when is it not ‘banter’ anymore

[CracklinRosieGetOnBoard]

Bit of background...been with DP nearly 5 years, he is 36 and I am 43 so a bit of an age gap (this is relevant). We have a 2yo DD.
We’ve always been quite jokey with each other and have a similar sense of humour. There’s always been ‘banter’ (hate that word tbh) always instigated by him about the fact I’m older than him and I’ve given as good as I’ve got back. Ironically people always think I’m younger than him so the fact he takes the piss out of the age difference has never bothered me too much in the past.
However., he is becoming increasingly spiteful but under the guise of joking.
For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt and other things that I can’t bring myself to say on here. He’s been pulled up before by one of his relatives at a family party who heard him refer to me as ‘old woman.’ She told him it wasn’t nice but he brushed it off as her not understanding his sense of humour.
It came to a head at the weekend when he made a comment about how he’s always had a thing for women who are brunette and petite but he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.’ I’m embarrassed to say I just burst into tears and told him I’d had enough of the constant put downs. I asked him why he can’t just be nice for once. He never compliments me, I’d love for him to send me a nice text or say something sweet but it’s this constant bloody ‘banter’ and it’s wearing me down. He was very remorseful at the weekend and apologised but kept insisting that he’s ‘only joking.’
I kind of feel like I’m going mad here. He’s very good in others ways but my head feels fried...is he just nasty or ignorant? Or have I made a rod for my own back by always being so lighthearted about his ‘jokes’ in the past that I’ve inadvertently given him the green light to take it to the next level? I feel so shit about myself.

Nobody on here thinks this is okay.

He knows the things he's saying are nasty and not really jokes. He should have no difficulty in cutting them out since you've told him it's upsetting.

If he won't do that he's not a partner to you at all, and it's likely to get worse.

This is not banter

This is emotional and verbal abuse

This man is a bully and you are empowering and enabling him by sticking around so that he can continue to bully you

Your poor child who will know something is wrong I feel absolutely sure

Get your finances sorted, kick him out and block him. Stop empowering his cruelty

Reminds me of male friends I've had in the past who enjoyed banter at other people's expense.

Note 'in the past'. Now I'm more confident I wouldn't put up with the crap I got from them.

I was horrified to read the insults that you've heard off your partner, just so awful. How dare he.
I'm not surprised you feel low. But you need to find the confidence to make a plan of what to do next. Personally I would be planning to leave!! Life is too short to be stuck with an arsehole like that.

It’s never fucking banter. Banter is the word used by nasty abusive twats to be, well, nasty and abusive. They don’t have the balls to own it though hence ‘it’s just banter innit?’ when called out on it.

This isn’t banter

And you say you aren’t telling us the worst of the comments

Sorry but I think it’s a LTB.

Tangent: what is his manner like with his daughter? I mean, she’s only two but I’m interested.

I'd guess that very soon he'd be saying things about you to your DD, trying to get her in on the 'joke'.

And/or casually insulting her as part of his normal chat with her.

If he won't sort out his attitude to you, it's very worrying.

Wow.

That's not banter. That's not a joke.

I ask because I wonder if he’s the type who would feet tickle or roughhouse beyond the point of “stop” but that’s me just being armchair Freud trying to prove he’s a jealous, resentful man.

My DP is younger than me, we joke about it. But things like "oh, well you know I like an older woman" and Mrs Robinson references (the age gap isn't huge). What your OH says is really vile. And it's not a joke if people aren't laughing.

Saggy old tits and old cunt?? I’d never go near him again.

My h is 10 years older than I am. I have never referenced his age when talking about his body. Nor has he mentioned my weight gain.

How fucking rude and hurtful is your h? Bullies use the term ‘banter’ when the butt of their jokes doesn’t like them. Banter is not banter if both people are not laughing.

Your h sounds really nasty. As if he doesn’t like you much, or has a real issue with you being older. I’m sorry.

The things he says are sickening, and you're not telling us the worst.

Just no OP, no, no, no.

It's not banter when one person ends in tears.

It's not a hoke if he's the only one laughing.

It's definitely not a joke when you said it upsets but not only did he not stop ,but he's escalating.

So you ever "banter" back at him? I bet he'd go ballistic if you made fun of his small dick,receding hairline and hairy arse.

He's chipping away at your self esteem one comment at a time until you will be a shell of yourself. And tbh,the weaker you get the worse he'll get.

I had this. More eloquently phrased I suppose but it was criticism and abuse with a smile. And met with outrage if I cried.

I have an intense dislike for banter of this type.

YOU know it isn't right. HE knows it isn't right.

YOU care. HE does not.

I'm so very sorry You deserve better.

What an arsehole. I'm sorry I don't have anything more eloquent to say or any advice. But he's a massive arsehole.

Op. That is not normal interaction. It's spiteful and nasty and I'd be in tears if that was the constant level of communication too. What a shorty way to talk to someone you're supposed to love

In several primary schools I have worked in even the WORD ‘banter’ is not allowed. It is an excuse for bullying, put downs and nastiness.

We used to say to our own DC ‘play fighting is still fighting’ because it escalates like this.

A JOKE is when EVERYONE thinks it is funny

My darling, the only ‘saggy old tit’ in this relationship is the one you’re married to. Everyone has said the same thing here: this is abuse not ‘banter’ (whatever the fuck that is). I was in a relationship for ten years with someone who played the ‘only joking’ card when he wanted to put me down. I wish I had had the courage to end it way sooner than that. This man is not clever, not funny and not worthy of you, OP.

He wouldn't much like it if you referred to him as 'Slaphead', 'Needle-dick' or 'Flopsy' would he? Even though it's only banter.

I used to work with a guy that constantly berated me and put me down like this in front of other people, it had me close to tears sometimes and some of the things he said still grate on me now and it's years and years ago! He used to say it was just banter, I have no idea why he chose me as his main target though, he was quite sensitive on his own! I think your dp sounds like he's either an outright twat or possibly just totally insensitive. Only you can work out which.

He's absolutely vile. I would start texting him 'good morning small dick/baldy bastard/dadbob/ir whatever you think he'd feel conscious about.

He’s very good with DD so I can’t knock him in that respect.

Im going to bed shortly but I just wanted to say thanks again for everyone’s input, this thread has given me the kick up the arse I needed to see exactly what’s been going on here.
I could do with some advice with regard to the practicalities of me leaving him but I’ll come back tomorrow as my head is frazzled right now
Thank u again

I think this is his style and initially you probably thought it was ‘affectionate joking’ and didn’t knock it on the head and he hasn’t quite understood that it’s just not funny and makes you feel crap. I wouldn’t find it amusing either

He's absolutely vile. I would start texting him 'good morning small dick/baldy bastard/dadbob/ir whatever you think he'd feel conscious about.

I agree he's vile but I wouldn't text name calling.

Me? I would get everything sorted financially and accommodation wise. Without him knowing. I wouldn't let him know what I was doing and then, once I was sorted, I'd fucking crucify the wankstain and kick him out (and block him) - use a burner phone or generic email address for contact

I would do what I do with my six and seven year olds who think it's funny to swear. I would tell him that you have kept all the messages he sends and you are sending them to his mum. Is it still just banter! If he wouldn't say it to his mum why is it ok to say it to you? Works on the children I teach but then sorry to say they sound a bit more mature!

When he texts his “banter” this morning choose something he feels sensitive about and reply with that.

Eg. Morning tiny dick, baldy, ugly, goofy, sweaty etc and fixate on the thing that hurts him the most.

May as well make him feel like shit too until you kick him out.