Dating thread 168: The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

@HairyArsedMan I find that bizarre, why wasn't she feeling it? Is she someone who needed to be convinced you were worth hanging onto?

Ok...bit of advice needed please:

I don't know if anyone remembers Mr Art who I dated for a few weeks while MrSAS and I were 'on a break'. A bit younger, lived with parents, no car, no kids...

Anyway, we have stayed in touch as friends and admittedly over the summer while MrSAS was cooling off and I was on holiday, the messages got a bit, erm...personal Mr SAS was a bit crap at messaging and there was never much emotion in them, let alone naughtiness.

He messaged me last night while I was out with MrAd, just a hi, how are you doing type message so when I got home I replied in a similar tone. He asked me when I was going to see his new place and I said something along the lines of 'when I can be sure nothing else will happen' and he made a joke that that would be ages.

I've just had another message saying hi and hope your day's going well. I don't want to be a b*tch as he's done nothing wrong and is a nice guy, but I don't want to start things off with MrAd by getting into inappropriate messaging with someone else and I know that's where he hopes it will lead.

Do I just keep my replies few and polite or do I need to drop in that I'm seeing someone? I know it's only been one date but you know what I mean.

Sorry to hear @HairyArsedMan...sounds very sudden.

@HairyArsedMan That post was heartbreaking, I literally welled up reading it. I dont know what to say other than mourn it, be grateful for the time you together, sometimes timing is just shit for one or both of you and in a different time and place things may have worked out who knows 🤷‍♀️. Big hugs for you lovely, Heartbreak Hotel is a lonely place when you first check in, but you know you'll check out a stronger person, but it fucking stings. We're all here for you. This gang got me through being dumped out of the blue after 4 months by MrAbs, so don't go to ground and leave us. It would be easier if she'd been a complete head fucker, and you could say you had a lucky escape, but she wasn't and that makes it worse in some ways🌻🌻

@Coffeeandchocolate9 4.5 months with MrC now - DD and I will be driving down to his later today for dinner and a sleep over, then he's taking us for a day out together tomorrow. As I'm on mum duty this week it was the only way we could see each and he says he can't go a week without seeing me 😳 so it was his suggestion for the visit.

@Sunshineandflipflops Squeeing all over the place for you here.😀

At the end of term my DD was allowed a poster off the wall at school. The one she chose said this:

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow".

I think we're all being courageous in our own way - setting boundaries and standards, standing up for ourselves, not being walked over, putting ourselves out there to be criticised and attacked by complete strangers and still doing it all again, time after time until we find the one that made it all worthwhile.

@HairyArsedMan ouch that must hurt. I'm sorry to hear of that.

Hairy and a man hug from me. That's awful. We're here for you.

@HairyArsedMan Ugh i'm really sorry to hear that. How long had you 2 been seeing each other? It's really hard when things seem to have been absolutely fine, great even.

Yes @shitwithsugaron, you are right. I don't want to mess anyone about but I'm thinking we've gone to far beyond 'friends' to just be friends now...

@Aleesha1 I have to take what she said at face value and respect that and respect myself. She cares about me but somewhere the attraction has gone - she said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me in that exchange of messages after the call, and didn’t want to hurt me.

@Sunshineandflipflops Just say you are in early stages with someone you’d like to focus your attention on, and that the messaging would have to go on hold.

@HairyArsedMan was it on this thread you posted about what happened? I'd like to read as I missed it too.

He's sent another message which is clearly trying to lead me to the more than friendly response so I am just not going to reply. I am a big chicken.

I've been lurking for ages but finally brave enough to join!
I did OLD many years ago and remember it being tough then! I'm over 50 and over weight! Which sites would anyone recommend?

@supercali77 Around 3 months, the dreaded 3 months ! I know it’s a short time; it was the lovely attraction, great connection and potential that grew so quickly within that.

@Sunshineandflipflops - Yes it was on the previous thread, which added to the doom laden nature of it.

Thanks for supportive comments folks, I think I’ll stick around and learn as plainly I know nothing!

Oh @HairyArsedMan I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending hugs xx

@Sunshineandflipflops I would tell him. I'd hate it if someone couldn't be just honest with me and I'm sure you would feel the same. It's hard but I think just saying something along the lines of... you've just started dating and it's going well. So want to see how that goes

Aliiii Welcome. Have a look at the first post of the thread. There is a link to an explanation of most of the OLD sites.

There is no one right answer as to a "best site", they all have ups and downs. Remember it's a huge numbers game, and that there is someone for everyone.

Ok, I've sent it. A breezy reply to his question and then an 'actually, I've just started dating someone...early days but I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes...have you been back on the dating scene yet?'

He's replied that he's happy for me and no, not yet.

God, I hate doing things like this, which is why I get walked over I suppose.

Aw @HairyArsedMan that's just how I feel about Mr S. I felt our connection was so good. When I contacted him again he said how much he missed me and the things he said made me see he really did and was hurting. It all made no sense to me. It feels so pointless. But for him it wasn't right. And I have to accept it. No matter how great I could see things being. Xx

Oh @hairy even just reading about that closure was painful. I can't imagine how it felt for you both. I hope in time the respect you've both shown to each other at such a sad time helps your healing

Be kind to you

@aliiii I recommend in this order Hinge, Bumble, OK Cupid, Happn, POF/Tinder. It will vary for everyone though.

@Sunshineandflipflops That putting a your eggs in one basket step is hard, but I think you need to send MrArt the "I've met someone and had a couple of dates. In all fairness and because I like to treat others as I would like to be treated, I'm not going to carry on messaging anyone else in anything other than a friendship capacity, more than happy to do that if you want to but understand if you don't".

I did have a week overlap with MrC and MrPlumber and it didn't sit well with me at all, it felt too deceitful so I sent MrP the "Dear John" message and put all my eggs in MrC's basket. It was the right call for me fortunately. MrP and I are still in contact as friends though, we still have a great connection and just "get" each other. No messages are sent or received that I wouldn't be happy for MrC to see though, honesty and loyalty are so important to me in a relationship.

Thanks for your advice guys. I have a feeling I probably won't hear from him again but that's up to him. I don't want to start a potential relationship off with secrets or dishonesty when MrAd is being so open and honest with me about his life.