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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I over reacting... husband takes put 5 year old.

206 replies

2unicorns · 26/08/2019 17:56

So yesterday my husband said there was a family charity fun day in the local pitch where we live. Our housing area is beside it but to gain access to it it's the long way around about a 5-10min walk. So he took the 5 year old over, I stayed at home with youngest because I'd so much washing to catch up on

I thought they would be home teatime.. no sign. They had dinner there.. bbq so it was approaching 7pm/7.30 and I reminded him that she was due a bath and that she had to come home. He reassured me that she was fine and playing a game of cricket with other kids.. 8pm/8.30 im ringing him to tell him to get her home. He starts rejecting my calls between that time. He starts texting me to say he cant talk right now, my alarm bells start ringing. When he did answer his phone in his pocket it sounds like he was inside and there was lots of noise like you would be at a bar.. he hits the phone and I can her him talking clearly sounds like hes been drinking. You know that slurred sound.

So I'm ringing and texting and hes ignoring me. Its pitch black and I know their walk home isnt going to be easy if hes been drinking. Open river etc..

So I phone his dad.. I cant leave the house because the youngest is in bed sleeping.

His dad does with my SIL and she goes in and lifts my daughter and takes her out into the car he follows and comes home. I can see from when he gets home the way he is swaying and slurring he is very drunk.

Am I wrong for being worried, frantic , ringing his dad to come and help. He says there were other kids there he doesnt seem to understand the dangers he put our daughter in. I've already told him it's an arrestable offence as hes drunk and in charge of a child under 7.

Hes saying I'm over reacting, I'm a control freak trying to keep them indoors. I'm at the end of my tether to explain to him anything could have happened to her. I mean she didnt get to bed and asleep until 11pm and she goes back to school tomorrow/Tuesday.

I've never seen my parents drunk when I was younger. She was among smoking adults, I dont smoke. I just dont like the fact she was in an establishment like that even tho it was closed room for the charity function.

He keeps telling me he didn't have much to drink.. that he was finishing up and heading home as his dad turned up but I dont believe him this morning he was apologetic and realised he was wrong and it was irresponsible for him to do that...

Now hes basically saying it was fine and there was no danger that it's me with the problem of being overbearing and over reacting. I just dont know what else to say to him. I've been off with him all day I've not spoken to him only if I've had to.

I'm just so shocked that he doesnt see it as a problem Confused

OP posts:
prawnsword · 26/08/2019 18:27

The constant calls to demand he bring your daughter home sound overboard. It sounds like he was pushing back against you dictating to him what time DD needs to be home by. Not saying I agree with him, he stayed out too late, you called too early. Neither of you come off looking wonderful here.

You mention a drunken walk home by a river - does your husband have a history of binge drinking/alcoholism/letting you & the family down whenever alcohol is involved ? If so, then can see why you would have been calling frantically.

Otherwise, there is really nothing to say you are more the boss of your daughter than he is - if you trust him to take her out then he should in theory be trusted to bring her home & put her to bed.

Backstabbath · 26/08/2019 18:29

Complete overreaction on your part.
Sounds like you were just trying to spoil the fun.
You were pestering from very early on.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 18:30

OP your original post says:

8pm/8.30 im ringing him to tell him to get her home. He starts rejecting my calls between that time.

Then you say now:

I wasnt ringing excessively until he rejected my first call at 9pm.

?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/08/2019 18:32

YANBU. He was in charge of a 5 year old. He knew she had school the next day. If he choose to get drunk he should take her home first and make sure she is safe. Then he could walk back to his Rugby friends and drink til he drops.
If this is a pattern, you might want to rethink your marriage. Having a binge drinker for a husband/father is NOT better than not having one at all.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 26/08/2019 18:35

The question was about being drunk and in charge of a child nothing else but of course I needed to put abit of background into it...

That’s fine, but the background you put in only served to throw shade on your husband and support your negative view of his actions.
His side of story may sound perfectly reasonable.

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 18:36

Wow ok I didnt expect a backlash like that. He was drunk, he doesnt know when to stop is the problem

And there it is your husband has a drink problem and you key him take a child to a place where you knew he would what would happen.

That's why you were demanding he come home. In a normal relationship, home staying out with the kids isnt an issue.

You le behaviour was quite over the top, if you trusted him

You obviously dont trust him to drink or with your kids. And are right to do so.

But I have to ask, why are you with him?

Moominfan · 26/08/2019 18:37

I don't think Yabu. We go to the pub with our toddler. Usually for food then home in time for bed time routine. I think pubs are generally adult environments and not suitable for kids unless it's a family kind of place. Day before school is pretty and selfish of him

2unicorns · 26/08/2019 18:37

I'm 100% on my reaction is valid. He has a massive hangover today for someone who wasnt drunk. I'm not here because I think I'm wrong.

I just wanted to show him that being drunk and in charge of our 5 year old daughter was inappropriate and irresponsible.

I mean piss all over the downstairs toilet floor for someone who wasnt drunk.

He is a binge drinker, is last bout was xmas hes been great since. It's like hes fallen off and didnt care that he was with his kid.

Would any of you let yourself get s**t faced whilst you had a 5 year old? I certainly wouldnt and couldn't and especially let them see me in that state.

His dad wasnt too happy with him and he agreed with me.

I've been to parties , family functions with my kids where I've had a glass of wine or two with my dinner. I'm talking 2 glasses over a 5 hour stint. We are talking 5 drinks in around a 2-3 hour period as well.

I'm sorry I asked the question now.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2019 18:37

I don't think he should have been drinking to the point of slurred speech in charge of your dd.

I think you were a bit precious earlier on in the evening, and I'd have scooped up the toddler and gone and got her myself rather than getting other people involved.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 18:39

well to be fair OP, you didn't mention his history of binge drinking behaviour. That adds another layer of context & would have given your original post more clarity.

Otherwise without knowing that it makes you sound anxious & controlling.

2unicorns · 26/08/2019 18:40

Just for the record. I didnt know there was to be alcohol.

The event started at like 1pm in the pitch. Kids bouncy castle, kids cricket. Bbq.

There was no mention of a do afterwards or a party of any sort so I didnt let him take my daughter to that kind of place.

I thought he was going to a typical fun day the way you would take your kid to the park for a play on the swings.

He had her out from 1pm lunch time until 10pm ...

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/08/2019 18:40

No not over reacting.

howdyalikemenow · 26/08/2019 18:41

I've already told him it's an arrestable offence as hes drunk and in charge of a child under 7.

Is it??? Blimey that's news to me!!!

Op. If your husband has form for this then you already know that his behaviour is unreasonable and you need to take steps to distance yourself from it. If he is a belligerent drunk who regularly causes a problem then you already know there is a problem. If this is a one off and you just want to vent about him, and are perhaps embellishing a bit for effect?

Nothing wrong with venting but being honest about it is always wise!!

2unicorns · 26/08/2019 18:42

Sorry I meant text... when he didnt answer my text I rang at 9pm...

Like that's the issue here...

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 18:42

I'm 100% on my reaction is valid. He has a massive hangover today for someone who wasnt drunk. I'm not here because I think I'm wrong.

So why the title? Why miss out the back ground.

Because the first half of your post, made me think if dp was demanding I brought ds home I would tell him to fuck off. That we were having fun.

That's the issue. You asked if you were over reacting and the first part of it you were. Until you revealed he cant trusted to be in charge of the kids.

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 18:43

Just for the record. I didnt know there was to be alcohol.

Just a heads up. At these do there is always alcohol. Usually because most parents can be trusted to drink and have their kids.

howdyalikemenow · 26/08/2019 18:44

I'm not here because I think I'm wrong.

Ok then! So you were hoping to show him this thread and make him eat a bit of humble pie???

loveyoutothemoon · 26/08/2019 18:46

You absolutely did the right thing in phoning his dad, no doubt about it, imagine if you had no family living nearby?!

corythatwas · 26/08/2019 18:47

He was obviously quite drunk and definitely not in a fit state to cope if anything had happened to your 5yo. Quite likely it was also upsetting to her to see the person looking after her in that state. She asked to go home so clearly felt uncomfortable.

I have always been perfectly relaxed with the occasional late night, missing out on a bath not a problem, the kind of family do when kids fall asleep under the table fine- but that is because we are all responsible adults in my family. Your husband is NOT. If you can't stop yourself from getting so rat-arsed you are swaying and slurring when in charge of a small child, then there is a problem.

category12 · 26/08/2019 18:48

imagine if you had no family living nearby?!

It was only a short walk away, she was totally able to take the toddler and go get her dd.

Soontobe60 · 26/08/2019 18:49

I’d have gone round with my other child at tea time to pick the other one up rather than wait so long.

EsmeeMerlin · 26/08/2019 18:49

If course he should not have got that drunk while looking after the 5 year old.

However I don’t get why you would be texting and calling him before finding out he was drunk to get her home. If they were having fun then surely he could make the decision to let her stay later. I took my two sons to a barbecue recently, from 1-half 10 when we got home. I was having a wonderful time socialising with some friends while my sons enjoyed playing with all the children there. If my partner was texting and calling me at 7 to get them home when we were all enjoying ourselves then I would have turned my phone off too!

CloudyWithAChance2 · 26/08/2019 18:50

The event started at like 1pm in the pitch. Kids bouncy castle, kids cricket. Bbq.

These events are common place up and down the country by the way in the summer.
Dads/Mums have a drink with their mates afterwards and the kids all play with each other.
You having an issue with your bloke drinking and ability to look after your kid is a different thread, but there’s nothing to see here.

mummyofone1 · 26/08/2019 18:53

Not overreacting, I'd be exactly the same! X

Verily1 · 26/08/2019 18:54

Maybe start another thread in relationships about his drinking in general?

How is it affecting your relationship?

What is his drinking history?

Does he recognise a problem?

Is he part of a drinking culture? (Friends /family)

Swipe left for the next trending thread