Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I hit my partner! So ashamed

139 replies

AnimeAnnon · 31/08/2019 20:14

Nced for this as it could be outing. And I'm so ashamed and disappointed

All day he was doing things and trying to cause an argument.
Like this morning he was refusing to take his son (aged 2) back to his mum's so I had to whilst he was still in bed and I had to give his son breakfast and get him dressed.

Then this afternoon he was ignoring me. And when he spoke to me he started an argument.

And I was so fed up with him and angry I hit him.

He's gone out now probably to the pub.

I'm so ashamed 😢

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 01/09/2019 00:03

There’s never an excuse to hit someone, no matter what. Just walk away, leave the room and slowly count to ten or go for a walk outside to cool down.

You’ve crossed a line and things may never be the same in your relationship if he decides to stay with you.

Elieza · 01/09/2019 00:42

You need to make changes or this will happen again. Time to apologise and talk and sort things out. Tomorrow or later - when he’s sober and not hung over.
If he won’t pull his weight with child care it could be that you’re better off without him. Better to be single and a good example to kids than to be in a toxic relationship where they have to witness shouting and hitting.

TwentyEight12 · 01/09/2019 01:14

I’m glad I asked you the questions I did and you gave the answers you did.

I can see that you aren’t truly understanding the severity of what has occurred.

I can see that because you have excused yourself with ‘I don’t have anger issues I wasn’t really thinking’

MiniMum97 · 01/09/2019 01:48

‘Domestic abuse’ covers a range of types of abuse, including, but not limited to, psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional abuse. ‘Domestic abuse’ can be prosecuted under a range of offences and the term is used to describe a range of controlling and coercive behaviours, used by one person to maintain control over another with whom they have, or have had, an intimate or family relationship.
Domestic abuse is rarely a one-off incident and is the cumulative and interlinked types of abuse that have a particularly damaging effect on the victim.
The ‘domestic’ nature of the offending behaviour is an aggravating factor because of the abuse of trust involved.

Please stop throwing around the abuse word. One incident of a loss of control does not make this abuse. Obviously not ok to hit someone but this does not make the OP an abuser.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 01/09/2019 02:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2019 08:14

Then, see if you want to apologise or start the process of improving your relationship by getting him to treat you more humanely.

Did you totally miss the fact that SHE hit HIM? No way anyone would write that if he’d hit her.

Dogsarebetterthancatsok · 01/09/2019 08:21

It’s a disgrace that people are defending the OP. This is why men don’t report DV. I bet it’s far higher than the statistics say. Also, although women may be smaller and not as strong as men, they tend to use ‘weapons’ so it is just as bad as a man hitting a woman.

Tarqs · 01/09/2019 08:26

@Bluntness100

Ahhh okay, so what you’re saying is if the woman is bigger it’s okay to give her a little slap? What if I hold back? Don’t put the full force into it? That okay too? What if he hits the OP back? Is that okay now? I can only assume you’re a troll.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 01/09/2019 08:28

OP, you were severely provoked.
Of course you shouldn't have hit him, but he shouldn't have been being a complete shit all day

I think there is a point where almost anyone will lash out and you clearly reached yours

Could you imagine the reaction to someone saying this to a man who has just hit his partner?

EleanorReally · 01/09/2019 08:28

he went to the GP for somethign else and they randomly tested his sperm ? Shock

EleanorReally · 01/09/2019 08:30

Did he retaliate op?

AnimeAnnon · 01/09/2019 08:39

No he didn't retaliate.

If I didn't take his son back to his ex then he wouldn't have gone home and she would probably stop contact.

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 01/09/2019 08:42

He came back ok?

Northernparent68 · 01/09/2019 08:55

Seriously minimum, hitting someone is nt abuse ? Are you for real ?

Justtryingtobehelpful · 01/09/2019 08:58

@purple..... & @dogs....

In the book, Lundy covers how the statistics indicate that female on male violence is significantly less in comparison to male on female.

He also covers how females tend to retaliate after being provoked by tactics such as horrible comments, ignoring, starting a fight and twisting your words back on you until you feel so confused and frustrated, you lash out. Then, they use that as a means to validate their position that is 'you' being the unfair person. Whereupon they act like they were the victim the whole time.

My concern cane from the fact he lay in bed even though he knew not getting his son back to his ex would mean his visits stop. He knew, probably from experience, OO would do it for him, which she did. Instead of thanking her, he ignored her, then started a fight with her on purpose. I'll assume he made comments to her. He pushed her buttons. She got frustrated and realised to his behaviour. He then plays the victim and goes out to get drink and refuses to make contact with her.

Is this part of a longer ongoing pattern where OP is being manipulated? If she reads the book, she'll be able to figure out out. Or, at least, find better ways to handle the situation in an assertive magnet to so she doesn't get so tired by his selfish behaviour and can put the onus back on him to shoulder the responsibility for his son''s well being and how he handled the situation himself. It all happened because he didn't want to get out of bed and deal with his own child. That's unfair on OP. More reasons I'm wondering is this a regular occurrence for OP to have to look after his needs over her own.

Again, the book covers that aspect so well too.

Ilikethisone · 01/09/2019 09:03

I hate this 'it's not as bad if it's a woman hitting a man'.

Its total bollocks. Is violence not that bad in a lesbian relationship? Cause its 2 women? Or is it not that bad if its the smaller woman?

Its total bollocks. When you hit someone its not just the physical damage that can be done. Being physically abused is humiliating, you feel shame. There emotional damage that happens too.

Would anyone say to a woman who was shoved by her husband "but how hard was it, did it actually hurt'.

I can see from these threads why men donr really come forward when their female partner abused them.

My friend called me once at about 11pm and asked if I could run her to the hospital. He brother was there. I went up, we went in and blood was pouring from the back of his head. His wife had repeatedly punched him in the back of his head with her rings on. He couldnt walk in straight line but staggered out someone found sat on the pavement outside the house.

His wife and her adult son was at the hospital. I over heard the son telling his mum that if police became involved she should 'just lie and say he hit her first'.

This wasnt the first time she had hit him. It wasn't the last. She was 5ft5 and he was 6ft 4in. By the time he left her he was a shadow of the person I knew in our teens. He attempted suicide several times and is still a mess years later.

So dont tell me, a woman hitting a man isnt as bad. Yes men are, generally, stronger theres a bigger immediate danger.

But telling women it isnt that bad, is telling them they can get away with it. And like all physical abuse, it escalates.

People who think female violence isnt a big deal, make me sick. I bet if it was their son, they wouldn't be saying that.

This relationship is fucked up. He sounds like a poor excuse for a father
OP has issues. No o e slaps someone because they 'just werent thinking'. That's like abusers excuses 101.

Ilikethisone · 01/09/2019 09:06

@Justtryingtobehelpful its very well known that men dont report DV as much as women. Stats on it are heavily impacted by this fact.

You say women are documented as retaliating. Well of course, people excuse it if a man has wound a woman up. Of course some women are going to say it's his fault rather than take responsibility.

Again, shifting blame, abusers handbook.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 01/09/2019 09:25

On the reverse, seemingly many controlling men use covert tactics to manipulate their partner into hurting them which gives them leverage. As this was a one off, it seems strange for her to do it. Reading the lead up to the event makes me wonder if it was a tactic used by hey partner.

Whilst I appreciate men can be abused too, that doesn't seem to be the issue here. She retaliated out of frustration rather than a need to threaten out intimidate as outlined in the male victim story above.

If OP reads the book, she'd be in a position to see if she is being emotionally abused by a controlling partner. If not, she be able to see herself in the description of the abuser.

For myself, I suspect from reading her version, it's the former not the latter.

Mxyzptlk · 01/09/2019 09:29

I don't know my plans or if I'm going to leave or stay. It's up to him.

Leaving everything up to him has contributed to the unpleasant situation you are in.
Take responsibility for yourself and your reactions to his unreasonable behaviour.
And let him know he has been unreasonable.

Timeaftertime42 · 01/09/2019 09:32

*I don't know my plans or if I'm going to leave or stay. It's up to him.

I don't have anger issues I just wasn't thinking*

No it's not up to him, it's up to you. You need to take control here and do what's right for all three of you.

Your dp sounds like a complete idiot from your description of the day but that doesn't excuse hitting him. You lashed out "without thinking" because you were wound up..... you do have anger issues then. Lashing out at another person isn't right.

Op it sounds like this relationship is making you unhappy and stressed, there's a toddler caught in the middle of all the negativity too. I honestly think you need to remove yourself from this situation and stop giving your dp the power to decide what's going to happen.

Mxyzptlk · 01/09/2019 09:33

For instance, when he refused to get out of bed to get his son up you did not have to take on doing it for him.

You could have told him you were going out for a walk and it was up to him to look after his son.

Do not let him dictate to you.

Fizzypoo · 01/09/2019 09:37

I agree with @MiniMum97 and I don't believe you are an abuser. You have slapped your partner once, you are not using physical violence to control him.

Yes OP you are responsible for your own actions and you need to take responsibility for slapping your 'd'p.

However, he doesn't sound like a very nice man. I wonder if he was trying to provoke an argument to be able to go down the pub... I think your worth loads more than this shit storm of a relationship. A boundary has been passed now with you hitting him, it will be easier for you to hit him again and easier for him to hit you. This is not a healthy relationship.

AnimeAnnon · 01/09/2019 09:46

He stayed with his friends last night.

I know I shouldn't have hit him and it was my responsibility but I do feel ashamed and upset about it

I only took his son back to his ex so he could carry on seeing his son. But if I was the mum I would've told him I was going out for a walk or to the shops etc and he has to get him dressed and give him breakfast etc.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 01/09/2019 10:39

You should have left him to it with his son. His son, his contact, his responsibility. You can't use the fact that you're a martyr as an excuse for hitting him.

If his ex finds out about this she may well stop contact anyway.

mamaraah · 01/09/2019 11:20

Op you need to get out before one of you seriously injures the other, or worse....

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread