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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

999 replies

CassettesAreCool · 19/08/2019 12:23

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
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Ginmel · 19/08/2019 13:49

@marlbs if you can't decide what you want, sometimes the answer is to just stop trying to find the answer. It will be there when the time is right.

I think you should put more time into trying to find someone right for you though. Being with Mr B doesn't hold you back from that from finding someone else but having feelings for him does.

Ginmel · 19/08/2019 13:52

Another big xpost. I can understand why you feel that way. Even if he does go back to her, then you need to tell yourself that you do deserve better and to find someone who doesn't want to be with anyone else.

AverageGuy · 19/08/2019 14:03

Marlboro hugs and Flowers I see where you are coming from - it must be awful for you. I bet you feel like you put loads into this relationship, yet she crooks her finger, and he comes running...

You are worth so much more. Flowers

CassettesAreCool · 19/08/2019 14:15

sunshine oof I'm sorry to hear about MrSAS, though not totally surprised sadly. Once you can bear to delete and block you will start feeling better I'm sure. It's a process though, doesn't happen overnight, but being busy helps without a doubt Flowers

marlbs to be honest it all just sounds too complicated for a man who you have said in the past sometimes really struck you as just not being worth it (quality of sex aside). It's hard to turn it off in a second but in the end you may feel better for just saying 'right, that's it, byeee!' now. Leave him to it, it's not working for you.

OP posts:
nomorefrogs · 19/08/2019 14:33

@Marlboroandmalbec34 and @Sunshineandflipflops - sorry you are both hurting today. Hope this leads to better things for you both. I've just name changed as I'm about to divorce abusive ex and don't want him to track me here. But long time mumsnetter. Still not ready to even start swiping but one day I'll get there.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2019 14:48

I've just found out that my (not yet) ex husband has been in hospital over the weekend with a suspected heart attack too. It wasn't thankfully but I spoke to him and burst out crying.

Notcoolmum · 19/08/2019 14:53

I agree with cassettes. I'd be considering a pros and cons list. He seems to be hard work and causes you too much upset for a casual FwB arrangement. I think a FWB should be fun and have shared agreed parameters. Does what he bring to your life outweigh the upset he brings too? And there are more men out there for sex for sure. I have a good casual thing going on and the sex is very good!! Not as intense as with Mr S as the emotional connection isn't the same. But still good!!

ccgirr · 19/08/2019 14:58

Oh man @Sunshineandflipflops the emotions are just all over. Thank goodness he’s okay. What a weekend!
I’m just in a generally bad mood. House I’m buying has been delayed by incompetent mortgage person, mr local posted a song track on fb- footloose- saying gotta cut loose, which in my mind could be about us. And then temptation- saying don’t look back. Trying not to react as know I’m prob over thinking! But very tempted to say if you want to cut loose, cut loose 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt · 19/08/2019 15:10

I'm just quietly de-lurking as I've downloaded an app and may need to call on you for help! I've been following the last thread so wanted to send Flowers to sunshine and marl
I'm only 3 months post split with stbxh and probably nowhere near ready to dip my toe in but I need some distraction. Wary of leading people on but I'll do my best to be upfront. Heading to read the rules now!

CassettesAreCool · 19/08/2019 15:19

ccgirr I identify with the general bad mood vibe but it's more than possible you are reading too much into the FB posts. Maybe just stay quiet for now but be on alert?

keepcalm welcome!

OP posts:
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 19/08/2019 15:31

Wheres the positive stories for the thread?

Welcome and thanks keepcalm

Oh sunshine Flowers

ccgirr how long have you been seeing him? can you ask him if the posts are about you?

notcool the positives outweigh the negatives. He has had some great impact on me. I have stopped smoking (he hates smoking) joined the gym (to keep up with him) started reading again (we have our own book club of sorts) for the most part he makes me feel attractive and confident. He makes me laugh when I am down. He has really helped me navigate a very tricky divorce BUT he doesnt want a relationship and even though I dont really either it hurts my self esteem that he would travel to the other side of the country to shag someone else when I am right here!

Ginmel · 19/08/2019 15:37

@Sunshineandflipflops doesn't rain but it pours Flowers

Ginmel · 19/08/2019 15:39

@marlbs so what are you going to do tonight? Get thee arse back online so you can find a man who won't do that

Notcoolmum · 19/08/2019 15:39

marls good to know he's brought a lot of positives into your life. You can take those things with you if you consider he's had his time. My friend says relationships are 'season, reason or lifetime' so Mr Big might be a reason relationship for the benefits he's brought you. I know I couldn't cope with him choosing to travel so far to sleep with someone else when he could have me. And he knows it upsets you. Only you know what you can handle and what your limits are.

Sorry to hear that sunshine. Glad your ex is OK.

FMFL · 19/08/2019 15:44

@Sunshineandflipflops shit I’m so sorry. I hope you find the strength to delete and block; it will hurt like a motherfucker but possibly the best thing you could do to begin healing. I’m gutted for you, really am. As pp have said, there is a wonderful man out there who will love you with all his heart Flowers

candysroom · 19/08/2019 15:44

Marlb - you said he liked her a lot when they were FWB - perhaps its a bit of unfinished business - you never know - he may get there and think 'why the hell did I travel all this when way when I have Marlb at home?' Fingers crossed and hugs.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 19/08/2019 15:46

notcool that is so right. Reason!

I cant cope with it. He knows I am upset about it but he is going anyway so I am finishing it.

ginmel I have never stopped swiping but those I like seem to ghost before we set up a date and the ones that stick around bore me...honestly Mr Pleasant is sending me (not nice) wall paper sample pics for his downstairs loo!

I am supposed to see Mr Big this weekend, i might find myself someone off fab instead!

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2019 15:53

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Can you find me someone too...?

FMFL · 19/08/2019 15:53

Marls god I’m sorry to hear your news too...what the hell is going on. It’s just shit.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 19/08/2019 15:59

candy maybe he will maybe he wont but the fact he is going even though he knows I am gutted says a lot about his regard for my feelings I think.

Ginmel · 19/08/2019 16:01

Id forgotten that poem @notcoolmum a nice reminder.

Different Types Of Friends
© Sasha17

Published: May 2009

We all have many types of friends,
And in our life they come and go.
But if we can understand their roles,
Then it can be easier to let some go.

Some friends are there for you,
At a time when you are in dire need.
They have come into life for a reason,
Giving you what you require indeed.

But when this reason is resolved,
It often becomes time to part,
Because when the reason is gone,
Both may want a fresh new start.

Other friends are there for a season,
To laugh with and have lots of fun.
But just as seasons come to an end,
Sometimes these friendships are done.

Some people are very fortunate,
To have very special lifetime friends.
Who will remain in their life forever,
And that is a friendship that never ends.

I am lucky and have many lifetime friends,
Who came into my life for a reason.
We've enjoyed many laughs and shed tears,
But they stayed long after a seaso

Source: www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/different-types-of-friends

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 19/08/2019 16:01

Ok sunshine whats your requirements? Grin

Thanks FMFL- really hope its not going to be one of those threads!

Ginmel · 19/08/2019 16:04

No that's not the right one FFS

This one

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Notcoolmum · 19/08/2019 16:05

I've never seen that poem ginmel

Very tired after a hotel night wit Mr B last night. Need a nap!!

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2019 16:09

I like that @Ginmel 🙂

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Someone who isn't emotionally stunted would be a good start.

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