Girl getting changed in front of boyfriend?

[Solar95]

Let me start off by saying I think I'm being overly paranoid here 🙈
My boyfriend went on a lads trip for 3 weeks, we had a big issue with a secret snapchat and him lying about some messages from an ex, still currently working through that.
He showed me a video of his mates mucking around and the only girl on the trip was just getting completely changed in front of them all. Now obviously I'm not comfortable with this, I do think it's a bit inappropriate but not for one second do I think anything has gone on between them.
My issue is with the way I found out. If a guy friend for completely naked in front of me I'd mention it to my boyfriend but he hasn't once brought it up and I've found out through this video. I don't think he meant to show me her getting undressed. Nothing has been said but I feel like a boundary has been crossed but am I over reacting?

I personally wouldn’t but it doesn’t mean others shouldn’t. I hated communal changing rooms in clothing shops, back in the day when they were a thing.

However, it’s very telling that the female has been the target of the most disdain and the OP didn’t even bother mentioning the men getting naked until much later.

I remember when I first moved to the Netherlands and went to a mixed sauna (I mean there weren’t any other kind) , Some people aren’t hung up about there bodies and I don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing.

I didn't mention it because I only found out myself so please stop assuming I'm shaming this girl or whatever

I'm just going to clear things up here, I personally feel like it's inappropriate for a girl I don't know to get undressed in front of my boyfriend plus 8 or whatever other guys. I wouldn't do it and I would also feel uncomfortable of one of my guy mates got undressed in front of me whether or not there was other people around, it just makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not worried about this girl doing anything with my boyfriend or him doing anything with her. My original question was about the way I found out about it, it was weird seeing a girl I don't know getting changed in front of him plus other guys in a video. I've spoken to him about the fact it's inappropriate to have that video and he showed me messages from her saying she didn't care about it and was laughing about it.
I personally don't even get changed in front of my own female friends and it to me just felt odd

Its not shaming the girl to be completely clear that what shes doing, and i honestly think the lot of them sound like teenagers. Shes clearly a coolgirl, not like other girls. Gets naked in front of all her guy friends. Just doesnt mind being naked etc, and they just see her as one of the boys.
yeah right.

Im not saying your boyfriend is shagging her. Im saying the whole situation is a headfuck for the girlfriends back at home, and an absolute delight for the men.
She has safety in numbers, so is probably a bit protected, which im pleased about, but it would definitely make me feel weird about his holiday

so hes also messaging her, to tell her youre not cool about it, and shes laughing? hmm

No, it was people saying it was inappropriate for him to have that video of her so he messaged her to let her know what was on it and that he never meant to video her like that and she thought it was funny and didn't really care. I obviously haven't met the girl and I don't know if she is treated like one of the lads so I dont feel like it's a good idea to tell her I wasnt OK with it

a quick change of clothes without hanging around or flaunting my body

This is the key difference for me. I would turn my back for a quick strip off, say after getting soaked through during a walk to put in dry clothes as quickly as possible. That would be very different to any 'flaunting'.

There was a famous occasion in our group when one girl insisted on going round the other side of a hedge to get changed , only noticing after it was too late that there were actually loads more people on the other side of that hedge.

No one should be taking pictures never mind sharing the pictures with others

Delete the video.

Would you be so bothered if she was aged 50 plus, 20 stone and had a moustache??? I agree with PP that there is a lot of projecting going on here. Presumably all the guys being naked is not a problem??

Yeah I'd still find that uncomfortable. All the guys being naked to me is strange as well. As I said I don't feel comfortable with me being naked in front of my mates or vice versa. Again if that had happened to me I would have told my partner, I just thought it was weird he never mentioned it

it wouldnt happen though would it. Why would a 50 year old woman be going on holiday with 8 men alone and getting naked in front of them, whether theyre 20 stone or 9 stone?

Im assuming theyre not all nudists

It is very odd behaviour. They're all having a laugh in the room and she just gets naked and gets changed infront of them when there's a bathroom that could easily be used? Why would anyone do that unless a) they're very comfortable or b) they want the attention. The fact that she's fine about it being filmed suggests the latter. If she was comfortable and never gave it much thought, she would only be comfortable infront of them but knowing it's on video and will probably be passed about and she's just laughed about it, says it all really.

I think as you age and your friends get partners etc, you need to be a bit more respectful and think about what you're doing. I wouldn't get naked infront of a group of men knowing they have partners whether I felt comfortable or not. I know their partners and possibly they wouldn't be comfortable with it so I wouldn't do it.

When I was late teens early 20's, I started hanging around with a group of people. There was two guys that shared a flat, a girl and her boyfriend who lived together elsewhere then a fifth friend that lived himself. I joined and it made 6. The 5 of them had been friends for 4/5 years after meeting at college. ALL the guys fancied the girl, who had a boyfriend as I said above and she played on it like nothing on earth. I started seeing one of the guys that shared a flat with the other and I remember all 6 of us being at his flat for drinks and I went to help one of the others set up the DVD player (I know, I'm old 😂) and I barely got my arse off the seat and she jumped in it and had her arms around the guy I was seeing, licking his face then whispered (I heard it clear as day) "you still have a soft spot for me don't you". I couldn't believe this girl honestly. I ignored it but saw her do the same with the other guys everytime her boyfriend wasn't looking. She too would just get changed infront of everyone and would tell me the bathroom was free for me to get changed (I wouldn't get changed infront of the guys anyway). She was a proper attention seeker and I felt sorry for her boyfriend. Another night of it a week later and I got up and said right guys, I'm off. The one I was seeing got up and came and asked quietly where I was going and I said hmmm, home to my bed as I don't want to be part of this 6 person orgy type thing anymore. He knew straight away what I meant and said he would come to mine. I said no thanks and as I left she said "good, she was a boring cow anyway". She was probably just grateful to have all the guys to herself again! I pinched one of their attention for all of a couple of weeks and she didn't like it.

Just be weary is all I'm saying. Some women can get very comfortable in their group of guy mates and like to be Queen Bee!

It is inappropriate. It's a natural part of growing up when male and female friendships have more boundaries in place, probably out of respect of their partners.

Male/female friendships generally get more reserved, less playful, less affectionate and so on as people get older.

It just happens. It doesn't need to be spoken about or discussed, it's just a normal things that happens in society and among friendship groups as the people get older.

What’s all this respect for the partners bullshit, she owes the partners nothing because she isn’t in a relationship with them. And yeah, you are shaming her because that’s where your focus and other respondents is.

So rather than edit or delete the video, he’s getting her permission to keep it, your mind is never going to get a moments peace with this one.

Speaking of ‘Cool girls’, you are desperately swatting away misgivings about this boy’s behaviour. You don't trust him and your difference in values, will become increasingly apparent with every incident of ‘didn’t I tell you’ and ‘it’s nothing’ that crops up. Waiting for the inevitable next time will impact your MH.

Good luck.

Cool girl’s, Queen bee etc God, the vocabulary that some women will use to tear another woman down for having the audacity of being in the presence of their poor unsuspecting man.

Exactly agent.

But my key worry is still the video. He should have deleted it as soon as he realised she was naked on it. If he hasnt deleted it from his phone and the group chat he needs to do that.

Why is there so much attention focused on what this woman is doing?

She has nothing to do with the OP, and whatever her behaviour is, the OP can't change it or do anything about it.

She can only discuss her partner's behaivour with him. Personally I don't care if someone changes in front of people, the messages etc is something far far worse.

Was the girl aware she was being filmed?

Sorry, have just seen she did know. I still think your partner was really wrong to a) film it and b) share the video, though.

But my key worry is still the video.

Mine too and that it is in the hands of an idiot who apparently was concerned enough to pan away but not concerned enough to edit or delete it. The maturity level of this bloke and friends doesn’t seem particularly high.

Agent please read what I've actually said before you go on your rants. He did not realise she was getting changed and had already shared the video with her and his mates in the group chat. As soon as I pointed it out he apologised to this girl who did not care she was being filmed. If you're OK with getting completely naked in front of all your guy pals then good for you but a lot of women think it's wierd and disrespectful because the naked adult body is seen as private and usually something sexual. No one is tearing her down for being in the presence of men 😂 she has literally stripped off on front of a group of guys without any consideration for how they might feel or how they're partners might feel, which isn't the norm. Same goes for the guys being naked in front of her, no consideration for their partners there or that girl at all which is crossing a boundary that most people would not be comfortable with. I don't know why I need to explain to you why this would make people uncomfortable but also calling a guy an idiot for apologising because he didn't realise he was filing a girl getting changed and once he did apologised and for told its absolutely fine and she found it funny is tearing someone down. If you can't be bothered to read the full theard and understand what is going on please don't comment. He doesn't have the video on his phone anymore. All this respect for partners bullshit is actually really important. I would expect my friends to respect my partner and vice versa or why would you be friends with them? It's not about owing someone she doesn't know anything it's about her own friends and respecting the relationships they are in. I am not desperately swatting anything away, I am updating the thread on what he has said. Trust me I wasn't happy about the fact I thought he was filming a girl getting changed but he did not realise!!!!

Ahhh and there we have it, full circle. Now you’ve reached the conclusion that his behaviour is not problematic you can now move on. I’m glad I’ve assisted you in your back-pedal journey. You’re welcome.

May I suggest that you tattoo him with a warning that you’ve called dibs, so that womankind knows that your sensibilities need to be considered first. He of course doesn’t have to meet the higher standards you set for women you don’t know because he’s an innocent and doesn’t understand the ‘rules’ like women should.

What are you talking about? I've literally said the guys getting naked in front of her wasn't OK as well because they didn't consider thier partners? You're taking everything out of context. It has nothing to do with me holding women to a higher standard, I told him he shouldn't have that video, shouldn't have filmed it when she was changing, what exactly do you expect me to do? I've also stated very clearly that I don't know this girl, wouldn't for one second think that she would try anything on. It's not got anything to do with feminism which you're trying to make it about. I have this boundary, which I realise other people don't. It's not just about relationships. I wouldn't be comfortable with my friends getting naked in front of me, again my own personal boundary. There is no need for the sarcasm. I've also stated that I would've thought this would have been something my partner discussed with me, not saying I would be angry at her getting changed because I'm not (again I think it's weird and is something I feel should be done in private, same with the men getting naked in front of her, just plain weird and there's no need) plus the fact that you're talking about tearing a girl down because she got naked in front of all these guys isn't OK yet you're quite happy to tear me down for not being OK with it is so hypocritical. Absolutely no need for it

There’s nothing wrong with your ‘norms’ but they aren’t shared by everyone. Hostels, dorms are an environment where people just aren’t so hung up about their bodies.

I stayed in a hostel in Malaysia where a man from Milton Keynes (hey random naked man) wore nothing but sandals and a money belt. Definitely not my thing but he clearly didn’t care and we all stopped caring after a while too.

I make no apologies for questioning the vitriol directed at this woman and her possible motives because it is a double standard and I’m sick of it.

My issue is with the way I found out. If a guy friend for completely naked in front of me I'd mention it to my boyfriend but he hasn't once brought it up and I've found out through this video.

Now that you believe his behaviour to be totally innocent, there really isn’t anything more to add.

In many other European countries this wouldn't be an issue at all. In Finland most young men and women in friendship groups have seen each other naked in the sauna, for example.

May I suggest that you tattoo him with a warning that you’ve called dibs, so that womankind knows that your sensibilities need to be considered first. He of course doesn’t have to meet the higher standards you set for women you don’t know because he’s an innocent and doesn’t understand the ‘rules’ like women should.

This was totally out of order. I have not held this woman to a double standard either. If you're prepared to to make assumptions about me because you can't read the whole thread and automatically assume I'm paranoid and no women ever is allowed to do anything that makes me uncomfortable then you need to think about your double standards.