Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Deffo @notreallyacatfish he will have had a lovely time @NigesFakeWalkingStick !!

I've bailed. I would have happily spent the evening together off the first ten minutes as he was attractive, funny etc.

About half an hour in I was I tried steering the conversation SO many times. I didn't know if it was nerves so i gave him benefit of the doubt. Appears he's all about himself.

I doubt he's interested in me, he knows virtually nothing about me 😂

I think you lasted longer than most would Niges what a self centred bellend!
I've had a fun afternoon texting MissTiny, think the sun, sea and sangria on holiday has made her a bit frisky! 😂

@NigesFakeWalkingStick Sounds like bailing was exactly the right thing to do. Well done for not sticking it out out of a misplaced sense of politeness.

@Notcoolmum I’ve introduced 4 BF’s to my mum (teenage BF/DS1’s dad, university BF, my horrible ex, and MrSG). All of them were LTRs: 4 years, 3 years, 10 years (eurgh) and this one hopefully far longer. I also met all their parents. Only my teenage BF ever met my (abusive, alcoholic, possibly narcissistic) dad because I’ve been NC with him for nearly 20 years. I’ve met MrSG’s entire family. And he was even keen to visit my sister (which I never do, and having visited he understands why 😂).

I had a look at the characteristics of unavailable people on baggage reclaim and I’m not sure I agree that they are all always signs. MrSG and I were both, for example, still living with our exes when we met. But they were both most definitely exes and it was very clear. But neither of us is (or was) emotionally unavailable in the least.

That said, I definitely recognise @supercali77’s quotation ‘a woman out for all she could give’ in myself. That is definitely how I am in relationships. After some crappy ones with people out to take advantage of that, I’m pretty certain I’ve found one that’s as willing to give as take. And I’m learning to take more as a result.

Niges well he sounds THRILLING!

Ant ah the holiday horn, a real thing

I have a problem I’ve never had before. Mr EP and I are meeting tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. He’s making time in a busy schedule which I think shows promise?

However MrRugby and I have texted a bit this morning, he’s utterly adorable (and I’ve realised we are on 2000+ messages). A genuinely lovely consistent guy. I absolutely don’t want to hurt him, and I did want to go on the next date, it’s just that we’ve both been busy. But if I get past date 3 with Mr EP I have to call it right? I just can’t multidate past that point I don’t think? Doesn’t feel right. I feel like a cow now even though logically I know he’s on the apps (friend text!) and I have no exclusivity with MrEP, well we haven’t discussed it...

But like the person MrRugby is.

FML I’ve never liked 2 people and they like me before. Is this what being emotionally healed and ready feels like, instead of a parade of wankers??

What would you all do?

Why would you choose Me EP over Mr rugby @WhatWhyWhen?

@WhatWhyWhen if it's currently nothing serious, no exclusive chat, no commitment, then why choose. If the conversation about exclusivity or dating others comes up, be honest and discuss how you feel. They might be good with it, they might not, and then you have a decision to make.

If it's too much to process for yourself, then make a decision, but I don't think you should be feeling guilty at this stage.

That’s what I’m sitting thinking tonight, sense checking my own decisions.

I didn’t fancy MrRugby on the date 🤷🏻‍♀️ The spark wasn’t there, but I was going to give it another go, not massively invested so I dated MrEP. But he just started opening up a little and I’ve realised maybe lovely is important and worth trying for the spark.

MrEP instant spark, total life match, get on really easily. Am now sat thinking, is it just a sex thing for him? Not that we have yet though he’s definitely aiming that way! Does he talk about himself too much not me? Will he want to DTD tomorrow and therefore isn’t interested in me for me? Though I’ve said I don’t do hook ups and he agreed. But they can say anything right?

Think I’m at risk of self sabotaging both!

Rick thank you, do you think that’s ok? I think I was married so long even talking to 2 people feels like cheating Insane really as I know MrRugby is talking to others. So why I feel like I’m going to upset him I just don’t know. I think it’s because he’s shared some really personal stuff and I have the whole empath / look after them thing going on.

MrEP I think is less likely, he is so time poor and never on WA.

You are right though, I always commit early and 3 times I’ve been burnt because they’ve dated others and moved on. Guess you have to be harder in the OLD game!

It is hard when you think you have to make a decision. But I don't think you are at that stage yet. You can have sex with Mr EP and still date Mr Rugby. It's not a first come first served scenario 😂
I was dating Mr London and Mr Scouse at the same time. I had already slept with Mr L bit things were still casual. When I slept with Mr S I realised I wanted more and felt more of a connection from him so ended things with Mr L. I never told Mr L about Mr S. But Mr S knew about Mr L after the event. Confusing!!

Oh wow, I have always presumed exclusivity if I’m sleeping with someone or talking to them a lot! God I bet they’ve all been at it

I’m so naive it’s untrue!

@WhatWhyWhen MrEP I think is less likely, he is so time poor and never on WA.

This is why I don't get too embroiled in lots of WA chatting and prefer to spend time in people's company having a good time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not radio silence, but I just get on with whatever it is that I'm doing and enjoying that too.

I used to be like that, but I find it over invests me too soon and I like to slow it right down, even if I've got the feels. I fall in love ridiculously easy because of my own neediness and I've been trying to knock that on the head a bit. And I think if I remove my neediness, when I do fall in love, it'll be for the right reasons. Not saying you are like me, just explaining my reasons.

They might not have. It’s not that uncommon for people to only want to DTD with people they’re exclusive with. But, equally, it’s not wrong to do anything if you haven’t agreed exclusivity.

That said, the idea of having the exclusivity discussion kind of horrifies me. But it is often a necessary evil in 21st century dating. I didn’t really have one with MrSG. It was more that he told me he didn’t feel he needed tinder any more and he’d like to think of me as his GF and I wholeheartedly agreed. Neither of us dated anyone else after we’d matched with each other, but that was coincidence rather than any agreement really.

Rick makes perfect sense, I think I like MrEP for that too, he’s just getting on with life and it calms my own native instinct to be intense and fall fast.

Woo totally get that, an adult having to say to another adult “can you be my exclusive boyfriend please thank you” makes me want to chew my own arm off.

Yes. That’s exactly the problem @WhatWhyWhen. It’s just excruciating really.

Maybe other people are just less awkward and useless than me though. That said, I did think MrSG was adorable in his polite and hopeful request that I’d be his GF. I’d probably have thought he was adorable at that point anyway. Although I assume he wasn’t hoping to come across as adorable; he probably hoped for something more akin to sexy. 😆

Can i join? Ive had a look before but wasnt ready.

I've been doing NSA only for a few months but have put a profile up on match - and 36 hours later i already feel like giving up... NSA felt easy as my expectations were super low, and actually i did meet some nice men that were fun to spend time with. 'Real' dating feels terrifying! Im too old, no beauty, feel very unsure. But also would love to just chat to some nice guys...

Im too old, no beauty, feel very unsure.

The lack of confidence is what makes you feel the other two are true. I’m certain they’re not.

Welcome temporary never too old, everyone is beautiful in some way and the unsure... well that’s what this is here for

What I agree with Rick and Not you don't have to 'pick one' yet!

Mr BC met almost my entire (very tiny) family at the funeral. My father is a difficult man and we don't get on (understatement) and apart from polite introductory chat has never asked me about him or expressed pleasure that I've finally (finally!) found some happiness. But my adult children really like Mr BC so that's good.

temporary don't put yourself down! And as for being old, I'm 55 .....

Well. I haven't heard a thing from Mr Joker for 36 hours or so, and after reading about unavailable men, he fits right into the mould so I'm unsurprised. Hey ho. Kind of interesting really.

Yesterday I matched with someone new, I'll call him Mr Viking. We talked a lot and he is so much more effusive and keen than Mr Joker ever was, in spite of our successful first date.

To sum up - I have no idea what I'm doing.

Your children’s opinions matter much more than your father’s @BatshitCrazyWoman.

My mum never asks about MrSG because she’s weird. My ex MIL does though. She even messaged me to wish him a happy birthday. It’s weird. I think she is sad that I’m not her DIL any more but she’s genuinely happy that I’ve met someone who makes me happy after years of misery with her son. The last time I actually saw her she whispered to me (so ex wouldn’t here): you’re going to be so much happier without him.

Oh FFS. Hear not here.

To sum up - I have no idea what I'm doing.

Few of us do. The best I manage is pretending I know what I’m doing.

I've never made it to the stage of needing an exclusivity chat but agree it would probably feel really awkward 🤦‍♀️

Have a few new matches. Moved 2 on to whatsapp. 1 seems to have tailed off though - my doing too I guess - because I'm clearly more interested in one. I shall name him MrWade (because his eyes remind me of the character in road house). Oldest iron I've chatted with (6 years older than me) but this seems to be a plus as he seems mature and respectful so far. We've pencilled in to meet tomorrow night but location not yet confirmed.