Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

@FMFL It's just like detox or something. The uncertainty works on you, it becomes a habit. If he's out of your life completely, you can move on......be aware, if he is not blocked.....there is a really high chance he'll come back and if you're having a weak moment.....you know what i'm sayin

@FMFL www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-baggage-reclaim-sessions-podcast/ Enjoy ! But don't listen while driving

@supercali77 @Notcoolmum @notreallyacatfish @shitwithsugaron
Absolutely, he only sees his pain and has nothing to give, and not sure can receive either.
(Sorry for the confusion, he said “you could be important” in January and then kept contacting me whenever I moved on)

@Notcoolmum @notreallyacatfish
Yes that’s the thing, the hardest is to let go of Mr Unavailable to open your heart to Mr Available. I admire you stick to your standards despite it being hard.

Thank you lovely people! I feel your comments really help finding strength!

In utter and total agreement with @Notcoolmum ... you are all a lovely bunch of very wise people and your advice and humour make life that little bit better.

@LonelyButterfly I'm literally only realising all this today, I've yet to actually follow through and cut contact with MrFaceTime. Even with the realisation, it's still hard. But just realising it is a step forward I think.

Sorry I don't know why I thought he meant you'd be important in January coming !

It is hard. Realising it is a massive step. But to take action is another big step.

I'm dating a totally unsuitable man right now but have been straight it's not long term or serious. It's all I can manage after Mr S.

Ok, on the topic of dates. I seem to be attracting people passing through town. OR rather, I find them attractive. Emotionally Unavailable, moi? Well, yes. One of them is hot, and in a hotel a mile away. Here for a physics conference. I'm working so can't go and rip his pants off, but damn.

In other news, i've theoretically got a date on Thursday. This was the guy I just asked out after a short convo. We've texted small amounts, i'm not hopeful of chemistry or anything on this one......I quite liked taking a rapid and direct approach for once though

Blimey just read the key signs of emotional unavailability on the Baggage Reclaim website, it's like they know MissH and describes my own behaviour to a tee! Will be listening to the full podcast later.

I'm joining in if you don't mind. I'm on the dating scene post divorce and absolutely crapping myself. I haven't dated since 2010.....

I met Mr Cactus (he bought me a cactus on our second date for my new house) on Tindr and we went on a date the day after I moved to my new place (new town etc). I'm smitten but I'm trying really hard not to be.

Thing is, he's not one to communicate much outside of actually seeing him and I'm a single mum so I can only really see him at the weekends. I did spend a couple of nights at his last week (no hanky panky) so that my ex could stay at my house and spend time with DS. And then DS was away at the weekend so Mr Cactus stayed over on saturday night.

He completely respects my boundaries, he doesn't make a move he waits for me to be ready and make the first move. Once I've made the first move he then steps up. For example I didn't kiss him til I had known him for 3 weeks, and now he kisses me all the time.

My issue here is...I'm falling for him hard (not love no need to panic) and I really want to reel it back in and take a step back . Gotta love myself first!

From what I distilled on Emotionally Unavailable partnerships. Both people involved are EU. One of them is the obvious 'avoiding' one. The other is avoiding by pursuing an 'avoiding' partner. I think it's probably just levels of unavailability really.

Hi
I know you're maybe wondering what I am doing here?
I have been wrestling with so many bad thoughts recently and I have no one to talk to or ask for help. I feel ashamed.
I just found out that my wife after 22 years of marriage is having an emotional affair with a stranger on instagr she even went out with him for coffee and cinema.
I am absolutely bogged down with anger, shock and grief I have never wanted to snoop on her until we came back from holidays she seemed distant and pensive glued to her phone all the time.
I really have no idea what to do?

Hi @Nouri I hi k you should start your own thread on this. This is a bread to support each other through the pitfalls of OlD and it sounds like you need more focused support.

The discussion about family events and parents earlier made me wonder. How many of us have introduced irons to our parents? Aside from my teenage boyfriends my parents have met my husband and one other (Mr uncommitted for 5 years). No one else!! I had planned on asking Mr S to an adult family birthday party but we broke up. Am I normal?!

Been reading that Emotionally Unavailable website and another thread here and a few alarm bells are ringing re Mr Joker. Sigh. I'm going to back right off and see what happens, as an experiment.

I have a coffee date with someone new later this week,.I'll name him later as my mind is blank!

That all sounds lovely and cosy and coupley @shitwithsugaron
You sound very integrated and settled.

@SBD1 it sounds like things are ticking over nicely. No over investment by continuous texts. He's kind and respectful to you. What are you really worrying about?

@Notcoolmum @shitwithsugaron I have introduced the odd fake girlfriend. When my Dad still used to visit he accidentally met BF when we were still together, that was fairly awkward.

@notcoolmum

I don't want to be overbearing and intense. When all I want to do is be with him ALL THE TIME.

You know, the first few weeks when you really like someone and all that.

I'm worried that I'll get too needy, I'm used to being wholly independent so this is a really scary feeling for me. I don't even know if we're exclusive, and I mean it's only been a month so I don't even know if its appropriate to ask. I'm wholly out of my depth, before my ex-husband I didn't date I just....slept around

@SBD1 check out rule 12 at the start of the thread. You should feel able to have an open and honest conversation about what you both want out of the relationship. I think it's normal to be overwhelmed by thoughts of someone at the very beginning but you are acting steady even if you don't feel it! I'd be more worried if you were talking to him all the time. It sounds like you have a good balance. Dating is all weird! Im a bit more hardened to it but that's because I've allowed myself to fall and been hurt.

So I went on the date after my mum picked my son up.

He has literally spent 3 hours talking about himself, not asked me one question. I genuinely am

Oh @NigesFakeWalkingStick sorry to hear it wasn’t a success. 3 hours... I’m impressed you stuck it out.

@NigesFakeWalkingStick I've dated a couple of people like that before. It's shocking! And then I was surprised they asked for a second date because they liked me... when they knew nothing about me! Clearly liked that I let them talk about themselves.

I would put money on him asking for another date!