Girl getting changed in front of boyfriend?

[Solar95]

Let me start off by saying I think I'm being overly paranoid here 🙈
My boyfriend went on a lads trip for 3 weeks, we had a big issue with a secret snapchat and him lying about some messages from an ex, still currently working through that.
He showed me a video of his mates mucking around and the only girl on the trip was just getting completely changed in front of them all. Now obviously I'm not comfortable with this, I do think it's a bit inappropriate but not for one second do I think anything has gone on between them.
My issue is with the way I found out. If a guy friend for completely naked in front of me I'd mention it to my boyfriend but he hasn't once brought it up and I've found out through this video. I don't think he meant to show me her getting undressed. Nothing has been said but I feel like a boundary has been crossed but am I over reacting?

Yeah, you’re not alone in holding women to a ‘higher’ standard is sadly not shocking.

I bid you goodbye and I hope he’s worth your investment. 👋

I go away youth hostelling a few times a year with a mixed group of friends. I've shared both a 4 bed room with one couple and a 6 bed room with mixed sex singles (some of whom have partners/spouses elsewhere).

We have no issues getting changed in front of each other - I've seen everyone in their underwear (even the married men). I'm not really bothered who sees me in my bra but wouldn't be topless and change bottoms discreetly.

I'm going away with some different friends in a few weeks time. I'll be sharing a room with a couple who are married. We've already seen each other in various states of undress because we've been camping in a group together. So I shan't be taking myself off to the bathroom to get dressed and I wouldn't expect either of them to either.

I do find the comments about it being 'disrespectful' to the men's wives/girlfriends a bit odd. Along with suggestions that he should have told you. I can see how it might come up in a "And then I turned round and X had got their kit off!" conversation but not in a "I must inform you of something" way. I don't think it's disrespectful to get changed in front of someone else if you have a partner. My body is not owned by someone else.

I find that the 'social norms' around getting changed/undressed etc aren't quite the same in group situations/hostelling/camping as they are in every day life. I wouldn't dream of getting changed in my doorway for the neighbours to see at home but think nothing of getting changed with my tent open for the extra room/light/air even when there are strangers milling about.

However, I'm trying to imagine a scenario when I'd be totally naked getting changed and I can't really. That would feel unnecessary. But just because I can't imagine it, doesn't mean other people wouldn't.

So, to sum up, I don't think the girl getting changed is much of an issue. I think taking and keeping the video is. I think the lying is. And I think deliberately showing you is.

To be clear, I'm a 45 year old woman. I'd notice if there were a naked woman in the background of a video I was taking - esp if the background was just the other side of the room was in. A 20something bloke? He definitely noticed.

I think he was well aware that you would see it when he showed you the video. And I think he showed you to make you feel exactly as you are feeling now.

To answer your OP, I do not think it was wrong of him not to have told you.

I wouldn't tell my husband if a male friend stripped of in front of me and others (in the same situation, obviously). What would be the point? I wouldn't be able to change it and I see no point in potentially making him feel insecure.

If it was my husband in this situation and he come home and told me what had happened because he thinks I should know I would worry about what the fuck is wrong with him.

*stripped off!

Private strip trade from This girl I’d be annoyed, a room where they were staying and she got changed, not a big deal just move on

In my early twenties when my figure was great, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. Today in my fifties - no bloody way - knicker twist on the beach with a beach towel.

"Doesnt make her a bad person, but it would get MANY womens hackles up around her, and its unsisterly. Shes not a girls girl."

What the hell is the point of debating her nature? How does it impact the OP? any issue she has is with her partner and his wandering eye.

My husband could be thrown into a vat of naked supermodels and I'd trust him. Doesn't sound like the OP can say the same for her man.

I didn't know if I should believe the whole I didn't even notice. I think it should be a case of I should be secure enough in my relationship that a girl getting naked in front of my boyfriend shouldn't set alarm bells off which unfortunately it has. I'm going to be pissed if he has noticed her getting changed and still continued to film, totally disrespectful to that girl even if she doesn't care.

@twocanplayatthatgame, I train with women and we are regularly getting undressed in the same small places, but no one strips off completely naked, women might occasionally turn around to change from sports bras into bras etc. so we can see each others backs but no one just strips off to completely naked no matter how small the changing space is, people often pull tops down as little skirts etc. to change their knickers etc!

and one of my hobbies is burlesque where we all cheer on each others sexiness, are regularly in very intimate positions with each other lol and we've all got really comfortable with our bodies, sometimes we might end up flashing each other in our dances by accident etc. and no one bats an eyelid.....but I still wouldn't go full vagina in front of everyone when it can be easily avoided!!

But you know he noticed cause he panned the camera away? I dont know why you keep disregarding that point?
Im sorry you are going through turmoil.
She is not the problem he is.
And if it was a mixed group hol he should have invited you really.

"What the hell is the point of debating her nature? How does it impact the OP? any issue she has is with her partner and his wandering eye."

^I agree with this. And his keeping (and worse sharing) of a video of a naked mate. I'd be mortified if someone made and shared a video with me naked in the background, even if it was an accident/they hadn't noticed, although if I thought it was intentional, that would clearly be a lot worse.

Do you ever see her? Could you tell her you're sorry about your dp sharing that video, he's an idiot for not not noticing her in the background etc, and see how she reacts? She may actually be really embarrassed, but trying to brazen it out, in which case your bf should be aware of how he's made her feel. I know she said it was fine, but I'm thinking maybe the sort of blokes who didn't notice the naked woman in a video (d'oh! if true), might not pick up on the fact she was actually annoyed or upset.

I actually said that to him today, the video has been deleted for anyone wondering. I explained that just because she said she was cool with it doesn't actually mean she is. I know I'd be mortified and that he needs to be more conscious of this stuff because it's not OK. It's creepy and that poor girl has now been exposed to all those guys. I mean they all probably seen it when it was happening but thats still it the point

I don't see her, I've never met her. She doesn't really hang out with that group all that often so I don't know when I'd even get the chance to bring it up

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I wasn't invited because I have a full time job and I'm still breastfeeding. Plus it was a holiday for him and his mates, not really something I'd want to intrude on

@Solar95
Ah fair enough re job and baby Is he the babies Dad or is this a relatively new relationship?
But if you were able to, why would you be intruding? You're his gf?! Do you not do things with his/yours/shared mates?
There was another girl the group so it wasnt a lads hol.
You have met his friends??

Sorry if that looks a little jumbled! I edited what i was saying halfway through.

He's not babies dad and it's been just over a year so fairly new 😊 I've met most of his mates and I get on with all of them it's just because they all went to high school together even the girl so it was kind of like a reunion trip? Plus backpacking for 3 weeks is not my thing 😂

Ahhh that isnt sounding too bad then. Alarm bells if you'd never been introduced.
Well, only you know deep down how you feel about this guy and how he makes you feel. Just maybe emphasise to him that you do trust him, but he needs to make sure he doesnt give you any reason not to trust him. You have a young baby you dont need the stress.
Tell him quite plainly that if he isnt serious about you then not to waste yours, and your childs time. But if he is, and he demonstrates he is trustworthy, then in time any insecure ghosts caused by your previous relationship will fade away.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable with this in itself - if it was just the two of them sharing a room on a trip and she got naked in front of him, maybe. But there's no intimacy in front of a load of people in a hostel, and certainly no suggestion she was doing it deliberately to entice your partner. Plus, some friendship groups work differently - I have some friends who are VERY comfortable with nakedness, regardless of who's about! BUT, I'm not everyone, it's not a common thing for mixed gender friendship groups and I can see why it would bother you if your friends aren't like that, so I don't think you're being unreasonable there.

I wouldn't necessarily mention it to my partner if it was the other way round and I wouldn't expect him to 'report' it to me, especially as this wouldn't be particularly unusual for either of our groups of friends, so in that aspect I think YABU.

I'm definitely feeling that the paranoia coming from all of this is due to my past experiences which of course isnt fair on him. I'm thinking maybe I just have very different boundaries from what is normal but if he is serious about me I should be able to explain this to him without it being a big deal. I wouldn't have thought she would try and intince my partner, I was more worried about him hiding it because he may have seen it in a different light? Again, that's probably coming from my past experience if abuse and to always assume the worst, all of this has made me realise though I do probably need to seek some professional help with these issues I have. Thank you so much for everyone's input, it has really helped and made me really think about my own issues

Obviously, it's up to you - your boyfriend; your life n all.

But your update doesn't seem to reflect what most people have been saying at all. As far as I can see.