when is it not ‘banter’ anymore

[CracklinRosieGetOnBoard]

Bit of background...been with DP nearly 5 years, he is 36 and I am 43 so a bit of an age gap (this is relevant). We have a 2yo DD.
We’ve always been quite jokey with each other and have a similar sense of humour. There’s always been ‘banter’ (hate that word tbh) always instigated by him about the fact I’m older than him and I’ve given as good as I’ve got back. Ironically people always think I’m younger than him so the fact he takes the piss out of the age difference has never bothered me too much in the past.
However., he is becoming increasingly spiteful but under the guise of joking.
For example, he’s started making reference to my ‘saggy old tits,’ ‘old woman’s body,’ calls me an ‘old cnt and other things that I can’t bring myself to say on here. He’s been pulled up before by one of his relatives at a family party who heard him refer to me as ‘old woman.’ She told him it wasn’t nice but he brushed it off as her not understanding his sense of humour.
It came to a head at the weekend when he made a comment about how he’s always had a thing for women who are brunette and petite but he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.’ I’m embarrassed to say I just burst into tears and told him I’d had enough of the constant put downs. I asked him why he can’t just be nice for once. He never compliments me, I’d love for him to send me a nice text or say something sweet but it’s this constant bloody ‘banter’ and it’s wearing me down. He was very remorseful at the weekend and apologised but kept insisting that he’s ‘only joking.’
I kind of feel like I’m going mad here. He’s very good in others ways but my head feels fried...is he just nasty or ignorant? Or have I made a rod for my own back by always being so lighthearted about his ‘jokes’ in the past that I’ve inadvertently given him the green light to take it to the next level? I feel so shit about myself.

Banter within the home is one thing.
In public a NONO.
He sounds like a twat and bully.
And good for the relative that said something.
Strange he didnt comment.BULLY. Get rid its not good for your dd to grow up with this attitude towards you.

he’s always had a thing for women who are brunette and petite but he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.

"And I always had a thing for men who were strong,masculine and respectful, but I somehow ended up with an immature slimey little prick" would have been my response. Play him at his own game and when he gets all sulky tell him it was only "banter"and can't he take a joke. Or better still tell him to piss off.

OP, in your place i’d really start thinking about planning your life on your own.
I don’t think your relationship will survive in the longer term. If he is complaining about your looks now - just imagine when you are 50 and menopausal, and he is in early 40s...

I think this is partially what is happening to him.
I don’t know when you got together as how he used to be. But it almost seems like he used to be a little less confident of himself and the attention of an older, more experienced woman was a bonus that brushed his ego.
And now he came into more confidence. And - possibly - had attention of younger women as a result of his confidence. So he may be regretting his choices and not having freedom to act on the opportunities at hand.

It maybe is total nonsense and not what is happening.
But what is clear is that the age difference IS bothering him and it’s coming through. And it’s not going to get better, unfortunately.
Sorry

he’s ‘somehow ended up with blonde and old.’
You've got rude and nasty. I think he has the better end of the deal.
Good luck, hope you can put this shite behind you and get your confidence back.

Me and dh dont have an age gap but we joke about age a lot even though we are only 39.My back hurts sometimes so if ask him to help me up he'll do it saying "come on old lass" or if he finds a new grey hair I'll call him an old sod.We are both in on it though and its playful with no malice involved.He needs to shape up or ship out imo OP.

Agree with PaulHollywood using the C* word like that - its loaded with hatred and violence.

But ravenmum and damnthat - brilliant retorts I must say !

But seriously OP, there's nothing to add. He sounds awful. The whole old lady thing is a red herring anyway. 43 and 36 is nothing. Its not like there's a 30 year age gap the way he's going on, its deliberately to undermine you I'm sure.

He won't change and it's clear he intends to make things worse for you by saying you can't take a joke. It's awful, cruel, nasty behaviour abd is most certainly NOT banter in the true sense.

My ex would say similar things to me and I'd almost pride myself on us not having a soppy, romantic relationship. Then after the abuse escalated, the penny dropped. He didn't like me and was showing his true colours.

Get rid of him. He's a nasty, ugly man.

Had a meltdown earlier when telling my mum, it was like the floodgates had opened after keeping all of this in for so long. She had no idea it was this bad.
I’ve told dp i don’t want to be with him anymore. I was going to wait until he’d finished work but after reading this thread I just thought fuck him. Just had his mum on the phone begging me to reconsider for ‘the sake of Dd’. I told her she doesn’t know the half of what’s been going on and I’ve made my mind up.
I’ve probably gone about this the wrong way and been a bit knee jerk in how I’ve handled things but some of the responses on here have made me realise I can’t waste a minute more with a man who basically hates me.

I'd say for the sake of your Daughter, you're doing the right thing in leaving him. After all, would his Mother think it would be acceptable if her Grandaughter was in a relationship where her partner called her 'Saggy tits' and 'Old cunt?' would she be OK with that?

I think the fact you're not going to be exposing her to this vile bullying is a really positive thing, it's also demonstrating to him that actually, just because he says 'it's a joke', it's not.

Playful teasing is one thing, banter is almost always unkind. He's an angry man and you are getting the rough end of it. Don't retaliate, tell him once that you won't tolerate it and you're not joking. You probably need to split up, tell him if he can't be pleasant he can go.

Forward his dm some of his lovely texts & ask her if she would like to be called an old c*nt on a daily basis.

Xposted. Good for you op.

btw, if it feels right, and since the DGM has interjected herself, tell her its been vicious verbal abuse and you can't take it anymore. Just so she knows. Otherwise her DS might well do the "whitewash" thing he did re. work - its everybody else's fault.

P.S. You sound lovely OP, intelligent and strong, its very upsetting and sad to read the way you have been insulted and ridiculed. Strength and .

Well done OP. Sometimes you just need the validation of other to realise you are NOT over-reacting. You've clearly not been telling people in real life about the way he speaks to you so sometimes you think your judgement becomes clouded.
Don't be guilt tripped by anyone. How would you feel if you found out your daughter was being spoken to like that?
I'm sure he won't let go easily and will try to convince you he will change but I genuinely doubt he will. At the end of the day, if he does love you he wouldn't be doing this in the first place.

I would send his mum an example of one of the texts if she continues to beg you.

I always say 'no knee jerk reactions' but in this case, you have done totally the right thing OP.
He's been totally vile to you and he knows it.
And now he has mummy wading in for him.
That explains a lot!
Stay strong.
You got this!

Sometimes it can take sounding out a situation on a forum to confirm your deepest suspicions.

Nobody should and ought to be with someone who disrespects them so deeply.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you dealt with this man today. You are definitely doing the right thing. As a PP said, don't let others make you feel guilty. For fuck's sake, your partner made you feel bad enough for not wanting to engage with that constant verbal abuse. Why feel guilty about wanting to look after yourself and your daughter??

Be bloody, bold and resolute!

If a RELATIVE told him off in public about not being nice???

Thats not banter.

Let us know how you are, Rosie

Good for you OP, you'll feel is much better for talking to your mum and getting support from her. Don't worry about DPs reaction - let him sweat!

I have been married 20 years, if my DH whom I adore, said anything like this to me, it would be over!!
It is not funny by any standard

You have absolutely done the right thing. My first partner was like this, always commenting on women on TV "why can't I get someone like that" e.g. slim, sexy. And would tell me I looked awful in particular clothes, but wouldn't tell me which "as he didn't want to upset me". At the time it just brought my self esteem right down. It never got any better. Now I'm with someone who gives me compliments whatever I am wearing, and I do the same with him. I stayed too long with the first one - you are so doing the right thing by getting out now, especially as you have a daughter.

@crappyday2018 - think we have the same EX!

Once at a group meal he again was horrible to me and my friend said to him that I'm his wife and not to speak to me like that. His response... l can speak to her how l like.

I was miserable for years...and it got worse as he got our boy's to join in with the "jokes".

Thank god he met the OW and left.... l could have kissed her!

Well done for having the strength to realise that this isn’t a healthy relationship for you or your child to be part of.

He sounds throughly disgusting. Banter and shared jokes are amazing in a relationship but they shouldn’t involve name calling and personal jibes. You deserve so much more than this. Stay strong and do not let him back peddle and blame you for the split. This is all on him