Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Thought I would get creative for the sake of talking to Marl - so sorry you are in turmoil over Mr Big. Your friend makes a good point, but only you can know if you can deal with the jealousy. It's hard

Thanks for the new thread Cassettes

Marl
Just thinking out loud, but what's sauce for the gander... Is there anyone you could have a similar date with? Maybe make him jealous?

On completely unrelated news (honest! ) Miss Old has messaged me to cancel tonight She has a daughter in hospital with sepsis, so it's completely understandable, but I'm now at aloose end..

Hi all
I haven't caught up with the other thread yet but I'm back from my festival and have just spoken to MrSAS who has called time on whatever it is we have had.

All my own fault for getting involved again so I don't expect sympathy but the story was we are getting closer and closer and it's turning into a serious relationship and that's not what he wants. He really likes me, blah blah blah, he'd like to be friends, he's fucked up in the head, has attachment issues, blah blah.

He'd been very quiet over the weekend so I figured something was wrong and am not totally surprised but still...

Hope everyone else is doing better than me. If anyone fancied doing a quick catch up for me that would be appreciated.

Oh Sunshine I'm so sorry lovely. HUG!

I'm sure I speak for us all when I say it looked like you two were going to end up together.

Can't imagine how you feel..

Marl - only you know what’s best but I just couldn't cope I’d be beside myself imagining probably worse than the truth. Love average’s idea!!
@Sunshineandflipflops omg. What has prompted that? His loss!
Is anyone else wondering if Ant has been captured during handover?

Hi sunshine sorry to hear that. It sounds very similar to me and Mr S. it really hurts.

marls I don't think you should carry on with Mr Big. It's not jealousy. You have feelings for him and don't want him to be sleeping with exes. That's your very reasonable standard.

FFS Sunshine. I am sorry to hear that!!! Sending a virtual hug. Get in the car, come to mine and lets get sloshed!! bloody awful unavailable men!

Oh crap its not gonna be one of those threads is it?

Thanks Cassettes I didnt have the energy to start a thread.

Thats what my friend said average I AM dating others its just noone is doing it for me. My friend said in someways it is worse for Mr Big as he knows I am looking to potentially replace him if I can find someone who ticks ALL my boxes where he is just having casual sex with a women he knows who lives a long way away. Mr Big doesnt like me dating others but he does not want a committed full on relationship so has said I should date if thats what I want. Its all a bloody mess. I havnt finished him yet. I am going to check my emotions and see how I feel tomorrow.

Tbf our set up is unusual, we have a fab couples account, we have been to a swingers club, had several threesomes and a 5way and I dont want to give that up BUT the idea of him spending the night, cuddling her to sleep etc makes me feel sick

marlboro The problem with dating when you have the feels for someone else is....you just never get past the hump. Part of you is hung up and comparing. They need to be flushed to get past it. Is mr big seriously upset and mulling over the fact that you're out dating?. It doesnt matter either way. Your own feelings are valid, they dont become less valid by comparison.

sunshine sorry to hear that, what happened?

Oh Marl I'd feel the same I think. Particularly if you've 'played' (in the Fab sense of the word) then there is a level of trust in the relationship, so I understand how you feel. I think it's a good idea to sleep on it.

Sunshine and hugs x

average sorry about your date, will you rearrange?

notcool you have been so strong with Mr S! I DO have feelings for him BUT when we did try excusivity I was really struggling not to swipe and I dont think I would want a real relationship with him for a whole host of reasons, lots to do with my situation but actually also a lot to do with him not been the right guy for me.

sunshine Mr SAS said he is "fucked in the head with attachment issues" Mr Big reckons he is a "wandering, misguided soul" Both twazzocks really but atleast yours doesnt try and romantacise it!

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I was in the same situation, but I was MrBig in the scenario. Have you told him how you feel and what you want going forward? If you do he might stop seeing the previous, if he doesn’t maybe your friends wrong and he isn’t right for you at the moment.

Thank you.

I feel like he's used the same lines on me that he's used with other women. I might be wrong but that's how I feel. Kept saying he really likes me, enjoys my company, etc but that means f all if he doesn't actually want to be with me so I'm letting him go.

I've archived his chats and will delete later, along with his number as I just can't invest any more time or emotion on him.
I told him I won't beg him to stick around and that I won't take him up on his 'friend's' offer as that clearly didn't work our last time and I have enough friends already.

I'm feeling a bit fragile but I have shit loads to do so no time to feel sorry for myself.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 That sounds like a great offer!

sunshine yes the friends offer is bullshit.

marls I really haven't!! It's been incredibly painful. I went back after 6 weeks of NC and he binned me off again. Deleting his number and messages was the best thing I've ever done. It's all out of my hands now. The only good thing was I got some answers and I know for sure it's over.

I'm not saying you are in love with him. But it's ok to have standards and stick to them. Even if The relationship is less conventional in other ways.

Mr S originally said it was a timing issue and he just needed more time. Then said he wasn't in the place for a serious relationship. Despite texting me constantly and seeing me 3-4x a week and hinting about our future. Wanker!!

@Sunshineandflipflops I’m sorry, hope you’re okay x

Sorry to hear that @Sunshineandflipflops , really thought it would end up a happy ever after. Mr Horizontal said the same things to me- really like you, love spending time with you blah blah but I don't want a relationship. I haven't spoke to him in 2 weeks, non of us have said that's the end- pretty obvious! But I've got stuff at his and a birthday present for him I'd stupidly bought ahead of the game 🙈.
Have met someone, yet to name him but I'm going to wait incase I jinx it and it goes tits up. We are both on the same page though and pretty into each other. Will be asking advice on a situation in time from the men!

@Sunshineandflipflops of course we'll give you sympathy. It sucks and I'm sorry it is over. I hope the next man you meet adores you as much as you adore him.

@marlbs to answer your question from the last thread, I think you will need to be able to distance yourself from Mr Big and be able to to turn down your feelings. If there is some way you can reconcile in your head that this is just a FWB and non exclusivity is okay then maybe you'll be okay. I couldn't do it. Exclusivity is a deal breaker for me.

Oh massive xpost @marlbs ignore the above

Another question marlboro is....the relationship being open and honest eg who you're both seeing or sleeping with is one thing....have you been open about how you feel about him going over there?

Take ii
@marlbs interesting you don't want exclusivity with him. Is the answer you don't mind him having sex with others providing you are there too?

Sounds like you are afraid of losing him as a friend and FB which is totally understandable

If you don't want exclusivity with him I think you'll need to accept he is also free to have sex with others.

thank you for the new thread!

ginmel no its very valid thats what I need to decide. Is it just FWB your looking for? Do you always have exclusivity even in FWB?

hmmmm Supercali I told him I was gutted and that I was mad at myself for being gutted and that I was glad he told me. I have not asked him not to go. He said he was sorry I was upset and that he would never set out to hurt me but he didnt offer not to go.

simon I dont know what I want. I am so emotionally damaged at the moment over STBXH that sometimes I just want fun, sometimes I want more. We have discussed emotions over and over but all I get from him is he really likes me but isnt looking for a massive relationship and I swing back and forth between liking him, not liking him, wanting him, wanting something different. I confuse myself and him I think!

Yes I always have exclusivity in FWBs. I am up front about wanting this in early conversations. Of course its dependent on whether we get on but I just tell them I don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others. All my FWBs have felt the same too btw.

ginmel THANK YOU I think that's it!!

We have both dtd with others since I have been seeing him BUT they have been hook ups OR we have done it together. The girl he is meeting was his FWB for at least 6 months, the fab couples account we have was actually theirs and a few months ago we changed all the stuff so it bacame "ours". This included deleting her pics so I know she is very pretty, I know he liked her a lot, I know he considered her a friend. They ended as she met someone and fell in love. Now she is single and has contacted him and he is driving across country for 1 night. I think I am scared he likes her more than me and that I will lose what we have. I guess I was her replacement and now she is back on scene maybe the original was the best

I am so sorry eveyone for making first page all about me.