Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Marlboro - if you are finding people FWB's, I'd quite like one please..

@Sunshineandflipflops @Marlboroandmalbec34 hugs for you both.

I've had my fair share of men who can't commit to a relationship. It sucks. Sorry I can't offer any better words of wisdom.

Mr IT has finally replied to my message from 2 days ago asking if he wanted date 3. No surprise, he said no. Although he admitted we get on very well, he felt something was missing.
Oh well, back to the apps to see who is new and interesting.

Need to do a proper thread catch up but
Marls Sunshine sorry to hear your news, really feel for both of you
No I haven't been captured 😂
Did the handover this afternoon after my mum's ashes internment, thought I might as well get it all out the way in one go. Emotional day!
Short version, she ran into the house crying when I said bye, and I've now had a text saying she's sorry, she thinks I'm gorgeous, she likes me so much, why did she think I'd be angry or moody with her, wtf has she done etc etc.
Whoever called her a headfuck, spot on! Can't believe I'm still fucking talking about this 2 threads later, arrrgggghhh!!!
Glad I'm going away tomorrow, it's been a shitty day so far!

marlbs that's the key thing - he doesn't have the empathy for your feelings that you need, and that's maybe because the setup you have just doesn't really match your needs. If you are sure that he will not change his boundaries then yes, time to let him go.

I really hope I will not be the third on this thread to see someone go today - I'm seeing Mr Greedy FWB tonight after three weeks apart. I've missed him far too much, but the relationship can never be more than what it is. Tonight I will test if the absence has made us too fond of each other, in which case it must end. I hope not, because he gives me things I've never had before . I want to just think 'great, let's have fun!' not 'OMG I love you'!

marlboro ugh, so you said that and he was still going. Neither healthy nor kind...I'm glad you've made the choice. A slogan I drilled into myself when mr drummer was trying to come back in was .... never exchange sex/a relationship for self esteem. It's a shitty deal. I'd also like a fwb please.

Ant if you won't block her, I will!

@Ant330 It sounds like you've had quite a day too. I hope you are ok. We need a big group hug!

I'm going to delete mine and MrSAS's WhatsApp thread later. All 5 months of it.

I don't know what he wants but best of luck to him in finding it.

And for you and your Mum

Sunshineandflipflops have you read that mr unavailable and the fallback girl book? I found it quite a healing closure when....the person themselves was utterly incapable of providing answers. I would block also tbh. I didnt and I regret not just banning him from reentry to my thoughts completely

Sounds like a difficult day ant. I'm glad you are going away tomorrow.

Good luck sunshine. I found it very cathartic. 6 months of messages gone in a flash. We'd moved to iMessages from WA so I had 2 threads and 2 numbers. All gone. I found not being able to reread and reanalyse everything he'd said a great relief. But I did put off doing it until after I broke NC. And knowing I simply can't message him is great. He's gone. I'm sad about that. But there is quite literally no point in me continuing to contact him. If he wants me he knows where I am. But he doesn't.

FWIW I think it's the right decision marls. He's not respecting your feelings at all here. For a FWB to work I think you need to be respectful of each other's feelings and agree where your boundaries are if you are not exclusive.

Although I feel a fraud as Mr B said he would prefer me not to be messaging others but wouldn't tell me what to do. He'd rather not know about it. And I have a call tonight from Monsieur Francais. I may stop things after the call as I don't think I want to be seeing anyone else. I just don't want to end up investing in someone unsuitable when we are good as a casual thing.

Hello lovelies, I'm back on the apps.

I'm sorry for the sadness in this thread though. Dating isn't easy, is it.

Since being back on the apps I've chatted with quite a variety of irons, been cancelled on and ghosted, had a bit of dud coffee date and matched with a man taking the same course as me starting next month so we are friend-zoning each other in case of potential awkwardness.

I'm talking to a man in a poly relationship, which I remain unsure about but he's nice to chat with. Haven't met yet.

Met someone last night on the way back home from visiting friends - we live an hour apart and I just happen to have friends nearby him. We had a half hour chat before my train arrived and we are planning to meet up to go climbing soon.

And there's someone on POF who has really caught my eye but he's an intermittent responder (friendly and funny though, he doesn't seem bored) and I want to move over to WhatsApp but don't want to scare him off by seeming over keen. But he's so gorgeous aaah.

No nicknames for any of them yet!

Sunshine a group hug would be great right now, it's been an emotional day.
Not in a place to be making any right decisions so I just haven't replied. Right at this minute I need a hug and to talk to somebody and she's there, but I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment!

Hello all - these threads move very fast! I think I popped in for advice 2 threads ago and have only just found you all. Sorry that you all seem to be having a tough time with your various partners. What a supportive group you are though! Hope you don't mind me interrupting.

Finally plucked up the courage to post a profile on POF on Thursday night (cos DD was out meeting STBXH's new girlfriend and thought 'fuck it, may as well have a go'). I am beginning to regret it. Was worried I would get no responses at all and have been deluged and no idea of etiquette etc. (I am no Angelina Jolie by the way so assume it's because I am new?) Anyway, some advice please...

1. is it OK to just ignore messages that say 'hi' or 'nice pics' and come from people who in no way fit any of my criteria (and don't seem to have read my profile). I am already ignoring all the sleazy ones
2. is it normal to get suggestive messages from very young men? I did not describe myself as a cougar and my pictures aren't 'sexy' What sort of vibe am I giving off?
3. WTF is Meet Me?
4. Is it OK to delete and block people who just don't do it for me, will I hurt their feelings or does everyone do that?
5. how does anyone have the time to do this?

Sorry if I sound overly critical or fussy but wasn't prepared for this - actually thought I would only match with a couple of people, if that, who had read my profile and my criteria and am baffled by most of the responses.

Please tell me this is normal. Is POF just a site full of chancers cos it's free?

PS there are a couple of prospects - have a phone call with one tonight, he moved very fast to that stage but actually seems quite sane compared to the others and had a funny profile (as in amusing, not odd). Actually bricking it though, have no idea what to talk about. I was married for 21 years FFS so not dated since the early 1990s!

You all seem to know what you are doing, please help me!

POF is crazy.

I ignore or block with wild abandon. most of the messages are chancers and obviously c&p generic messages.

I had someone tell me I look 10 years older than my profile suggests, a few with zero pics wanting to meet up that night... Plenty of weirdos. Oh, and someone messaged me to say we weren't a good fit. Out of the blue. ???

You don't owe them anything.

Thanks Cereal - that is just what I needed to hear. I am a bit of a people pleaser and very polite, but I guess I don't have to send 100 people a polite letter of rejection, with apologies!

Weirdly just logged on now and the bloke who asked me to phone him and sent me a number last night and messaged again this morning to confirm has just got back to say 'sorry I won't be in tonight, please message or call another time if you would like to'. Erm... you were chasing me? WTF? Assume this is all normal though, right? Is there anywhere less crazy than POF? Bumble, perhaps?

ndotto I've steered clear of pOf as anyone can message you. I prefer Bumble and tinder where you both have to have swiped right first. With Bumble you have more control initially as you have to send the first message. I get lots of matches on tinder but barely any messages these days. The bumble pool is more limited though.

I've had the most success with OkCupid.

I haven't enjoyed pof. I found okcupid more interesting.

A big hug for you ant what a day you have had!
I am going to get my kids to bed, have a bath, drink a bottle of wine and hide my phone.

I am pretty bad and don't answer any of the messages from people I am not interested in. Though I much prefer the apps as I have some control over who messages me. But recently I have found very few people actually contact you.

I am a newbie but mentioned I had a third date I was unsure about, it ended up happening despite a rocky start and me being in the worst mood. He mentioned meeting up again this week, but he doesn't contact me daily and I am starting to doubt his interest levels.
How do I stop the constant anxiety of thinking its over and constantly checking my phone?

Ant what a horrible day you've had - have a ((hug))

Thanks for updating us @Ant330 what a brutal day. Hope you can have closure on both now. Enjoy your holiday

No @JeSuisPrest update. Think we can assume no news is good news?

Hugs to ant, marlboro and *sunshine. I am sorry you're having a bad time.