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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

when is it not ‘banter’ anymore

185 replies

CracklinRosieGetOnBoard · 28/08/2019 20:11

Bit of background...been with DP nearly 5 years, he is 36 and I am 43 so a bit of an age gap (this is relevant). We have a 2yo DD.
We’ve always been quite jokey with each other and have a similar sense of humour. There’s always been ‘banter’ (hate that word tbh) always instigated by him about the fact I’m older than him and I’ve given as good as I’ve got back. Ironically people always think I’m younger than him so the fact he takes the piss out of the age difference has never bothered me too much in the past.
However., he is becoming increasingly spiteful but under the guise of joking.
For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt and other things that I can’t bring myself to say on here. He’s been pulled up before by one of his relatives at a family party who heard him refer to me as ‘old woman.’ She told him it wasn’t nice but he brushed it off as her not understanding his sense of humour.
It came to a head at the weekend when he made a comment about how he’s always had a thing for women who are brunette and petite but he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.’ I’m embarrassed to say I just burst into tears and told him I’d had enough of the constant put downs. I asked him why he can’t just be nice for once. He never compliments me, I’d love for him to send me a nice text or say something sweet but it’s this constant bloody ‘banter’ and it’s wearing me down. He was very remorseful at the weekend and apologised but kept insisting that he’s ‘only joking.’
I kind of feel like I’m going mad here. He’s very good in others ways but my head feels fried...is he just nasty or ignorant? Or have I made a rod for my own back by always being so lighthearted about his ‘jokes’ in the past that I’ve inadvertently given him the green light to take it to the next level? I feel so shit about myself.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/08/2019 20:13

The easy answer is that it stops being banter when it upsets one party, as it has upset you, @CracklinRosie.

You need to tell him that it is no longer ‘just a joke’, and that now he knows how much it is hurting you, he needs to stop, full stop, otherwise he has tipped over into bullying.

{{{hugs}}}

RLEOM · 28/08/2019 20:17

Wow. Just, wow. My self-esteem would've taken a nose dive by now.

Talk to him about it. If it continues, leave.

SophieSong · 28/08/2019 20:19

There are some people who use 'banter' as a way of putting other people down. The time for him to stop was when you first told him it was upsetting you. Instead, he has escalated. What you've written about the phrases he uses to refer to you do not sound like joking at all. It sounds like he is deliberately putting you down and excusing himself with saying it was a joke.

As for being sorry - well how sorry can he be when he continues?

castlecutie · 28/08/2019 20:19

he's made you feel shit about yourself. what a sack of shit he is. it's not banter when he starts bullying you or upsetting you. i'd be getting the hell out of there.

Pinkblueberry · 28/08/2019 20:22

I’m embarrassed to say I just burst into tears and told him I’d had enough of the constant put downs.

Don’t be embarrassed - what he said is really hurtful, I’m not surprised it made you so upset. It’s not ‘banter’ if it’s making you feel like this, to be honest I don’t think it’s ‘banter’ full stop. He is being nasty and it certainly isn’t your fault - he might think he’s ‘just joking’ but quite frankly his ‘jokes’ are shit. I would tell him so.

LaMainDeFatima · 28/08/2019 20:22

He has taken it a step too far but hasn't realised . I don't think his intention is mean : but often bantzzzzz gathers momentum and gets a bit nasty

Just explain that certain words / expressions are over the line

7Worfs · 28/08/2019 20:24

DH and I have the same age gap, and we also tease each other about age, but we simply call each other old or refer to white hairs.

I’ve noticed many men go overboard with banter, so the solution is to point it out every time, make it clear it’s hurtful and unnecessary, and you won’t be talked to that way.

crappyday2018 · 28/08/2019 20:24

This is horrible! My ex was a bit like this, always saying mean things then saying "i'm only joking". Sorry but he knows exactly what he is doing here. He's taken it to the next level and even when others have pulled him up, he has carried on.
If he won't stop doing it, he needs to go.

BoopBoopedooBoo · 28/08/2019 20:30

No different to when people use a 'dry sense of humour' as a pathetic cover for being seriously nasty and abusive to people.

There should be a limit to what things he laughs about in this way. Certain things you can both agree are off limits.

He sounds like he's got something on his mind which he can't say outright. I'd be wanting to know what it was. Is he starting to feel old and wishes he had a younger partner so he can cling to youth for longer?

He sounds like a knob. A dysfunctional knob

CracklinRosieGetOnBoard · 28/08/2019 20:30

Thank you all for the replies Flowers

@SophieSong you are right that I have raised this with him and it has escalated. I’ve told him so many times previously to be a bit more mindful and that he’s gone too far
Since I got tearful at the weekend he’s saying he feels like he’s walking on eggshells as he can’t even ‘makes jokes’ anymore without me being offended. I said jokes are all well and good but not when they’re always at my expense. I don’t think he gets it at all.

I feel very low tbh.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 28/08/2019 20:31

"For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt and other things that I can’t bring myself to say on here."

Just WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????? OMG this is not banter, this is full on verbal abuse. He hates you deep down and is disguising it as a joke.

I can only recommend ditching this disgusting specimen asap.

crappyday2018 · 28/08/2019 20:32

So he;s now turning it round on you! My ex did the same. Classic response. I bet he rarely admits to being wrong generally in life.
If he loved you he would be mortified that he was upsetting you like this and stop doing it. Instead, he's blaming you!! What an arsehole.

1066vegan · 28/08/2019 20:32

I'm sure most of us, as parents, have repeatedly told our dc that a joke is only a joke if everyone finds it funny. A grown man shouldn't have to be told that.

When I read the first part of your op where you described your relationship as being quite jokey, I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and thought that he might just be a bit childish and insensitive and that you would need to explicitly tell him that you found the continual references to your age upsetting.

But I was appalled by the examples that you gave. They are so cruel and spiteful. He must be a complete shit if he thinks that's an acceptable way to talk to anyone let alone the woman he is supposed to love. It's hard to believe what else he could have said rhat is even worse and too upsetting for you to write down.

You deserve so much better than this. Have my first ever ltb.

Gemma1971 · 28/08/2019 20:33

Next time he wants sex, tell him to go find a petite brunette. What a twat!!!

ButterflyBitch · 28/08/2019 20:34

Only joking. Two words that are guaranteed to be untrue and also make the person saying them a complete wanker. There’s 7 years between you. That’s nothing. Tell him it’s not funny any more and if he carries on then you know he doesn’t give a shit.

SophieSong · 28/08/2019 20:35

Now he's turning it back on you? That makes it seem even more likely he is deliberately trying to upset you.

When did it all begin to escalate into being as spiteful as it is now? It wasn't after your child was born, was it?

Really sorry you are going through this. Flowers

PennyGold · 28/08/2019 20:36

Tell him to do one.. ahahah lol "banter"
No, your things are outside.. fuck off.

Hoodiesallsummer · 28/08/2019 20:36

He’s telling you over and over what he thinks of you. It’s not funny, it’s not banter and it’s not a joke.

Gemma1971 · 28/08/2019 20:40

I was spoken to like this by ex abuser. He did it in very "interesting" ways so that he could always either deny he meant it in an abusive way, or that it was only a joke, I was too sensitive etc etc.

If I repeated here the shit he said to me when I finally left him, it would make your hair curl and more. Old bag, grandma, nobody will want your crinkly old neck, your grey hairs.. slut, whore, sick old bitch.

THAT was not only him trying to hurt after I set myself free (and not a day too soon!!!!), I actually think he felt like that about me and about most other women, especially the ones who saw through his shitty jokes. He would call other women sluts for various reasons that he justified in his own screwed up mind.

Please don't let this horrible specimen of a man insult you a day longer. I personally could not move forwards and forgive what was done to me, luckily no children or shared finances, so I could leave him immediately. Really, this man has conditioned you into accepting his abuse. Do you want your child to grow up with this woman-hater in their life? To learn this as their normal?

Your self-esteem must be fried, I know mine was at one point. Get yourself off for a spa day, then have a serious think about the rest of your life!

Lordamighty · 28/08/2019 20:41

He constantly insults you, even to the point of making you cry & now it’s all about his feelings. Him walking on eggshells & not being able to make “jokes”. He is a twat.

Chottie · 28/08/2019 20:45

What a horrible, unkind man.

He knows you find his comments upsetting and still he continues........

Do you really want your child to hear and parrot his comments?!?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 28/08/2019 20:46

He's absolutely disgusting. That's not banter it's him being a prick

MsDogLady · 28/08/2019 20:46

He is an emotional abuser who enjoys diminishing you. Why would you stay with such a despicable man?

How would you feel if your daughter was treated this way? Surely this is not the relationship model that you want her to emulate?

LittleMy20 · 28/08/2019 20:46

I bet you’re really attractive and he’s insecure and wants you to
Lose your confidence.

CracklinRosieGetOnBoard · 28/08/2019 20:52

I have actually wondered if he wants me to end it as he hasn’t got the balls to do it himself and that way he won’t look like the bad guy for walking out on his partner and child. His refusal to stop the comments suggests he doesn’t give a shit and he knows he’s pushing me away.
Very good points have been made about my Dd growing up in this environment. Although he doesn’t say these things around her (it’s either on text or when she’s in bed) i absolutely do not want to raise her around a man who thinks this is an acceptable way to speak to women. He’s had so many chances to change and it’s clear he won’t.

That’s a good question @SophieSong He was ok for the first 6 months or so after she was born, then he started to up the ante so to speak.

This thread is really helping, thank you.

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