracle.
We are both upset but he kept apologing but I told him it wasn't his fault.

But we were arguing over something totally different

OP posts:
jelly79 · 31/08/2019 22:00

I'd be fuming if I was the ex. You having to bring her son home because he couldn't be arsed.

Do not agree with you hitting him but he sounds like a dick.

misskiki69 · 31/08/2019 22:04

I am truly shocked by some opinions on this thread and how some of you have tried to minimise what's happened just because op is a woman.

Abuse is abuse - whatever the gender, whatever the size. Whether it's a one of, or not, it can cause long term damage.

Weezol · 31/08/2019 22:05

cacklingmags When my 6'3 16st mate was abused by his 5'5 8st girlfriend I took him to A&E. She'd thrown a heavy glass ashtray at his head, splitting his forehead and breaking his nose, punched him repeatedly and when he hit the deck, kicked him so hard he had fractured two ribs.

She'd slapped him round the face a few weeks earlier and he hadn't told anyone because it hadn’t really hurt that much, and it really wasn't that bad and she was really ashamed and kept apologising for slapping him so he'd let it go.

I have a couple of similar stories from other large male friends and relatives - one was beaten with a kitchen chair because he didn't hand over his wage packet over the minute he go in.

Violence is violence is violence no matter who is the perpetrator.

Original poster
AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 22:26

His ex didn't question anything when I dropped his son off. As I occasionally drop him off. If OH is at work the next day so she must've just thought he was working

OP posts:
FairyDust92 · 31/08/2019 22:38

But objectively its not as bad if a woman hits a man, so I wouldn't worry about it, provided its a one off event

And this shit is why men feel ashamed/embarrassed to speak up about DV.

You hit him, you should be ashamed and if I was him I'd end the relationship and never allow you around the child again.

HappyHammy · 31/08/2019 22:40

Do you really think its best to have children together. Is that the life you both want. He has s child who he csnt.be.arsed to care for properly already. What will he be like with another child.Confused

Original poster
AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 22:49

We weren't trying for a baby. He went to GP for something else and they did the sperm Count test.
.

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 31/08/2019 22:55

Look u didnt sit back and in a cold calculated way decide u were going to hit him. U lost your temper and lashed out with out thinking. Whilst it is far from ok I doubt he was genuinely scared. DV is always unacceptable but think that in a one of instance of him being totally unreasonable and u lashing out is very different from someone (Male or female) being scared and intimidated by their partner. Whilst I dont think it's ok I dont think it means u are a terrible person and the relationship is doomed. U are remorseful. It can be sorted. Apologes there was wrong on both sides. More so yours cause u got physical. When u say hit him are u talking a slap to face? Punch? Tap on the arm? The level of violence is relevant. A hit can mean lots of things.

EssexSexpot · 31/08/2019 22:58

Sounds like a toxic relationship. And hitting is abusive. For the sake of the kid I think you need to walk away from it.

Original poster
AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 23:03

I slapped him on the face.

I will apologise tomorrow because he is probably really drunk and still isn't answering when I call him but he's probably got it switched off or on silent..

OP posts:
TwentyEight12 · 31/08/2019 23:13

@AnimeAnnon

What are your plans for this relationship?

Are you going to get help via counselling?

Are you going to leave or stay

Original poster
AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 23:20

I don't know my plans or if I'm going to leave or stay. It's up to him.

I don't have anger issues I just wasn't thinking

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2019 23:29

I don't have anger issues I just wasn't thinking
Most people mange not to thump their partner when they’re “not thinking”.Hmm

Weezol · 31/08/2019 23:51

Yeah, you're following the DV script.

kylieeee · 31/08/2019 23:56

It sounds as though this has been at boiling point for a while. Your partner is supposed to bring out the best in you, and for someone who isn't usually violent, your partner is bringing out the worst - someone you aren't meant to be.

Goes without saying, hitting is never okay, frustrated, angry, upset, whatever... you shouldn't lose your character in the moment, especially to someone you love. It really sounds like you've both been through a hard time and rather than leaning on eachother, your taking it out on one another. There's a lot of anger and emotion you clearly aren't talking about, you need to find a way to communicate and admit how shit and angry you both feel.

I hope whichever decision is made, you are both able to move forward and be happy, whether that is together or separately. People make mistakes under pressure, so don't be too hard on yourself. Just make sure you learn from this. Don't turn into someone your not just because your feeling angry at the world. X

readitandwept · 01/09/2019 00:02

Like this morning he was refusing to take his son (aged 2) back to his mum's so I had to whilst he was still in bed and I had to give his son breakfast and get him dressed.

Why did you have to? What would have happened if you didn't?

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