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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over reacting... husband takes put 5 year old.

206 replies

2unicorns · 26/08/2019 17:56

So yesterday my husband said there was a family charity fun day in the local pitch where we live. Our housing area is beside it but to gain access to it it's the long way around about a 5-10min walk. So he took the 5 year old over, I stayed at home with youngest because I'd so much washing to catch up on

I thought they would be home teatime.. no sign. They had dinner there.. bbq so it was approaching 7pm/7.30 and I reminded him that she was due a bath and that she had to come home. He reassured me that she was fine and playing a game of cricket with other kids.. 8pm/8.30 im ringing him to tell him to get her home. He starts rejecting my calls between that time. He starts texting me to say he cant talk right now, my alarm bells start ringing. When he did answer his phone in his pocket it sounds like he was inside and there was lots of noise like you would be at a bar.. he hits the phone and I can her him talking clearly sounds like hes been drinking. You know that slurred sound.

So I'm ringing and texting and hes ignoring me. Its pitch black and I know their walk home isnt going to be easy if hes been drinking. Open river etc..

So I phone his dad.. I cant leave the house because the youngest is in bed sleeping.

His dad does with my SIL and she goes in and lifts my daughter and takes her out into the car he follows and comes home. I can see from when he gets home the way he is swaying and slurring he is very drunk.

Am I wrong for being worried, frantic , ringing his dad to come and help. He says there were other kids there he doesnt seem to understand the dangers he put our daughter in. I've already told him it's an arrestable offence as hes drunk and in charge of a child under 7.

Hes saying I'm over reacting, I'm a control freak trying to keep them indoors. I'm at the end of my tether to explain to him anything could have happened to her. I mean she didnt get to bed and asleep until 11pm and she goes back to school tomorrow/Tuesday.

I've never seen my parents drunk when I was younger. She was among smoking adults, I dont smoke. I just dont like the fact she was in an establishment like that even tho it was closed room for the charity function.

He keeps telling me he didn't have much to drink.. that he was finishing up and heading home as his dad turned up but I dont believe him this morning he was apologetic and realised he was wrong and it was irresponsible for him to do that...

Now hes basically saying it was fine and there was no danger that it's me with the problem of being overbearing and over reacting. I just dont know what else to say to him. I've been off with him all day I've not spoken to him only if I've had to.

I'm just so shocked that he doesnt see it as a problem Confused

OP posts:
leomama81 · 28/08/2019 20:02

I can't believe the responses here! And i am no puritan about things like this, nothing wrong with having a few glasses of wine around a child in my view but just one very drunk person in charge of a child (who obviously wasn't being particularly watched if she got burned walking into a woman with a cigarette).

No OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable about wanting your husband to remain more or less capable of taking care of your child. Some people just seem to want to have a go, ignore them.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 28/08/2019 21:30

Astounding level of bullshit on this thread.

“Your husband is an alcoholic, OP” will take some beating though.

And this from a single story of a guy going out for a drink on a family day out and coming home late.

Keep it up, ladies.

leomama81 · 28/08/2019 22:03

Yeah yeah Cloudy that really does say so much more about you. This isn't a story about going for a drink, this is about the sole adult in charge of a very young child getting absolutely smashed to the point of not being able to stand up properly. Nothing wrong with getting drunk but leave your 5 year old at home, eh?

Limt · 28/08/2019 22:05

Hardly a family day out, a drunken father with one child who wanted to go home.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 28/08/2019 22:11

Hardly a family day out, a drunken father with one child who wanted to go home

He was allegedly drunk only for a part of the evening out not the whole day. Unless we want to weave this into the narrative on top of his alcoholism?

Also, why is the fact his child wanted to go home important? Where do I stand when my kids scream to go home when shopping or a theme park?
Am I being an abusive Father when I won’t let my kids have their own way or is this another attempt by you to a demonise a good Dad having a few pints with other families at a cricket festival?

Limt · 28/08/2019 22:22

Cloudy I think you're arguing for the sake of it. He probably is a good dad, just not on this occasion, I think you know that really.

monstermissy · 28/08/2019 22:23

I absolutely understand why you'd be phoning and anxious for them to get home. I understand this cause I've lived with a drinker who 'didn't know when to stop' and I've spent years being nervous around alcohol, events, family events and days out....

CloudyWithAChance2 · 28/08/2019 22:28

I think you're arguing for the sake of it. He probably is a good dad, just not on this occasion, I think you know that really

Eh? Him being a good Dad on this occasion has never been for debate. The question concerned an overreaction.

RedCowboyBoots · 28/08/2019 22:30

YANBU, OP.

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/08/2019 22:33

I totally wouldn't be fine with this- a beer or two at a family event in the daytime/early eve, ok, disappearing off after 8pm drunk with a 5 year old, absolutely not ok. Can't believe the first page of responses here saying this is completely normal. Not in my world it isn't!

RedCowboyBoots · 28/08/2019 22:38

Can't believe the first page of responses here saying this is completely normal

There seems to be quite a contingent of Mumsnet users with substance abuse issues, or at least sympathy towards them. I still remember the thread where the OP was told it is totally fine to smoke weed with young kids in the house. 🤷

Pegase · 28/08/2019 22:47

Not overreacting at all. Taking 5 year old on to a bar / social club till 10pm so he can get drunk is not acceptable.

Mitzicoco · 28/08/2019 22:55

I agree with op

Drabarni · 28/08/2019 23:06

You aren't wrong OP, he was out of order.
Usually when parents are drinking at a function one stays sober.
He was drunk and going to do a 10 min walk near open water with a 5 year old, late at night.
He never told the OP he had a phone.
I smoke but would never subject a child to it.
It would have been fine if OP was there as she would have been the one to be sober and responsible.
If parents think this is right then I pity your kids. We used to take it in turns, as our children's safety meant something to us.

Drabarni · 28/08/2019 23:08

Oh, and you'd keep them out until 11pm at 5 years old when school the next day.
Really?

Branleuse · 28/08/2019 23:13

Getting drunk in charge is out of order if noone else was watching her, but i do think its controlling that you were demanding her home so much over the evening. Its his kid too.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/08/2019 23:18

If you want to go out and get tipsy/drunk, don't do it when you are in sole care of your young child. It's selfish.

GilbertMarkham · 28/08/2019 23:19

CloudyWithAChance2 has got to be on fkg drugs.

No, op you are not wrong.

Totally irresponsible and inappropriate behaviour, your poor kid.

What a fkg twat he is.

GilbertMarkham · 28/08/2019 23:23

Poor kid wanted to go home long before op.sent her relatives out on a rescue mission by the sounds of it. No wonder, that's a really long day for a little kid, totally aside from the tipsy/drunk (selfish) dad.

And kid got burned by some (probably tipsy) oblivious smoker as well.

I'd have to exercise every bit of self control not to repeatedly hit him around the head.

Mitzicoco · 29/08/2019 06:37

I agree with op. Clearly being shit faced and looking after a five year old is not a good combination

Drogosnextwife · 29/08/2019 06:55

Poor menz, can't they just go out and get hammered with their 5 year old, without getting greif from the moaning little woman back home?

Louigoo · 29/08/2019 08:43

Wow, I can’t believe all the shit the op is getting.

Worse case scenario, what happens if something actually happened to dd? If a man is drunk enough to not hit the piss pot when he goes to the loo, how can he be solely responsible for looking after a young child?

Op I would ignore all the negative responses on this thread. You could literally be Mary poppins and people would still find flaws. He was in the wrong, nobody is saying don’t have a couple of drinks but know your limits and put your child first. It’s not that hard.

lineobsession · 29/08/2019 08:56

I too am amazed by some of the responses. You are not being unreasonable. I can completely understand why you were worried and called his dad. I am amazed he thinks this is okay and so many other posters do.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 31/08/2019 00:05

I know this thread has kind of fizzled out but ive just posted a response on a thread about dogs & think it is relevant here. To those who think its ok to get smashed at a social club in charge of a child this is the kind of thing that can happen...

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 31/08/2019 00:06

so going off what@Hairsprayqueeensaid about kids coming over.. was walking our big dog of a breed which ALOT of people are afraid of. He is good as gold but id never take a risk & put him in any kind of situation. Anyway, he is off lead on a dog friendly field (not a park). Small toddler comes running over grabbing at him roughly. My relative whose dog it is nearly had a heart attack. Or dog did not respond to the child, we recalled him & got him on lead & looked desperately for said childs parents. Transpired the kid had wandered over from the social club which backs onto the field & responsible adult had not noticed child wandering around 300 yards!!
Think i may post this on the thread about Op's DH getting pissed in charge of their 5yr old as relevant..