But we took you to Stately Homes" August 2019 onwards thread

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's August 2019, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018 - May 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hi everyone,
I haven't posted for a little while but am after some advice please.
Dsis has been in a really dysfunctional relationship for several years. He emotionally abuses her and whilst she agrees his behaviour is not right she continues to stay in a relationship with him. I fell out with him about 18 months ago (because of the way he treats her and because he was so appallingly behaved while we were all away together) and made it clear I would not be in the same room as him again but I'd always be there for her. My dmum has done pretty much the same. I've tried so hard to maintain a relationship with dsis despite her frequently choosing him over me. I seem to be her back up plan and after too many examples of this I snapped and had a huge argument with her. Except it wasn't really an argument, it was me screaming and shouting at her back as she walked off, refusing to speak to me. She initiated the conversation, wanting me to agree that dmum was bu for not wanting to talk to the boyfriend and when I tried to explain why mum doesn't want to be around her boyfriend she got upset with me and it escalated from there. I'm so ashamed of my behaviour and don't know how to recover the situation. I'm still so upset with her and her lack of regard for me and the rest of our family but at the same time, if I don't attempt to make peace, this will not be resolved. I feel like I've opened a can of worms that can't be undone but she wants to pretend nothing was ever said.

Sorry this is so rambling but this has upset me so much and I can't work out what I'm upset about and what I should be apologising for

@Clutterfreeintraining you've spent a long time, by the sounds of it, feeling frustrated and upset. It's no wonder that you have reached a point where it's all come out and you've reacted like this. From the outside looking in it seems to me that as you say, your sis wants to just pretend it's not happening. But it is. You have done everything you can to maintain your relationship by the sounds of it, and it's apparent that you do really care for your sis and just want things to be 'ok' between you. I suppose my advice would be that if you feel like you need to resolve things/address what happened, maybe an email or something might be the way ahead? You could apologise for the shouting etc but tell her that the underlying message, you still stand by. If that would make you feel better? But it doesn't sound like she will change her behaviour anytime soon. He is abusive and she puts pleasing him above all else, including her family. You probably feel like you are bashing your head off a brick wall, and you are to a degree. I feel like you desperately want things to be different to how they actually are and you still have hope that you can make her see sense? How long has she been with him? X

Marmaduke makes a good suggestion about an email, Clutterfreeintraining. It's upsetting for you to witness your own sister being in an emotionally abusive relationship but the sad fact is that she is an adult and this is her choice. She knows it's not a healthy relationship but still she stays, and trying to enlist your help in trying to persuade your mother to engage with her abusive partner just put you on the spot. You sound really worn down by it all.

You could point her in the direction of all sorts of support and help - I'm thinking of the Freedom Programme and Women's Aid - but it doesn't sound to me as though she is anywhere near ready to listen so you'd be wasting your time.

All you can do, I guess, is to keep the lines of communication open with your sister so that if she does finally reach breaking point with him, she knows you are there. As you always have been.

Thank you both for replying.

You are so spot on, I could almost believe you know me and this whole situation!!

She is so far from being ready to change her situation.

I've posted before about my relationship with my father (or lack of now - NC for over 2 years) and I can see so clearly how all three of us siblings have been affected by him and, to a certain degree, my mother also but neither of my sisters are willing to talk about it and both prefer to pretend it's not happening. I respect their choice but need to find a way to not get so bothered by it.

I did email her about an hour after this incident on the weekend. Probably not the best idea when it was all so raw but I knew I needed to let her know that I felt she had been unfair and how her choices were affecting the rest of us. She basically thinks I am bullying her which is absolutely not my intention and my judgment is so clouded that I don't know if maybe I am bullying her

Whilst I really do want to be there for her, my state of mind feels so incredibly fragile at the moment, I don't think I can be.

They've been together about 6 or 7 years. He moved in with her temporarily (was only ever meant to be temp but I believe he thought once he was in, he'd stay put) a couple of years ago but he moved out after the disastrous holiday! She's never talked about that and I foolishly believed when he'd moved out that she'd finished with him.

She says she'll never marry him and is now mid40s so unlikely to have a child with him.

I need to make some form of contact before the weekend because I think she'll be at my mum's when I go there. They usually all come to mine for dinner each weekend but mum offered to host instead because she felt sorry for me.

I’m so bloody mad. I don’t even know why...

I went through a phase of thinking “maybe it’s just me if I keep distance and am a bit resilient then I won’t feel so vulnerable around my parents anymore and can stay civil”.

I had a gut feeling my dad was being conveniently nice to me because he wanted something. He has been horrible to me for a long time. But I chose to shut down my gut feelings and call it paranoia..

He has been sucking up to my husband and when one day I had a breakdown and told my dad I was having issues in my marriage he used those issues to get close to my husband and told him “don’t compromise my daughter will give you hell”. My husband was confused And told me.. I wasn’t, I realized my dad was trying to “team up with my husband” and assumed my DH was desperate for someone to take his side.. which he wasn’t because me and him were both facing the same issue... and needing external support... but I knew my dad was just using me to suck up to my DH for a reason.

I entertained his niceties...

After a period of LC..i Decided to give him a call to say hello.. with DH.

But then I managed to be stupid enough to call him alone so he can see the dc the following week and that opened doors for him to resume his expectations..

He literally sent me a request that my DH bring his wife to the UK via an invite. That same wife that abused me during my childhood and when I cried to my dad he let me down and Said “well no one told you to choose your mother to be your primary parent and have the main custody”. Apparently I deserved all her batshit abuse because well what can he do it’s karma.

And apparently now I need to help his wife have a better life and come to the UK.

My step sister who was vile to me started bombarding me with messages .. full of hearts and love. Even though she never was allowed a relationship with me..

Because somehow now she needs me.

I’m angry at the fact I was right all along. They knew exactly how to be nice but chose not to. Because it didn’t suit them but now it does.

And now they’re in a situation where they need me.. and I have to choose to be the bad guy and decline any help... because I can’t get myself to understand why they would even expect me to “invite “ someone to my house and to the country to officially have her back in my life for good when she kicked me out of my own fathers house...

I moved away from the country for a reason I wanted her to stay the hell away from me..

Anyway I can’t explain everything as it’s outing

I just wanted to say how angry I am at realizing that I was right all along.. that I’m just good enough to be used but not to be treated right..

The father daughter bond is only precious when I’m useful and I know for a fact after they get the use out of me I will be flushed down the toilet like always...

I feel stuck between my obligation/guilt programming and my own self preservation.

I hate that I put myself in this situation once again

But to my defense, I just don’t know any other way :’(

I’m also angry because this brings me back to my fake hope of having my dad come live close to me and my kids at his elderly age and I feel sooooo upset that I am having to be the one to shut down that dream..

Because that dream is only in my head.. when he comes live close to me (he is British and doesn’t need a visa but his wife isn’t and he used to use her to conduct his revenge quietly at me and my mother).... when he comes live close to me with his wife he will continue to just be vile because he can...

I hate that I’m having to make that decision before I’m emotionally ready..

I am not ready for the conflict that will result from me declining to support and I’m not ready to accept to support and bring abuse back into my life..

I just want to keep a safe distance and I don’t know what I want to be honest I just want to stay in control in this toxic relationship so it doesn’t destroy me

Had a very difficult relationship with my abusive mother all my life. Now aged 70, she is 96 and dying. I am horribly conflicted. Tell me this is ok, please, someone who has experienced the same.

@pollyglot I think that's an absolutely normal feeling. Even though it was a destructive relationship it was still a relationship and you realise it is ending.

MrsNotNice, your father's wife was vile to you and kicked you out of their house while your own father shrugged his shoulders and did nothing.

Remember that because it's the key to everything.

It's why you don't want them - and particularly her - anywhere near you and it's also why you don't need to tie yourself up in knots about it. You owe them nothing.

You know that if you give in to them, they will find a way to make your life a misery again. Why would you want to put yourself through that? And if you have children of your own, why would you put them through that?

It would be lovely if you had a decent and mutually supportive relationship with your father but, sadly, you don't. It's time to stop chasing an impossible dream. It's time to look after your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

You are not being unreasonable. Far from it. Stick to your guns.

Tell me this is ok, please, someone who has experienced the same.

Yes, it's okay, Pollyglot. If you've spent your whole life trying to be a good daughter to a parent who is abusive and cold, it's a hard habit to break. Your brain tells you that you should care for her and grieve for her at this time - indeed, societal convention expects it - but your heart tells you that when she goes, the source of all your misery will go too. You'll be free.

The only reason you are conflicted about it, Polly, is because you are a normal human being with normal feelings, including empathy. Something your mother is not. If you were truly your mother's daughter, a chip of the old block, you wouldn't be bothered, not one little bit.

It's a hard time for you - I know, my father died about five weeks ago - but you are a survivor. You had to be, to deal with your mother for a whole lifetime. You will get through this, I promise.

@pollyglot I haven't experienced this as mine are still in reasonable health, but what I do understand is the complicated mixed feelings about the end if a very dysfunctional relationship. Do you go on 'out of the fog' website forum? Think there may likely be some threads on their which may be helpful to you xx

@MrsNotNice I'm not surprised you are so upset, so you have been pushed into a no win situation here. Damned if you do and damned if you don't; not that it'll bother them, as they probably refuse to entertain the idea they have ever behaved any less than perfectly. Am I right?! What do you think you will do? I am raging on your behalf. So they can treat you like crap and you have to accept all that and then go out your way to help them out. Looking at the facts of the situation you are absolutely doing the right thing not enabling this woman to come anywhere near you and your family. Your father shouldn't be putting you in this position but it's looks like yet another example of him disregarding your feelings (because only theirs matter, obviously). Stay strong, you are a good person and it's sad that you are having to come to terms with the fact that the happy ending isn't on the cards, but it never was was it? You feel about your dad how I felt (past tense!) about my mother. She is the 'good' one who is 'stuck' with the horrible abusive man. But no, she is the woman who chose to allow her partner to abuse her children and then compounded that abuse by invalidating the children's feelings and backing up the abuser. From what you said your dad is the same. And what kind of person does that really make him? Sorry if I sound harsh but it's a big deal for me at the minute and I'm full of hell 😂

whenever you hear the line 'but I'm your Dad/Mum' or 'but we're family' remember that it cuts both ways, if they didn't treat you like a beloved daughter why should you treat them like a beloved parent.

I’m finding it a bit scary to see how easily some of you are understanding where I’m coming from. all my life I thought I was the only one that could see it and it was all in my head.

I’m a bit shocked to be honest as I just wrote some gibberish out of anger and I assumed people will be confused. I feel human and I feel like I belong. Not that I’m from a different species and that my emotions do in fact make sense and aren’t mental.

I feel that alone is massive help. I already feel so empowered. I feel a sense of calm rush over me just by the fact that the responses I got didn’t start with “what do you mean” or “are you sure you didn’t misunderstand” or something defensive of my father and his wife or something that makes me feel like I’m overly dramatic and should just deal with the situation logically and help out.

I realised the whole bunch of “shoulds” in my head is a symptom of my surroundings. It is very true I don’t owe anyone who abused me to entertain their abuse. It’s really a simple concept but I didn’t realise how it was translating into my reality.

Thank you Singing And Marmaduke and Ulterego.

It’s just that I don’t want to initiate the conflict and drama. I want to keep a superficial relationship where I can keep up niceties but without suffering. But it seems that they’re expecting me to be fully invested in serving their needs and putting them first. I don’t know how to get unstuck now without the drama they will throw my way

It’s just that I don’t want to initiate the conflict and drama.

But you aren't, MrsNotNice. Your father and his wife are doing that by making demands on you. If I understand correctly, your father wants you to sponsor a visa for his wife because you have a settled UK address and he, being domiciled abroad, doesn't.

You don't want this woman in your life - for good reason. So the answer has to be No. Just No.

I'm going to make a wild guess here. I'm guessing you have siblings (I'm not counting the stepsister here). Are they also here in the UK? And if they are, has your father approached them?
Probably not. Probably just you because you were unfairly cast in the role of family scapegoat and have been conditioned your whole life to have no boundaries and to put other people - especially your parents - before yourself every time.

If that's the case, they are doing it again. And this is not about something they need. This is about something they want. Regardless of any impact on you.

You really really don't have to do this. It's perfectly okay not to. In fact, if you have children of your own, you really shouldn't do this. If your father and his wife are too toxic for you to cope with, it's the same deal for your children.

Geographically, they are already distant from you. What can you do to reinforce that?

MrsNotNice I’m so glad you feel validated by all the support and advice you’ve been offered, you should know all of these people have walked in your shoes, which I think makes the difference. These aren’t opinions, they’re truths.

What you’re looking for doesn’t exist. There is no middle ground. Narcissists will use the slightest thing to manipulate you, the tiniest thing can be made a drama.

The only way is for you to decide how it’s going to be from now on - decide your boundaries. Come back here when you need moral support, it’s a time of grief and struggle when you let your illusions of ‘family’ go.

All of us here are giving you permission. You are completely entitled to chose.

MrsNotNice - isn't it such a comfort to know there people who totally get it?

I have so much gratitude to the posters on this thread. Their words mean such so much and the advice given has been quite life changing for me.

I still have a long way to go but knowing there are people who understand makes me feel far less daunted by it all.

to you all

• Are they also here in the UK? And if they are, has your father approached them? Probably not. Probably just you because you were unfairly cast in the role of family scapegoat and have been conditioned your whole life to have no boundaries and to put other people - especially your parents - before yourself every time.*

This can’t be more accurate.. omg. How you managed to read all this between the lines is astonishing.

At least now instead of me staring at the ceiling trying to think about what is it I’m feeling and If my anger is justified or if I’m being oversensitive... I guess now I can accept my feelings and start focusing on how to communicate boundaries. I already feel less stuck. So thank u very much.

The only way is for you to decide how it’s going to be from now on - decide your boundaries. Come back here when you need moral support, it’s a time of grief and struggle when you let your illusions of ‘family’ go.

I’m still at the stage or trying to accept this is an illusion and it’s extremely hard. What makes me angry is at moments like this I can see clearly that my parents know exactly what my “dream family” is and what I’m hoping for. Because they seem very willing to hand it to me only in circumstances where they need a carrot to keep me motivated to reach their ends.. it makes me angry because it’s a further proof that my feelings and needs don’t actually matter at all to them and it’s not that they didn’t know what is it that I was expecting to feel loved/appreciated as a person. I keep convincing myself that it’s innocent ignorance and these moments make me face the idea that they know exactly how they’re hurting me and are choosing to because they’re taking advantage of the fact I won’t do anything about it.

So yes boundaries it is. It’s just that I really need to acceot first that this is their character.. and that acceptance is what I’m finding so hard. It demolishes every excuse I tried to create for them through my life just to convince myself that I do matter to them somewhere deep down. It destroys my identity.

Clutterfreeintraining you are absolutely correct. I have just come back from therapy and honestly didn’t feel validated or understood it felt like a mental marathon and an emotional hike.. but this thread managed to instantly give me the calm I needed and made me feel understood..

It’s highlighted why I struggled to be anything but a scapegoat.. because those feelings of being misunderstood and isolated are important for the role of a scapegoat.. if we ever felt validated and had our perception of the toxic dynamic seen from our side we wouldn’t have been a good case for a scapegoat. My parents made a smart choice putting me in that place.. because I literally had no one who would possibly believe me.

Thank you everyone for the advice the other day. I was just wondering if anyone has any tips/ experience re dealing with a parent who just cannot admit to being less than perfect?

I mentioned the other day that my mother bought something for DD that I'd politely asked her not to buy because I'd already bought it for DD's Christmas stocking, and her response was (i) to blame me for not telling her (I had, in writing), and (ii) to blame me for sending her too many texts.

There's now been another very minor incident that has somehow left me feeling very drained. Without going into too much detail, my mother suggested to my DF (from whom she's been divorced for almost two decades but somehow she always has to insert herself as the middleman in all my dealings with him) something that he could buy for my DD, as he wanted to get her a present. She mentioned it to me but presented it as something she knew all about from when she was a teacher and which would be great for DD, so I took her word for it because it's dangerous to doubt her word. DF buys it, turns out it's not actually something we can use at all, DD - being a small child - is upset at having a present given to her and then being told she can't have it.

Honestly, it's not a big deal. I've argued with DF a hundred times about not buying DD stuff all the time because I don't want her spoiled. I didn't want him to get her a bloody present in the first place, especially not this close to Christmas.

But... I'm just worn to the bone by my mother's reaction to everything being random blame-slinging and making stuff up. If she'd just said "ah, crap, how annoying" or "Sorry about that!", I'd have said "don't be silly, mum, nothing to apologise for - DD has enough stuff bought for her already!". But instead she goes on the attack and it's (i) my fault for believing her when she said she'd used this thing professionally and it was perfect for DD; (ii) DF's fault for buying the wrong thing (I asked what exactly she'd asked him to get because maybe I could exchange it for the right thing, and she went very quiet on that so I assume she was making that up); and (iii) DD's fault for not having learned - at the great age of three - not to be disappointed when someone gives you a present and takes it away again.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I know if I tried to tell this story elsewhere on MN, I'd be called "grabby", but it's not about the bloody present. I'm just weary from nearly forty years of my mother twisting every single bloody thing so that she's perfect/ infallible and I'm constantly in the wrong (or DF is, or DB is).

I'm honestly having suicidal thoughts at the moment and I can't really explain why. It all sounds so silly but I'm just tired to the bone of it all.

If it makes things any clearer, I feel as though I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place where my life isn't worth living if I don't do what my mother says, but if I do and it doesn't work out, she'll pre-emptively attack me for listening to her.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words.

Veryupset

First of all your suicidal thoughts are very concerning, if you are planning something will you promise to tell someone who can help you? Please?

You are so important and valuable, your life CAN be different however hard and painful things feel right now. I can see by what you’ve written that you’re a thoughtful caring mum, and a sensitive kind woman. Your life is important. Please keep talking, there’s people who care about you, honestly.
Can I offer you a hug, and a hand to hold?

Secondly, please go and read some of the resources recommended on the first page of the thread. You’ll find some sense, and maybe get some ideas about what you can do to find some strength to be more yourself. Your mother is wrong and she’s let you down very badly.

Thank you for the hug, Herocomplex. It is very much appreciated. I'm going to bed now so don't worry about me. I've been here before so I know I can get through it. I just feel as though my personality is fragmenting into a million tiny pieces, if that makes sense. But the hug helps - thank you.

Wow, great thread. I'm home.