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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

when is it not ‘banter’ anymore

185 replies

CracklinRosieGetOnBoard · 28/08/2019 20:11

Bit of background...been with DP nearly 5 years, he is 36 and I am 43 so a bit of an age gap (this is relevant). We have a 2yo DD.
We’ve always been quite jokey with each other and have a similar sense of humour. There’s always been ‘banter’ (hate that word tbh) always instigated by him about the fact I’m older than him and I’ve given as good as I’ve got back. Ironically people always think I’m younger than him so the fact he takes the piss out of the age difference has never bothered me too much in the past.
However., he is becoming increasingly spiteful but under the guise of joking.
For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt and other things that I can’t bring myself to say on here. He’s been pulled up before by one of his relatives at a family party who heard him refer to me as ‘old woman.’ She told him it wasn’t nice but he brushed it off as her not understanding his sense of humour.
It came to a head at the weekend when he made a comment about how he’s always had a thing for women who are brunette and petite but he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.’ I’m embarrassed to say I just burst into tears and told him I’d had enough of the constant put downs. I asked him why he can’t just be nice for once. He never compliments me, I’d love for him to send me a nice text or say something sweet but it’s this constant bloody ‘banter’ and it’s wearing me down. He was very remorseful at the weekend and apologised but kept insisting that he’s ‘only joking.’
I kind of feel like I’m going mad here. He’s very good in others ways but my head feels fried...is he just nasty or ignorant? Or have I made a rod for my own back by always being so lighthearted about his ‘jokes’ in the past that I’ve inadvertently given him the green light to take it to the next level? I feel so shit about myself.

OP posts:
TeaForDad · 29/08/2019 19:44

I very occasionally overstep with a tease of DW, if she says that's not funny/ made her feel bad I apologise and mean it.

This isn't banter he's treated you like shit, well done for getting your daughter out of it.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 29/08/2019 19:49

Two words now:

Grey. Rock.

GatoFofo · 29/08/2019 19:51

Just read your posts with my mouth open. What a vile, insecure, abusive man.

Congratulations on making this the start of an infinitely better life for you and your daughter.
If you ever waver, consider what others have said; one day he would have turned his misogynistic abuse on your DD, and you leaving him has protected her from that. You are a fantastic parent!

crappyday2018 · 29/08/2019 20:59

Make sure you keep all the texts OP. My advice now is to NOT reply to anything at all, unless it is a direct question about your DD.
I actually had to have therapy after I split with my DC's dad. He was nasty for over a year. She taught me some great techniques but the main thing was to just not respond at all. Don't let him get under your skin. That is what he wants, he want to engage you in an argument.
Stay strong.

RandomMess · 29/08/2019 21:05

Google "grey rock" it will get you through this next while. Thanks

C0untDucku1a · 29/08/2019 21:18

As everyone suspected, he is vile and abusive and was hiding behind the word banter. Dont respond. Keep all the texts. Screen grab the comments. Email them to his mum. Stay strong. Youre doing so well.

rosabug · 29/08/2019 22:16

Wishing you strength and resilience. As a good friend said to me when my marriage tanked: Courage, my friend - courage.

Mxyzptlk · 29/08/2019 22:25

Well done, CracklinRosie.
You're protecting your DD, as well as yourself.
You're right not to engage in discussion with him or his mother. You've told them all they need to know.
Stay strong.

leomama81 · 29/08/2019 22:34

Well done OP. I have just read your thread from start to finish and I was absolutely horrified and sickened by what he has said to you, and I have so much admiration for your strength in walking away.

You have absolutely done the right thing by your DD. She would have heard and witnessed things eventually (I used to come down and sit on the stairs and listen to my dad shouting at my mum, she didn't realise till I told her as an adult). As a teenager I began emulating him and talking badly to her too and as an adult I have ended up in relationships with men who have done the same to me (though I won't ever be again). He was not as bad as this sounds, yet I still often wish she had walked away, for her sake and ours.

You sound fantastic and I'm sure you have an amazing future ahead of you without this utter bastard dragging you down.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 29/08/2019 22:53

I'm so glad you've left him OP, this man is a textbook abusive man and I agree with hellsbells about him being a narcissist. Unfortunately, men like this are unable to change and unable to feel empathy, its completely not there!

My abusive exH used to say word for word what your ex is saying to you. They do it to systematically destroy your self esteem so you are easier to control. If he becomes more aggressive or violent now you have ended the relationship (this is often the most dangerous time when leaving an abusive man) then do not hesitate to call 999. I know this has been your 'normality' for several years but you have no idea what this man is capable of. When they don't get their way, they can often turn violent.

I'd really suggest reading Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that' and enrolling in the freedom programme.

Also, check out narcsite.com

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 29/08/2019 23:08

^Our ability to deploy contrariwise must rank amongst one of the most confusing, infuriating and draining manipulative techniques that we possess. Well, judging by your reactions when we wheel this out it is. In all honesty, it is used so often it may as well be a default setting. No matter what you say to us we will automatically adopt a contrary position even if that contrary position appears to you as untenable and that it flies in the face of logic. We will always find ways of undermining, denying and deflecting what you are saying to us, most particularly if you are trying to make us look bad, prove we are wrong or you are challenging us in some way. We cannot allow those things to happen. We have a number of standard phrases that we will use in furtherance of this ability.

“Why must you always exaggerate?”

“No, I have never done that.”

“You are over-reacting. Again.”

“I think you will find that you are being sensitive, I did not mean it the way you are interpreting it.”

“You always look at it the wrong way.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Your memory is playing tricks on you.”

“You/he/she/the world is making things up.”

“If you say so but you have got it wrong.”

“I never do that.”

“You always have to make a scene don’t you?”

Do any of these sound familiar to you?^

This is gaslighting

user1479305498 · 30/08/2019 00:29

The best response to ‘no one will ever want you’ is ‘to be frank given how you have made me feel, I’m really not that bothered about that at the moment’

PonderingPanda · 30/08/2019 08:02

@Nothavingfunrightnow - so did mine... except for the "no one will want you"... because he knew that quite frankly l didn't care! I WANT to be alone. I want to rediscover who l am again and do what l want to do without having to consider anyone other then my children.

Freedom!!

75Renarde · 30/08/2019 08:43

OP I'm so sorry that you've experienced domestic abuse. What's really important right now is that you keep you and your DD safe.

Northernsoullover · 30/08/2019 08:48

This washed up single mother certainly had a lot of fun after being told the same thing by my ex Wink I know that would be the last thing on your mind but its complete bollocks.
I think at the time I told him I didn't give a shit if I was single for the rest of my life. I meant it too.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 30/08/2019 09:08

Gosh, just found and read this thread.

I'm so glad you ate so very strong OP. Massive well done for leaving the bastard who hates women. I'm shocked at how much of a wanker he was (still is) towards you, in the name of "banter" and "jokes". How much he was trying to condition you to accept it. And you still saw then it and got out! Go you! Flowers

Carry on leaning on us for support. I fear he'll change tactics a good few times in the upcoming time.

FlamingoFlamenco · 30/08/2019 10:04

((((Big hugs))))) for you my lovely, you have done a huge, and possibly the hardest thing ever - you opened the door to the rest of your life.

Take your DD, walk through it, don't look back (though you'll hear us all cheering you on) and keep going forward.

I am very, very glad for you Flowers

NewMe2019 · 30/08/2019 10:11

Well done OP. You are well rid of this nasty piece of shit.

I'm a 'washed up single mum' (not that I've ever been called that) and found someone very quickly. My best friend is also a 'washed up single mum' and has so many offers and attention when she joined dating sites. You'll find someone who's worthy of you now you've ditched this waste of space.

Branleuse · 30/08/2019 10:41

OP you are doing the right thing. He treats you with contempt. Its disgusting. Thats not banter or lighthearted. Thats what he thinks. How fucking dare he speak to you like that

Deathraystare · 30/08/2019 10:47

now it’s all about his feelings. Him walking on eggshells & not being able to make “jokes”

Awww the poor booboo! Such a shame you are not a kind loving partner like he is (cough cough!)

Gemma1971 · 30/08/2019 11:39

My ex abuser, after being called out on his crap, said "I'm SCARED to even speak now!!!"

It's so manipulative, wearing you down and making you wrong for having a NORMAL human reaction to verbal abuse. THEY are the perpetrator, but they have to paint themselves as the victim and do the old role reversal. Very sick and it worked on me for too long. Thank f* I am free from it now. He had me hating everything about myself.

Well done OP!!!!

aweedropofsancerre · 30/08/2019 20:51

Hope your ok Op?

VixenSixen · 31/08/2019 07:43

Firstly, you have amazing strength and determination for leaving this useless waste of a space of a man...
It's always so difficult to leave but once you do you will never EVER look back. These are the first days of the rest of your life......

Secondly, I've experienced every single one of those comments jaffacakesaremyfave posted...... Actually makes my blood run cold when I think about it.......

I am 2yrs our of that relationship - "washed up single mum" here too. And I have had the time of my LIFE the last 18months..... So much so I actually love being single, any man who comes into my life is going to have to be really really special.

You've got this.... Don't stop being amazing, you will never look back!

🌈😻

TheCatInAHat · 31/08/2019 07:51

You sound ace op. All the very best for your fresh start Gin

Weenurse · 31/08/2019 09:19

Well done 💐