Am I over reacting... husband takes put 5 year old.

[2unicorns]

So yesterday my husband said there was a family charity fun day in the local pitch where we live. Our housing area is beside it but to gain access to it it's the long way around about a 5-10min walk. So he took the 5 year old over, I stayed at home with youngest because I'd so much washing to catch up on

I thought they would be home teatime.. no sign. They had dinner there.. bbq so it was approaching 7pm/7.30 and I reminded him that she was due a bath and that she had to come home. He reassured me that she was fine and playing a game of cricket with other kids.. 8pm/8.30 im ringing him to tell him to get her home. He starts rejecting my calls between that time. He starts texting me to say he cant talk right now, my alarm bells start ringing. When he did answer his phone in his pocket it sounds like he was inside and there was lots of noise like you would be at a bar.. he hits the phone and I can her him talking clearly sounds like hes been drinking. You know that slurred sound.

So I'm ringing and texting and hes ignoring me. Its pitch black and I know their walk home isnt going to be easy if hes been drinking. Open river etc..

So I phone his dad.. I cant leave the house because the youngest is in bed sleeping.

His dad does with my SIL and she goes in and lifts my daughter and takes her out into the car he follows and comes home. I can see from when he gets home the way he is swaying and slurring he is very drunk.

Am I wrong for being worried, frantic , ringing his dad to come and help. He says there were other kids there he doesnt seem to understand the dangers he put our daughter in. I've already told him it's an arrestable offence as hes drunk and in charge of a child under 7.

Hes saying I'm over reacting, I'm a control freak trying to keep them indoors. I'm at the end of my tether to explain to him anything could have happened to her. I mean she didnt get to bed and asleep until 11pm and she goes back to school tomorrow/Tuesday.

I've never seen my parents drunk when I was younger. She was among smoking adults, I dont smoke. I just dont like the fact she was in an establishment like that even tho it was closed room for the charity function.

He keeps telling me he didn't have much to drink.. that he was finishing up and heading home as his dad turned up but I dont believe him this morning he was apologetic and realised he was wrong and it was irresponsible for him to do that...

Now hes basically saying it was fine and there was no danger that it's me with the problem of being overbearing and over reacting. I just dont know what else to say to him. I've been off with him all day I've not spoken to him only if I've had to.

I'm just so shocked that he doesnt see it as a problem

I would have been angry at the fact my DC was out until 10pm and I was being ignored. Like PP say a few drinks and a fun day out, a missed bath not an issue. Pissed, ignoring calls and having to be picked up by a grandparent. I would have killed him.

Cloudy I'd rather be single than with a partner that thought getting drunk while in charge of a child is fine. In fact I'd go so far as to call it neglectful.

Yanbu. Getting drunk whilst looking after a child is not OK. One or two drinks are OK, but bring drunk not ok. Must have been scary for her.

@myriade oh I know... like how bizarre. Like men dont expect the world and then when they dont get it , it's our fault. Birth the kids, clean the house, cook, wash , keep kids alive. When your too tired to have sex with your husband because your getting up through the night with the kids that dont sleep. You juggle work, school runs , house and kids and everything else in between but yet it's the wives fault the husband cheats because he was forced into marriage and forced to have sex for those kids to be conceived but he didnt really think how fucking hard life can get but I'll just let good ol wifey take the blame for it all LOL

Makes me laugh when men blame women for men cheating...

Just fucking grow up and accept your share and be a responsible adult??

I agree with PP, being in charge of a 5 year old and so drunk you are slurring words is neglectful and downright dangerous. I don't blame you for being upset OP, I'd be ropeable.

Cloudy I'd rather be single than with a partner that thought getting drunk while in charge of a child is fine. In fact I'd go so far as to call it neglectful

Completely agree (depending on your definition of drunk).

cloudy but then why are you so sure that the OP was overreacting? Since she was there and you weren't then obviously she knows better than you the state he was in.

@CloudyWithAChance2, oh... I see... a man with an overbearing wife has a life so hard that he just cannot stop himself from having an affair rather than separating and THEN seeing someone else riiight....

@2unicorns, I would have major issues with anyone, husband or not, who is looking after a 5yo AND is getting drunk.
I would also have issues with anyone who is telling they will do xx with my child and then changes the plans so telling me, leaving me having to hunt down information to see what is happening.

On paper going to bed late is less of an issue DEPENDING ON THE CHILD and what you are planning thé next day. My dcs would still have been up at 6.30am, like any other day but would have been grumpy all day. If I had planned something that day, I wouodnt have been happy. My friend dc in the other side just move her waking up time depending in the time she goes to bed and has done so since she was a baby. It wouodnt have been an issue with her.

What would really annoy me is the fact he had ‘organised’ his evening wo a thought about the well-being of his child (was she going to be overtired, what about the next day etc...) or wo a thought about letting you know about the change of plans (I would have got worried tbh)

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/3992628/drinking-alcohol-around-children-drunk-illegal-uk-law-bank-holiday/
I wouldn't normally regard this as a serious paper but it is interesting that yesterday they printed this article - & exactly what it says
Op I would be horrified & worried under the circumstance you have described & anybody who starts arguing with you about whether your husband was drunk when they weren't there? Interesting -one wonders why - are they trolls???

If my partner did this to our child I would leave him. Anyone could of taken your kid! There are sick people in this world. Does he even understand what he has done?

So you are drip feeding them? You know he binge drinks but still allowed him to take your DD? Either you trust him or clearly you do not. So question is now you know because your a 100% right (Your Words), what are you going to do about it?

cloudy but then why are you so sure that the OP was overreacting? Since she was there and you weren't then obviously she knows better than you the state he was in

I’m not sure, I just suspect it from the nature of the posts that followed. I might be wrong.

To be clear about my earlier post - cheating is always the cheater’s fault.
But I’m talking about cause and effect.

I can tell you this- I know of a child carer ( kids club type placement) where this person took a small group of dc to park-someone reported to local police there concerns (she was drunk) & the police came & collected her & the children & took them to police station.
There have been cases of dc being taken away from parents who allow there dc to be unsupervised & note the sun article (& there was another one in the independent) if the child is under 7 it is specifically relevant because the child could get into a dangerous situation. I am not suggesting that op dc are going to be taken into care but if a social worker or a police person even in mufti & off duty had witnessed a situation they would report it your dh would find himself "visited" & warned.

I'd be raging to be honest.

Not because he'd taken my daughter out and it got late, but because he changed the plan without giving you a heads up (ofcourse you'd be worried), he ignored you, he put your child at risk and was a dick.

A sensible person knows a few drinks (when not driving) isn't the end of the world if you know your limits and have others with you to support DC. It's quite a fecking other to be so pissed you can't contact your DP, stand still, go to the toilet properly and have to be picked up by your dad WHILE YOU HAVE YOUR CHILD.

My ex was a dick acting like this without even taking our DD and your situation is exactly what I was afraid of if I hadn't chucked him out.
I hope he's suitably appalled at himself and planning to prove to you this won't happen again.

OP you are quite right to think that this is not acceptable. It is irresponsible and selfish.
I’d be particularly upset that he had ignored his daughter’s requests to go home. Maybe this would be a good place to start a conversation with him - why did he not bring his young, likely very tired child home when she wanted to go? Did the alcohol influence this decision?

OP perhaps next time this happens you should send your hubby round to cloudy- cloudy can sympathise with him and he can piss all over cloudy’s bathroom instead of yours!

OP You are so far from unreasonable that it is ridiculous! Your poor little girl, desperately trying to get Daddy to take her home, only to be ignored and having to stay in a room full of drunks smoking, to the point she gets burned by a cigarette! She is 5 ffs! I hope your FIL and SIL will also have a bloody good go at him!

I have to say though, why didn’t you chuck your toddler in their pushchair and go and meet them and pick your little girl up? I would have gone to collect my dd if it reached 7.30 and she wasn’t home yet.

Your dh has a serious drink problem if he thinks it’s ok to get that hammered when in sole responsibility for his 5yo dd! I would not be letting him take her to any more family days without my being there or an agreement that if he was going to drink then either he went alone or I would collect dd!

I doubt the police or SS would have been very impressed if someone reported your dh and he was stopped on his way home! I personally HATE drunks around children- I hate being around drunks as an adult- they stink of alcohol (and sometimes urine if they can’t aim properly), they are loud, obnoxious, staggering off walls. But at least I understand why they are drunk- a 5yo would be totally confused as to why their Daddy smells, is loud and sounds different. My kids would refuse to go to any relatives who had been drinking when they were babies (even my dh who would come home drunk after a night out and expect to get cuddles from our babies who were up feeding)- both still hate alcohol- the smell particularly!

Just to confirm - I am not suggesting I accompany your dh- 😂 excuse me brain fog has set in. What I mean is that in your shoes, I would tell my husband no more family days without me, or he could take my dc if he promised not to drink, but give him the option of drinking but not until I had collected our dc.

OP perhaps next time this happens you should send your hubby round to cloudy- cloudy can sympathise with him and he can piss all over cloudy’s bathroom instead of yours!

He would be welcome around mine, but @2unicorns would be calling us every 10 minutes, ruining our night.

She's 5! 5, not 11! I think it's totally irresponsible and dangerous and I would never trust his judgement again. I hope your DD is ok and wasn't too scared!

2unicorn I'm sorry you have had some weird responses on here.

But whether he was stone cold sober his 5 yr old child asked him twice to go home and he ignored her for his own selfish reasons, he wanted to stay and drink.

The fact that the OP, FIL and SIL all saw the state he was in and the fact his dad wasn't happy with his behaviour should tell you that he drunk and not tipsy as most of you are trying to make out.

Wow. I can't believe the comments on this.
If my DH did this with my 9 year old (let alone a 5 year old) then I think I'd be close to committing murder. It's one thing having a pint or two with food over the course of a couple of hours. It's something else entirely getting shitfaced with a small child in tow. Down right irresponsible IMHO. OP isn't trying to stop her DP having fun, she just doesn't want her child put in inappropriate and potentially dangerous situations. I think I'd be telling DP that if he can't drink responsibility while in the presence of the DC then he isn't to drink at all unless he knows OP is around to look after the DC. That's not being controlling, it's called being a caring parent.

I would be seriously pissed off of my DH did this, it’s not on getting drunk in charge of a 5 year old, what if something had happened to her whilst Daddy was getting pissed up at the bar, rare but it happens.

Also ignoring his wife and not letting you know where he and your DD was and how long your were going to be was out of order too

No one should be drunk in charge of a little child. That's not safe or responsible. I think a lot of PPs are focusing on your calling/texting because it sounds controlling and in a normal relationship was very excessive. But if he has form for doing things like this anxiety around him being out for a long time with DC would be understandable. The back story really matters here because otherwise your behaviour was unjustified and over the top. If he was drunk in charge if your DD your not over reacting to be very angry.

No one should be drunk in charge of a little child. That's not safe or responsible. I think a lot of PPs are focusing on your calling/texting because it sounds controlling and in a normal relationship was very excessive. But if he has form for doing things like this anxiety around him being out for a long time with DC would be understandable. The back story really matters here because otherwise your behaviour was unjustified and over the top. If he was drunk in charge if your DD your not over reacting to be very angry.

@2unicorns sorry this post has taken a turn for the worst. I completely agree with u, I'd be raging. Being drunk in charge of a 5 year old is wrong, if he wanted to go and get hammered why not drop her back home first. I don’t think your being unreasonable at all, but it seems he maybe needs help with binge drinking if it’s a serious issue.