when is it not ‘banter’ anymore

[CracklinRosieGetOnBoard]

Bit of background...been with DP nearly 5 years, he is 36 and I am 43 so a bit of an age gap (this is relevant). We have a 2yo DD.
We’ve always been quite jokey with each other and have a similar sense of humour. There’s always been ‘banter’ (hate that word tbh) always instigated by him about the fact I’m older than him and I’ve given as good as I’ve got back. Ironically people always think I’m younger than him so the fact he takes the piss out of the age difference has never bothered me too much in the past.
However., he is becoming increasingly spiteful but under the guise of joking.
For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt and other things that I can’t bring myself to say on here. He’s been pulled up before by one of his relatives at a family party who heard him refer to me as ‘old woman.’ She told him it wasn’t nice but he brushed it off as her not understanding his sense of humour.
It came to a head at the weekend when he made a comment about how he’s always had a thing for women who are brunette and petite but he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.’ I’m embarrassed to say I just burst into tears and told him I’d had enough of the constant put downs. I asked him why he can’t just be nice for once. He never compliments me, I’d love for him to send me a nice text or say something sweet but it’s this constant bloody ‘banter’ and it’s wearing me down. He was very remorseful at the weekend and apologised but kept insisting that he’s ‘only joking.’
I kind of feel like I’m going mad here. He’s very good in others ways but my head feels fried...is he just nasty or ignorant? Or have I made a rod for my own back by always being so lighthearted about his ‘jokes’ in the past that I’ve inadvertently given him the green light to take it to the next level? I feel so shit about myself.

Oh hun, you need to start realising how amazing you are, and how worthless your partner is. Verbal or emotional abuse is never, EVER acceptable. You deserve 10 times better than this, so you need to put a very simple ultimatum to him - either he never taunts you about your age / appearance again, or it's over. Better to be alone and happy than partnered and put down, with zero self esteem. Be strong hun, and assert yourselfXxx

Wow, well done OP. How did he take it?

Just wanted to add that you need to check out Macron's reaction to that arse Bolsonaro insulting his wife's appearance. (There's what, a 25, 30 year gap between Emmanuel and Brigitte?) That's what you deserve from your OH, not 'jokey' insults.

^ Very true, Chopin, good reminder re. Macron.

Op you are bloody awesome.
Not way have you gone about this the wrong way, you are taking your life into your own hands. You are shielding your dd from growing up thinking love=abuse, and you are letting her see you choose happiness, which is called being an excellent role model.
Go for it op, you can move mountains!

Christ OP, good on you, taking back you self respect and dignity for yours and your DD's sakes. well done lady

Well done you! You've definitely done the right thing

Good for you OP - that's the best decision you could have made.

For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt

I agree 100% with previous posters. This in no way can be excused as banter that has got ramped up and out of control. It's not banter in any way. Calling anyone " a cunt" is inexcusable; it's verbal abuse. Add to that all the rest of it and you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Him saying he's walking on eggshells is projecting on to you how you probably feel about him.

I can't bear it when people excuse insults with "it's just a joke". There is nothing funny about an insult. Ever. It is not banter.

You superstar! I'll bet the apologies come in thick and fast though. Don't listen to his bullshit.

There's a similar age gap with me and my husband (I'm older) and he never says this stuff to me! Well OK, we do both sometimes joke about how I was a cradle snatcher (I wasn't!) but there is never anything nasty about it. If ever he does mention my looks it's to say how nice I look or how no one would ever believe I'm older than him. I'd find it very hurtful if he spoke to me like your partner does.

@SallyWD RTFT - it's moved on

You have all been so kind and supportive Thank you so much.

I’m ok, exhausted but ultimately know I have done the right thing for me and Dd. Ex is behaving like an arse and is blaming me for everything - I have no sense of humour, I’m unstable, I’ve been bullying HIM over the years, I’m a nasty piece of work. He’s told me no other man will want a ‘washed up single mother’. Most of this is on text. Im kind of glad that he is being so nasty instead of him begging, promising to change etc as it just proves how right I am to leave him and there’s no way I’ll be swayed to go back to him.

I’ve told him I’m only going to engage from now on about DD and practicalities about the house etc.

Oh God, the "no other man will want you" spiel. Howwwwwwwwwwwww many times did I hear that. It's to get you right back exactly where he wants you: feeling like shit about yourself.

He's angry because now he's actually finally been seen for what he is. A verbally abusive twat. You soooooooooooooooooooo did the right thing. Screw him and whatever he says now, focus on you and your daughter and on getting this fool out of your life.

Well done to you OP. You deserve so, so much more than him

His reaction basically confirms exactly what he is. The level of venom in it practically screams NPD or similar.

So glad you've taken these steps towards freedom for you and your daughter.

How typical that he has a mother condoning his actions and asking you to continue to tow the line. What are the bets she's cut from the same cloth. Either that or she doesn't want him back staying with her again xD

Oh I'm SO glad you've left him. What a complete bastard he is. He's so misogynistic, isn't he? Every insult was about you as a woman.

Stay strong now. He'll cry and threaten all sorts. Take absolutely no notice of him.

The irony is that he’s chosen to be with you. So by slagging you off he looks the fool. This must be grim

Oops. Rtft

Keep screen grabs of his messages. I'm sure he'll paint quite a picture to people when he's telling them about the break up and you should have evidence to contradict his version of events should you need it.

Really glad you have decided enough is enough!! The vile texts he is now sending do well to illustrate his abusive language was never a joke.

If he had any kind of heart he would be horrified that his alleged 'banter' had led to you feeling you could not be with him anymore. But the way he is reacting show that all along he has held these disgusting views on you.

Which, by the way, are not at all true! Washed up single mum my arse, FFS. You come across as a lovely person and there's so much ahead for you and your gorgeous daughter! Including, at some point, I'm sure, a healthy relationship with someone who deserves you (if you should ever want one.)

I have no sense of humour, I’m unstable, I’ve been bullying HIM over the years, I’m a nasty piece of work. He’s told me no other man will want a ‘washed up single mother’.

You know this is classic abusive tactic right?

It means "I am desperate to make you feel so completely shit about yourself that you are so gripped by a fear that no one else will want you so you don't leave me".

None of this rubbish he is saying is true and I hope you really really know that.

Please stay strong and don't listen this utter bullshit.

Watch out for a change of tactic though - the I'm so sorry love bomb.

The accusations are pretty much par for the course. Don't get too drawn into the blame game if you can help it. It's tempting to want to correct what he's saying about you, but other people do already know you, and those who don't, don't matter that much. You can't control what people think about you, and concentrating on that can make you feel worse.

He sounds like a nasty abusive misogynistic piece of s**t. Good riddance. He sounds like a narcassitic, like others have mentioned. He might start putting your dd down with nasty little digs when she is older.

I had EXACTLY the same response when I ended my marriage! You're well rid, as am I.

I wish you lots of strength xx

Please OP, keep everyone of those texts, print them out and send a copy to his mother to let her know exactly what you have been putting up with from that dreadful man.

No man or woman with a shred of decency could be anything other than appalled by what he has text and said to you.

Can you imagine what he'll be saying to your DD in a few years when she is a teenager.

He hates woman. He couldn't possibly love women and speak to him like that.

He is truly foul mouthed. So glad you have left him.

Most women would be devastated to hear one of those remarks not to mind the daily abuse you put up with.

You both have a much better future ahead of you.