Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

@TemporaryPermanent I started with Match because it felt like the safest option out of the OLD sites, but for me it was also the worst in terms of results.
Best for me in order have been Tinder, Bumble, POF and recently Hinge. Tinder isn't just a hook up site although lots of people initially assume it is.
Don't get disheartened and get yourself on some other apps.

Hm yes maybe i will try others. Match feels very forced, either Love! or Dump! immediately with no other option. But bumble felt a bit the same, i want an 'ill see' option. Ive made contact with Mr Guitar, seems ok.

I haven't found the exclusive chat awkward. First time I had no clue what to say. Probably because it was clear he was still on the app and active so I stayed active myself.

Then with Mr S he told me he deleted his tinder but want asking me to do he same so the conversation came from there. With Mr B he made a joke about me being on a date so I asked if he was dating others and we agreed we'd prefer not to. They've been easy conversations. If you are sleeping with someone you should be able to talk about it and your expectations imho.

I have a new favourite strategy
I pay for bumble. What I like about it is....normally you go on swipe through the stack get matches and then you have to deal with chats etc while also swiping. It gets bogged down. Now what I do is just see who's right swiped on me, go through and take out the ones I dont see anything with and kinda work my way through the list. If they dont reply I just go to the next one. It's more manageable because I havent done a swipe frenzy and ended up starting chats with more people than i can manage. It's just a more relaxed way to do it when i have time.

So the date from yesterday text me after he got back, and apologised (without prompt from me) for talking about himself endlessly and not asking questions.

I politely went back and said it had been noticed He got a bit defensive and said 'I do prattle on I did say' to which I commented that talking is fine, interjecting me every time I went to respond, less so. He said he'd had a good time but had blown it. This was his first online date, so I kindly said just chalk it up to experience.

He seemed so promising too

I think the ‘I’ll see’ option is the chatting with them/the first date or dates. There’s really no way around it.

People have different approaches to swiping. Some of our fellow dating threaders have experimented with swiping right on everyone to see what happened (someone met their boyfriend after one such mad swiping session).

It’s s bit like using a variety of different sorting methods. The initial swipe is mostly about deciding who looks like they might potentially be OK and weeding out the drugged tigers, fish and urinal mirror selfies. Then you message/wait for messages and see which of the matches are actually matches. After that you chat to see if it’s worth setting up a date. And the first date is really an in person interview.

So at all stages it’s a bit ‘we’ll see’. Until you’ve finally decided that you are a thing (of whatever description you’re going for).

I met MrSG on tinder. Both of us look at each other sheepishly when asked how we met and then tell the truth. That said, I think ‘we met on tinder’ might be the standard ‘how we met’ story for this era. Subsequent generations will probably think it sounds so quaint and old fashioned.

All,
I've decided I'm currently far too busy with work and other life stuff to even keep up with the thread, never mind date, so am going to take a break for a while, until things calm down a bit..

I'll still be around, as I'm chatting to others (nobody on the thread!) via mumsnet, so will remain pm-able.

Best wishes to everyone on the thread, and good luck on your dating endeavours, and as Arnie is famed for saying - "I'll be back"

the questioning was about kissing and are your lips currently kissing anyone else as well as me.

That’s actually hilarious. Almost rom-com worthy.

So is the tinder honesty. I always make a bit of a sheepish face if asked even on my own. The response from people is often something like ‘I met my partner online’ or ‘all the newish couples I know met in tinder’. Still it feels like an admission rather than anything else.

My mum asked how we met and I said ‘we just met’. Even she realises it was code for ‘I’m not telling you.

Good luck @AverageGuy. I hope life calms down a bit soon.

My friend married someone she met online, except he didn't want anyone on his side knowing so we were under strict orders not to mention this at the wedding!! A bit sad really.

@notreallyacatfish I don't get that honestly - A guy I was chatting to said 'Can we agree before we meet if it goes anywhere that we met in a bar' - turned me right off.....If you think it's that bad, don't use it, and certainly don't stigmatise me along with you

I actually deleted Tinder after me and Mr Cactus kissed for the first time last week. We've only been dating for 4 weeks - I just don't know if its too early to have the exclusivity talk. I suspect he isn't talking to anyone else because he's not shy exactly but doesn't talk to many people outside of his circle of friends.

I'm still perturbed how he even managed to message me on Tinder. Just as well he did though. He's the only person I've ever been on a date with from Tinder, I've not actually asked him at all about it. I am going to if I see him this weekend though. I've arranged for Ex to look after DS for a night so I can go stay over. In fact before I let him seal the deal (giggidy) I'll definitely have the conversation.

I should have asked him this weekend actually. We'll see how I feel after two bottles of wine.

He has a blueberry bush outside his house which he keeps picking from and bringing me, so I might ask him.....are you giving anyone else your blueberries LOLOLOL

We’ll miss you averageguy! I hope you meet someone IRL at your salsa classes 😊

@SBD1

'Are you giving anyone else your blueberries?'

This made me LOL!!!!

You absolute should say this to him. It's funny, breaks the ice and very cute. Let's hope he has some left though otherwise you may have to wait until next year!!

I actually think it's very lovely and thoughtful that he is giving you his blueberries. I want someone to like me that much 😭🤣

@notreallyacatfish

I'm going to do it, I'll have to wink wink nudge nudge for him to get it however.

Is fallback girl more about not recognising that there is a mismatch in intent, or is it more about being played/mislead/lied to? Or both?

@RickDeckard it kinda covers it all, but generally speaking it's about people that say they want X, but all their actions show they don't. But if you try to end things, they suddenly ramp up their efforts. They have an intimacy level they're comfortable with- neither fully in, or fully out

Thanks @supercali77

Makes sense. I think I experienced similar with XGF, maybe not so much the fallback guy, but more I'm settling for you guy. But then I also think things were way complicated having very different love languages.

I've really spent some serious thought time into making sure rule 12 always applies so nothing is implied. And I'm hoping as long as I'm on the same page (or at least within a few paragraphs!) by being honest, that everyone is happy. Of course things change though... Watch me be on the smitten bench in a couple of weeks 😂

Oh God, Mr BC and I can't say how we met to friends/family 😳 For those new to the thread, we met on Fab Swingers 22 weeks ago ....

Haha @BatshitCrazyWoman in your case is just say we met online!! 😂😂