Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

notmrs he could be telling the truth or he could still be very married. Can you Facebook stalk? Can you just randomly call or message him at any time and he responds? Do you know where he lives?

Not sure who mentioned it, but over 50 isn't too old for Tinder. I'm 55 and was on Tinder.

@notmrscookie that sounds a bit less than ideal TBH and your post doesn't make it sound like you were really into it. My current iron lives with a mate (who I think might be his mum!!) and I live with my teenagers so finding alone time is difficult. We have been frustrated and a little naughty but I'd want it to be more even handed than that!! 😂

It sounds like he could still be very married if he is living with his ex and they have dinner together. I don't think I'd want to start a relationship with someone in that position. Has he been open about you? Are you on his social media?

My last iron has left his wife but they were very much intertwined and in the end we broke up as he wasn't ready for a full on grown up relationship with me. I wish I'd listened to my gut about it early on and saved myself a lot of heart ache.

notmrs and *notcool - I lived with my ex and thought I was ready to move on but practically it was very difficult. It didn't stop me getting dates and I was upfront about the situation but in hindsight I wasn't ready for anything serious. Be careful notmrs. It's what killed MrWow off for me, too much involvement from his ex.

Am seeing MrSolid today for some naughty fun! 🙂

Had a lovely phone conversation with Mr Viking last night. He's really cool, an amazing artist and we click on a lot of issues. Little chance of meeting up for at least a week or so, unfortunately. I don't like investing too much in someone without meeting first but it can't be helped.

Still nothing from Mr Joker. I've deleted his number - he can contact me himself if he likes but I won't hold my breath. I think he was just after the chase tbh. Glad I figured it out sooner rather than later.

His version is he lives with his parents as there carer .They are in their 80s and 90s .They have dementia. He is working from home tomorrow to take mum to hospital appointment. His ex is on Facebook but to a private setting..He claims house will be sold when they pay of mortgage in 5 yrs and he can retire ...His parents have 2 cats and he has 2 dogs ..Dogs are with ex due to his parents not liking them and he walks them daily.. He picks me up as his car is posh and expensive 20.0000 plus and mine is 12 years old but I love it.His money doesn't impress me.. my house is paid for but he doesn't know that...

I'd be very careful @notmrscookie very careful indeed. Is that 20k for his car or 200k? If it's 20k that's not expensive and if it's 200k I'd be asking why he hasn't invested that into somewhere to live. I'm really really sorry. But something isn't adding up for me.

@notmrscookie Yeah something isn't adding up - how's he his parents carer (dementia is a demanding illness, how would he work and do this?) and driving a 200,000 car? Why not get his parents a carer and find a place to live nearby? Sorry, it doesn't stack up

Soz 20.000 I know it's not expensive but it more then mine ...mine is a little toyota .. his is much bigger ... ..I need to work out if the issues are his or mine..I was really hurt 5 years ago and have built up to dating again... never got past date 2.. found his ex ..Both seem to like there cars.. he profile front like cheaters, Liars and time wasters...

@notmrscookie even if it's 20k. I don't think these issues are yours as such. But none of his story makes sense to me. It's screaming lies and that he's still very much with his wife. Please please be careful

@notmrscookie never believe what the profile says.

Rather - don't just believe the profile. It's uncanny how people saying they are not something is a weird subliminal flag of what they are or vice versa

Sorry notmrs it just doesn't make sense. Why wait 5 yrs to pay off then sell, surely its swings and roundabouts? How can he care for his parents properly and work? Another 5 yrs of seeing ex every day to walk the dogs? Obviously at this early stage you can't grill him, lol. But as concerned friends on here, please be careful. There could be rational explanations, I hope so.

supercali totally agree, profiles that specifically state things like don’t like liars and cheats, well...

NotMrs seriously this has your next heartbreak written all over it. Seriously consider walking away.

Shit that’s hard. I hope his DC comes out and things rebalance.

Morenice fingers crossed for MrViking!!

@WhatWhyWhen My favourite was the guy who said 'Empathy' is his best quality, even had a book on it.....guess what he was like? hahaha

Quote of the day.

Hi all, just lurking here for a bit of advice. What's the view on OkCupid? I paid and was a bit of a waste as I wasn't attracted to any. One bloke seemed an ideal match and did 'like' me first and I matched and then wrote a funny message yesterday but no read receipt or message back. I know from his profile, he is abroad and moving back to the UK but how long should I give it before deleting the app! This was a profile I really liked for some reason....silly as I am...and i genuinely thought I'd get a response.

@Mytimeoneday In theory it's a great dating site, in practise it's not got as many users, the messaging system is a bit weird. Why delete the app? Just let your subscription run surely and see what happens?

@lifegoes Excellent quote

Mytime I tried it and paid, could not get on with it at all, only 1 message and that was the guy from Holland, so am abroad theme there! I’ve turned it off at the moment.

Supercali mrvictimblameywanker had “emotionally intelligent” on his HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@WhatWhyWhen I think you make a great point as I'm sure I've seen it elsewhere where more people are from abroad even though his was set to London. I guess for me I delete/unmatch if not interested so was hoping it just meant wasn't on the app to read!!

Sorry everyone I’m about to do a huge brain dump. Feel free to pass on by but I need to make sense of it all.

So after my, bud everyone Mr Unsuitable and I are in a relationship etc etc things have gone tits up. Typical really I’d just settled into things and accepted it as a relationship. It’s mainly his business and also his pig headed ness. He’s basically working every day til 7 so he has hardly any time. His business is struggling or actually it isn’t struggling it started 3 months ago and isn’t breaking even yet. As you would expect. So now he’s so broke he’s living on the premises. And he’s trying to get night warehouse work. We’ve had a few small rows about him being thoughtless recently but I accept he has no time. Something mentioned by a lot of you just now, I only have three evenings a week so I’m happy not to see him that much. It suits me. Anyway he was supposed to come over for food and a film last night but a friend turned up to do some work for him. It took longer than expected so he couldn’t make it. I was pissed off, he was pissed off. He basically said I should go and find someone else who can do nice things with me and take me out. He doesn’t have the energy for it. He can’t afford the train fare to come over. He’s right really. And I’m devaststed. He’s so Unsuitable and so warm and so unique I don’t want to let him go. Oh I will post more later and reinstall the sodding app and read Mr Sodding unavailable. Going for a cuppa with friend to weep 🙄

@notmrscookie I agree with everything that's been posted on this. It doesn't add up. How long have you being seeing him and what is it you want from him? I'm fairly sure my iron lives with his mum. Because I don't want anything serious (one major reason being his living arrangements aren't those of a grown man) I haven't pushed him on this. When we meet for sex he pays for a hotel. We are friends on FB and he was in a serious relationship with a friend of a friend so I know he's not living with a partner.

I don't think anyone could work FT and care for elderly parents with dementia. So he's either with his wife (which is what you said earlier I thought?) or with his parents for an easy ride. Which mortgage will be paid off in 5 years? His with his wife? Seems immaterial if they are going to sell and split the equity. And why would that stop him from renting a flat now?

You have your own home which is fully paid for. Wouldn't you want a man in a similar position to you?

@notmrscookie - just need to step in to say I'm in a similar situation to MrPoshCar. Or possibly worse as I live with my ex. My ex-definitely knows we're separated (she has a girlfriend) and I actually sent my current squeeze MissSoviet a link to her facebook profile so she could ask her. She hasn't taken that up, says she trusts me.

But check my username. I've tried to be upfront about how I'm still entangled, how I can't get on the standard relationship escalator, but I'm still worried MissSoviet is getting over invested. Or that might just be me self-sabotaging.

(I've been meaning to join in this thread for a while explaining my circumstances in more detail, but hadn't got round to it. But since MrPoshCar seemed to be in a similar place (including playing around in the back of a car - honestly had a panic you actually were MissSoviet for moment, but luckily my car is anything but posh) thought I'd pop in quickly.
I'll write a longer post later, expecting I'll get a bit of a shoeing)

Thanks @WhatWhyWhen and @Batshit - I downloaded Bumble last night, might do Tinder soon, once more into the breach...!!