Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Oh Peanut why he is he unsuitable I never did get that bit other than the age.

It sounds very stressful, but also doesn’t sound like either of you want to be “out” so maybe just getting through this tough period until his business eases off?

Although from past experience the financial thing isn’t going to resolve fast.

Hello MrUnavailable welcome, no shoeing if you are being honest about still being in a non committal place, I think a lot of people on the thread aren’t, but honesty is the key.

Sure you aren’t Mrs bloke, £20k isn’t that posh a car...

@WhatWhyWhen Oh god, i'm of the opinion now that 'Emotionally intelligent' should be filed as a red flag

Hi @MrUnavailable. As your name suggests you are our nemesis (!!) if you are aware your iron is over investing in you, and you aren't in a place to have a relationship, is there a reason you haven't ended things?

Sorry to hear that @Peanuthedz I do think you have listed a whole set of reasons why he isn't a suitable person to be in a relationship with. Bit of course that doesn't make it hurt any less. You could see if there's a way round it. Although it sounds likely you'd end up back here so is it worth prolonging. This probably sounds harsher than I intend it to. I really am sorry you are hurting

I just wanted confirmation I wasn't being stupid I guess.. I have attracted a load of wierd men so far and he is the best ..3 dates ..Yes something doesn't add up .I do need to raise my bar and hope that I can attract someone nice .. it's hard being a bigger plus sized girl on old.. @MrUnavailable I am down south and I would be upset to be know as Mrs Soviet espicallly after my last hoilday.. Thanks guy's.

@peanuthedz I would think about the reasons why you / he don't think you should be together - even list them? Apologies if I have missed something but they seem logistical/ practical (lack of time, new business, money etc) but they seem different reasons to me than emotional unavailability, abuse, dishonesty i.e. many of the other reasons for not dating someone. Personally, I find it so rare to find someone I find attractive and have a connection with that I would overlook those kind of practical reasons and see it is a 'temporary' blip. Mr R went through a phase of being busy at work and then my diary got filled so we didn't see each other much (and yawned a lot when we did) but we are very compatible and there's a connection that I haven't had with anyone else so it's just the way things are but they're getting better.

@shitwithsugaron Feeling your pain. Am in a similar situation contact wise with MrC now school has restarted. We're still in more or less constant WA contact and lots of phone calls.

@Sunshineandflipflops Do things feel more relaxed/easier with MrAd than MrSAS? That gift was lovely - as the saying goes, listen to what they do, not what they say. Sounds like his communication style suits you a lot more than MrSAS as well.

@Mytimeoneday - what other apps are you on - I only used POF then Tinder and found them both to be OK tbh.

@notmrscookie Most of the people I know with nice cars either have a car allowance from work or have it on a PCP at £300 a month with no hope of ever owning it and a very much keeping up with the Jones'

@CocoKoko123 I introduced DD to MrC after 4 months - they've met a few times and we've had some sleep overs at his and he visited us at our holiday home last month - they get on really well. Probably because he's happy to play endless games of Uno and always lets her win. Quite honestly I need to know they like each other, because if they didn't there's no future for us.

@Peanuthedz Sorry to hear your news. It sounds untenable in the short term, and if you're not looking for something long term with him, then I think it's probably kinder to both of you to recognise that timing is a bitch and walk away before the arguments get more heated - I've always thought your relationship with him sounded quite highly charged and tempestuous mainly due to his (feisty Mediterrean?) temperament, rather than your doing - on the whole I think you've been the one who has compromised over missed dates/no shows/lack of comms, perhaps have a think about whether you're giving more than you're getting - there'll always be peaks and troughs from both sides, but if you can't see how things will improve practically, it may be best to call it a day.

Re profiles about "don't do cheaters, liars etc." I always thought why the need to explicity put that? Is it not a given that most people don't want that from a future partner?

@Notcoolmum - I don't know she's getting over invested, I'm afraid of it. And that is going to be partly down to my own self esteem and other issues.

I've been as upfront as I can about things, which is as much as I think I should do - she is an adult and it's up to her to decide if I can't offer what she wants. I think ending things now would just be self sabotage.

@MrUnavailable having been in this situation and hurt and now being on the other side of things I can see where you are coming from. She is an adult but are you clear your actions match your words? My last iron said he had issues but then acted as if he was in with both feet. I ignored his words and listened to his actions and ended up hurt.

With my current iron I've been clear with my words I'm not interested in anything serious and I'm mindful that my actions mirror this. If I sense he is getting in deeper I think I have a responsibility to not be a dick and end it.

@JeSuisPrest I'm on Bumble, Tinder and POF but new to OK Cupid and genuinely liked said person's profile so just assumed I'd get a response as I'm reasonably ok looking plus he had liked me first and we had a 97% match! Think the gods are telling me to take a break if I can't even get a reply here!

@Peanuthedz I'm of the opinion that he sounds decent, not abusive or a cheat and is clearly into you. However perhaps I set my bar too low these days....

@Mytimeoneday RE: no reply to a seemingly perfect profile match.....You kinda have to bear in mind - people OLD are in all sorts of stages,. E.g. dating someone in early stages and wondering when to take their profile down. Not dating anyone but feeling jaded and thinking of giving up. Have some random dealbreaker you're not aware of. About to move away. Etc etc. So, try not to take a non response personally

@notmrscookie I think the issue is that it really doesn’t add up. People can be in complex situations but they do add up. When they don’t, it’s usually because there’s something their not telling you.

MrSG and I were both living with our exes when we met. So really less than ideal circumstances. My house had already sold and I was buying a new place on my own but his situation had a less clear end date on it. Everything I told him added up, and was borne out by subsequent events. His situation was more complex (and is still more complex than mine because he’s waiting for the sale of his house to go through - they’re very nearly at exchanging contracts though) but it did add up and aligned with circumstances.

He was also very keen indeed that I meet the important people in his life. We both met each other’s parents early on, for example. And (unless you’re really outrageous and willing to conduct an affair with someone else in your parents’ house and with their knowledge - that’s what MrSG’s ex’s most recent affair partner did 😱) you wouldn’t introduce someone to your parents, siblings and grandparents if you were cheating. Not would you introduce them to your children as your GF.

But Mr(not so)PoshCar’s situation does not appear to add up. And the things that happen in his life don’t appear to align. Which suggests that he may not be telling you the whole story (or anything resembling the truth).

@shitwithsugaron It sounds really tricky at the moment. Hopefully he’ll appreciate that you have thought about his birthday, even if current circumstances are getting in the way.

@Peanuthedz I’m so sorry to hear about MrU. It does sound ridiculously hard. His life is definitely a mess right now. I hope you’re doing OK.

@MrUnavailable Are you sure ending it now would be self sabotage? Sometimes (as @TooOldForThis67 suggests) we try dating and then realise that we really aren’t in a place or situation where we can do it. So we give it a break (or, as lots of people have done, we are absolutely clear that it’s a FB/FWB situation and will never be anything more). Yes, your iron is an adult but you know she’s hoping for more than you can or will give. Maybe it would be a good idea to have an all cards on the table talk with her.

Hey @JeSuisPrest, yes they do feel easier. He has some self esteem issues stemming from an unhappy marriage and alcoholism but I do too so...

He is very thoughtful and kind and says what he's thinking...it's a revelation 😂

@supercali77 yes just wish my message was at least read and deleted otherwise I just wonder!!!

@Mytimeoneday does he need an active paid subscription to read and reply? Maybe he doesn't have one? Get on tinder. Everyone's on there!!

@Notcoolmum you don't need to pay to send messages but I presume he must have got a notification about my message so either just found me repulsive and decided not to read or just not been online. His profile said he couldn't see likes so to message him and he would get back to people. I sound a bit obsessed but I thought I had this one in hand! It was just a surprise to get nothing back. Perhaps I'm deluded!!!

Is this on okcupid @Mytimeoneday

@lifegoes yes, OkCupid 😁. I need to get over it! So silly of me as I get likes and matches on different apps but I was very keen on getting a response here.

I have to be honest I often got notifications of messages. But for the life of me couldn't find how to read them. Have you both matched? @Mytimeoneday I'm not 100% sure on how it works. But I'm sure you both have to match before you get the messages in your inbox. But 🤷🏻‍♀️

@lifegoes yes that was my point, I saw he had liked me, so I liked him back and matched. Then I mailed him first because I was keen and this was yesterday. So I guess I would have expected a read receipt or just be blocked or unmatched but nada!

Just jumping on in break quickly to say cookie I agree with others and would be cautious
Great quote life
Will answer others questions when I have time when finish work but thanks for all your thoughts on my situation