Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over reacting... husband takes put 5 year old.

206 replies

2unicorns · 26/08/2019 17:56

So yesterday my husband said there was a family charity fun day in the local pitch where we live. Our housing area is beside it but to gain access to it it's the long way around about a 5-10min walk. So he took the 5 year old over, I stayed at home with youngest because I'd so much washing to catch up on

I thought they would be home teatime.. no sign. They had dinner there.. bbq so it was approaching 7pm/7.30 and I reminded him that she was due a bath and that she had to come home. He reassured me that she was fine and playing a game of cricket with other kids.. 8pm/8.30 im ringing him to tell him to get her home. He starts rejecting my calls between that time. He starts texting me to say he cant talk right now, my alarm bells start ringing. When he did answer his phone in his pocket it sounds like he was inside and there was lots of noise like you would be at a bar.. he hits the phone and I can her him talking clearly sounds like hes been drinking. You know that slurred sound.

So I'm ringing and texting and hes ignoring me. Its pitch black and I know their walk home isnt going to be easy if hes been drinking. Open river etc..

So I phone his dad.. I cant leave the house because the youngest is in bed sleeping.

His dad does with my SIL and she goes in and lifts my daughter and takes her out into the car he follows and comes home. I can see from when he gets home the way he is swaying and slurring he is very drunk.

Am I wrong for being worried, frantic , ringing his dad to come and help. He says there were other kids there he doesnt seem to understand the dangers he put our daughter in. I've already told him it's an arrestable offence as hes drunk and in charge of a child under 7.

Hes saying I'm over reacting, I'm a control freak trying to keep them indoors. I'm at the end of my tether to explain to him anything could have happened to her. I mean she didnt get to bed and asleep until 11pm and she goes back to school tomorrow/Tuesday.

I've never seen my parents drunk when I was younger. She was among smoking adults, I dont smoke. I just dont like the fact she was in an establishment like that even tho it was closed room for the charity function.

He keeps telling me he didn't have much to drink.. that he was finishing up and heading home as his dad turned up but I dont believe him this morning he was apologetic and realised he was wrong and it was irresponsible for him to do that...

Now hes basically saying it was fine and there was no danger that it's me with the problem of being overbearing and over reacting. I just dont know what else to say to him. I've been off with him all day I've not spoken to him only if I've had to.

I'm just so shocked that he doesnt see it as a problem Confused

OP posts:
RoRosmama · 26/08/2019 21:59

@2unicorns I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I completely agree with you whole heartedly. Jesus there is one particular poster on here who is just one almighty %$¥*#
Some women are nuts! You OP are not one of them

Tongo · 26/08/2019 22:02

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Why didn’t he bring her home at a reasonable time (bearing in mind she’s been out since 1 and probably exhausted) then go back out? Selfish. All about him getting his jollies and having a good time. I personally couldn’t be with a bloke like that, turns me right off. My OH may be a bit boring but I picked him because I could trust he wouldn’t pull shit like that. Doesn’t float my boat at all I’m afraid. You are entitled to your opinion OH. I can’t bear late night boozy type pubs and I wouldn’t want my kids in one. My perogative and it’s yours too.

Thebookswereherfriends · 26/08/2019 22:02

Most 5 yr olds would be knackered by 8pm if they’ve been running around since 1pm. Fine to have a late night, but waiting until it’s dark and way past normal bedtime is not on. It’s sounds to me like he thought he’d have a drink before coming home, but then lost his sense and forgot he had a 5 yr old he was in charge of. I really don’t think you were unreasonable to be hassling him to come home - as pp said if he really wanted a drink why not take dd home and then go back?

SignedUpJust4This · 26/08/2019 22:02

I don't think you are unreasonable. He sounds pretty drunk. I bet your Dad/DIL could've collected your daughter and your OH wouldn't even have noticed til she was gone. Then he'd learn his lesson. A few drinks is fine. He sounds well past that.

isitfridayyet1 · 26/08/2019 22:05

YANBU I would have hit the roof if my husband did this! It's so irresponsible and that's quite a long day out for such a young child.
It sounds like he used the fun day as an excuse to get drunk! Plus I'm sure your daughter would have enjoyed the day at first but probably started getting tired and bored towards the end which isn't fair as it was supposed to be a child centred day out, not a general piss up! I really don't blame you for how you're feeling OP.

Missingstreetlife · 26/08/2019 22:15

Op your husband is an alcoholic, he's in denial and making excuses. He should not ever be left in charge of children (or vehicles) because his drinking is unpredictable. Don't know how you can enforce this, but if social services get wind of his behaviour they will take a dim view of it.
Your dc was scared and at risk. You did the right thing. No point talking to him, he's not listening. He needs to acknowledge his problem.
You can get support from alanon, they have helpline, website and there will be a meeting near you. Seriously think you should consider splitting up if he won't get help. Good luck

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 26/08/2019 23:21

@CloudyWithAChance2 your response says far more about you than it does about OP! The fact you would welcome a drunk stranger in your home (I am presuming a home you share with your children - if you do not have children, then you have no idea the maternal instinct to protect your child- particularly when your dh is not contactable and clearly very drunk) and welcome his urinating all over your bathroom - tells me that you yourself have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol! I seriously hope you are deliberately being obtuse - as otherwise the thought that you would happily get very drunk around your five year old child, or worse- allow strange drunk men around your child - makes me very concerned for the welfare of your children!

Fizzysours · 27/08/2019 07:02

I completely support you on this. Wandering home in pitch dark, drunk, with a 5 year old?? On what planet is this actually ok? Ignore the bizarre people claiming you were being controlling. You wanted your child to be ok. If he was trashed, he would not have noticed her wandering off, being cold, hungry, stressed that her dad was trashed, tired.... people can get trashed, and still be good parents but not like that!!!

EKGEMS · 27/08/2019 15:26

I really,really wonder about some of the previous posters on this thread and their bat shit comments-at least three of you sound like you're writing your posts while sitting in the detox ward at a hospital!

RLEOM · 27/08/2019 17:56

That's a child protection issue. I'd be livid.

BarbedBloom · 27/08/2019 18:20

This thread is weird. I don't understand the culture with regard to drinking excessively to be honest. Being that drunk in charge of a five year old is not acceptable, especially when walking home in the dark beside a river. I remember being little in a room full of drunk adults, it was frightening

mike3 · 27/08/2019 18:31

RTFT and very Shock....looks like a lot of people think it's alright to be drunk in front of (let alone in charge of) your kids.

Seems alien to me, but the number of responses saying the OP was a stick-in-the-mud must mean heavy drinking with your family/kids is a lot more common than I thought.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/08/2019 19:23

Wondering whether OP had a chance to check her husband wasn't on the internet yesterday evening. I thought he might have been on this thread...

Limt · 27/08/2019 20:29

It's always useful when a male poster, in this case Cloudy, helps women understand the workings of their partner's minds.

Useful and enlightening.

Needsomebottle · 27/08/2019 23:30

Late to the debate and not particularly interested in entering it, but wanted to say that I think it's down to how your dynamics currently work.

I like to drink. I do drink until I'm drunk with friends. I have 2 primary age DC's. I've never been "drunk" un front of them. Nor has my DH. And he will go out and get drunk with friends too. That's our choice and how we want to raise our children. We've never discussed it, it's just how things have come to pass. They see me have a glass of wine, they know what being drunk is as we've discussed it and they know we do get drunk.

I would have done the same in your circumstances. If DH took both of our children out at 1pm for a family fun day and they weren't home by bedtime, I'd have rung. In fact, I'd have probably rung or text after a few hours to get an idea of when they'd be back. That's how we work.

However, friends of mine go out every weekend with their DC's and drink until they're drunk with them present. Their DC's are used to it, it's how they live. I don't really have an opinion on it as they've kept their kids safe all these years doing it. Ironically though they have been known to make comments about how we won't drink in front of our kids.

If DH went out and with DC for seven hours, got drunk and still showed no signs of engaging with me by phone or returning home it would be so out of character and not what my DC's are used to that I would be unhappy too.

So after my rambling my point is, what works in your family is what matters, if its away from the norm and he didnt keep in touch then that would be the thing that would bother me. And yes, him being drunk in charge of one so little.

Flyg · 28/08/2019 10:32

I's have been frantic in your position, worried sick, that is horrible.

I'd have been fuming with him. If he wanted to spend time with his daughter, dont get drunk. If he wanted to get drunk, dont go out with his daughter.

Awful, YANBU and your are not being controling or overbearing. He has been a selfish idiot and put your daughter at risk.

LochJessMonster · 28/08/2019 10:43

Bullshit would any of you been fine with your 5 year being out from 1-11pm, with a drunk slurring father who you hadn't had any contact from since 8pm and no idea when they were coming home.

LochJessMonster · 28/08/2019 10:47

It's always useful when a male poster, in this case Cloudy, helps women understand the workings of their partner's minds.
Useful and enlightening.

God @Limt I hope that was sarcastic. Cloudy basically said if you aren't happy with your husband being drunk whilst looking after a 5 year old, it will be your fault when he has an affair Hmm

Flyg · 28/08/2019 10:57

Wow some of these replies are unbelievable. It gave me a deeply uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach hearing about SOMEONE ELSE'S 5 year old being in this situation.

whattodowith · 28/08/2019 11:19

I cannot fathom some of the responses on here. I would also be absolutely livid if my DH did this, even with my 9 yo let alone a 5yo! Being out for nine hours solid until 10pm is exhausting for a child and they had expressed a desire to go home.

I don’t understand why your DH didn’t return the child home then go back to drink if that’s what he wanted to do. How is a drinking session fun with a small child in tow? It’s just plainly inappropriate and poor parenting.

LannieDuck · 28/08/2019 13:47

Totally agree with you OP. She's only 5 - way past her bedtime by 9pm. He could easily have brought her back home and then gone to rejoin the party.

I also agree that a sober man doesn't piss all over the bathroom floor. Someone who's that intoxicated absolutely shouldn't be in charge of a young child.

Charlou19 · 28/08/2019 17:30

Wow! You need to lighten up!
He is her parent also!
Very controlling behaviour imo

Limt · 28/08/2019 18:43

I wouldn't leave a 5 year old with a drunken childminder.

What's the difference?

MsDogLady · 28/08/2019 19:11

Yes, he is her parent, which makes it all the more disturbing that he prioritized getting smashed over her well-being.

Needsomebottle · 28/08/2019 19:21

Excellent point in it's simplest form @Limt. Like.