when is it not ‘banter’ anymore

[CracklinRosieGetOnBoard]

Bit of background...been with DP nearly 5 years, he is 36 and I am 43 so a bit of an age gap (this is relevant). We have a 2yo DD.
We’ve always been quite jokey with each other and have a similar sense of humour. There’s always been ‘banter’ (hate that word tbh) always instigated by him about the fact I’m older than him and I’ve given as good as I’ve got back. Ironically people always think I’m younger than him so the fact he takes the piss out of the age difference has never bothered me too much in the past.
However., he is becoming increasingly spiteful but under the guise of joking.
For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt and other things that I can’t bring myself to say on here. He’s been pulled up before by one of his relatives at a family party who heard him refer to me as ‘old woman.’ She told him it wasn’t nice but he brushed it off as her not understanding his sense of humour.
It came to a head at the weekend when he made a comment about how he’s always had a thing for women who are brunette and petite but he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.’ I’m embarrassed to say I just burst into tears and told him I’d had enough of the constant put downs. I asked him why he can’t just be nice for once. He never compliments me, I’d love for him to send me a nice text or say something sweet but it’s this constant bloody ‘banter’ and it’s wearing me down. He was very remorseful at the weekend and apologised but kept insisting that he’s ‘only joking.’
I kind of feel like I’m going mad here. He’s very good in others ways but my head feels fried...is he just nasty or ignorant? Or have I made a rod for my own back by always being so lighthearted about his ‘jokes’ in the past that I’ve inadvertently given him the green light to take it to the next level? I feel so shit about myself.

This is not 'banter'. His comments are spiteful and nasty. And as for him saying afterwards that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells and isn't even allowed to tell a joke... well, he's doing a real number on you. I think the word 'gaslighting' does get overused a bit but it's entirely appropriate here. I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation. I can't really envisage his behaviour improving: this kind of contempt is hard to come back from. When there's no kindness in a relationship, you need to go.

It's only a joke when you're both laughing, when his "jokes" reduce you to tears it's not funny at all.
I think your partner is an abusive arsehole and incredibly cruel.
You've told him and have visibly shown how much this upsets you and still he carries on. In your shoes I'd be thinking very seriously about whether I wanted to continue this relationship.
He's insensitive, thoughtless, cruel and still he tries to pass it off as joking. Now he's trying to turn this situation back onto you with the comment about walking on eggshells.
He's an abusive man.

He TEXTS these comments to you?! What kind of cruelty is that? Keep those texts as proof of his abuse should ~when~ you need it.

He feels he's walking on egg shells? So he can't function if he's not insulting you? Seriously? Tell him a joke is supposed to be funny, not upsetting.

Maybe he's not getting enough attention now you have a child together. Maybe he just doesn't fancy you anymore. Maybe he's just a complete twat. Who cares what his reasons are for doing it. Please leave this man before he reduces your self-worth to zero.

'Only joking' is a euphemistic excuse for his vile verbal abuse.

These are NOT jokes. They are messages of hate designed to control you.

At 43 you are a young person with so much life to look forward to. Please do not let this controlling bully rob you of the enjoyment of it by stamping on your self esteem and confidence until it's through the floor.
Once you told him to stop he should have done it immediately, no excuses.

Act now. Plan a new life - without him......and live it your way, with your darling DD, good friends and family......and feel yourself emerge stronger and happier.

@justforthisnow yes I get daily texts, usually things like “morning you old cunt ” when he gets to work. If I don’t reply straight away he’ll send something like “that was a JOKE for fuck sake” I’ve kept them all.

I really am taking everything on board here and this may sound strange but I honestly didn’t expect the reaction to be like this. I guess being told I’m over sensitive, over reacting, lost my sense of humour etc so often led me to minimise and doubt myself.

I need to leave, this thread has left me in no doubt about that.

he sounds ..... adorable

OP I am sure you would much rather receive a text saying "morning georgous" or similar. THAT is what you are worth. Not this.

You deserve respect and nurturing, as the mother of his child and as his partner, but mainly as a human. He sounds vile and I cannot bear anyone calling females "cunts" much less their partners. Time to line up the 🦆.

There's no point in debating whether he wants you to break up with him or not. It's all irrelevant in the face of how he speaks to/texts you.

Just do it.

A different take. I have an older male friend (who is lovely btw) in his late 50s who has dated women in their early to mid to late 40s. He mentioned once that things went wrong with those relationships as he felt that his partners felt that they were "losing their looks" at that age. He loved them and didn't care. But they felt invisible and struggled with it. Which caused the relationship to die as they felt awful about themselves. Both relationships he gave them the house he'd bought for them. No mortgage. And in both situations neither of them came to the partnership without any money.
This is not the situation with you, I know. But.. it's get to a point I think when men start to look down on their older female partners for ageing. And it's horrible.

What a vile man.

What I'm trying to say is that your partner is being a complete arse. He needs to man up, stop being a twunt.

And if you said in company that you'd always fancied black men and wanted one with a big dick, but had ended up with a little dicked white bloke (presuming he's white) ... That would be banter too, wouldn't it.

And no doubt he'd find it hilariously funny.

Woah. If you leave make sure you don’t accept another man saying this stuff to you. It’s not banter it’s abuse.

if you were both children he would be called a bully.

he is bullying you. You're the upset one and he somehow still makes it about himself. he is cruel and selfish. You deserve to be treated with respect

He sounds dreadful, that's no way to address the mother of your child.

Only joking my arse, that's abuse plain and simple.
Kick him out and if you can make him think it's just a joke, all to the good.
To call you an old cunt is just appalling.

It stops being banter when it hurts your feelings. Sounds like he crossed that line a long time ago.

I mean, seriously...since when does calling the mother of your child an 'old cunt' count as banter? I'll tell you when....NEVER.
Disgusting behaviour. I'd have given him his marching orders long ago. And that's from someone married to DH who is nearly 20 years older.

This 'banter' is just cruel insults hurled under the cloak of deniability - Gosh is was only a joke! - and now the poor chap has to tiptoe on eggshells. This guy is being mean and cowardly, because he can't even own up to being mean and really, just fuck the eggshells. Sort him out or kick him out. You can't live your life with a partner behaving like that beside you. A true partner should have your back, not be revelling in gaslighting you.

My best guess is that he a. Enjoys putting women down/enjoys putting you down or b. (i'm sorry to say this) you're right - he wants out, hd thinks he could do better etc.

No doubt that is tempered by caution about actually doing better if single, a bird in the hand being worth two in a bush, having a family with you etc etc - bug he still can't help himself express his feelings/dissatisfaction.

Of course it's just a theory and I can't know for sure - only he knows (if he's self aware & honest with himself).

I fucking hate the word banter.
It's a word used when someone puts you down and then blames your lack of sense of humour.

I'm so glad you are seeing this for what it is now.
It's meant to hurt you.
It's meant to knock you down
It's meant to make you feel like shit.

Get rid. You and your DD deserve far better.

I’d bet a million pounds the reason he’s upped the ante is he resents your attention now no longer being 100% on him as you’ve had a kid together, albeit one who is 2yo.

Tangent: what is his manner like with his daughter? I mean, she’s only two but I’m interested.

@CracklinRosieGetOnBoard
It seems as though it was a shock to you when you realised that many people think his behaviour is abusive. He's really done a number on you. I'll bet you've been told you're too sensitive, you're overreacting, you're taking things too much to heart.
ITS NOT YOU ITS HIM.
Sorry for shouting but when you are in an abusive relationship it's very difficult to see how bad things are.
This is very bad, he is a nasty man, very cruel and abusive.
I hope you find the courage to leave this person as soon as you are able to.

It's only "banter" if it's two ways though isn't it. This is just him slagging you off to your face, sometimes in front of other people. It's not jokey or funny, just horrible. He's horrible. Imagine hypothetically if this was your daughter and some bloke was calling her an "ugly cunt" as a joke. What would you want her to do?