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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 12:12

Sounds quite a lot like none of your business

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:13

Stay out of it

Absolutely none of your business

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:14

Hence I asked. BUT. We have sons (young right now) - I would desperately hope someone would help them if they find themselves in such a position. It seems grossly unfair, and not something she should be allowed to get away with. It is causing fractions within the family as most of us think it is diabolical.

OP posts:
ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:14

Also, none of us believe this is what is best for the baby, being denied their father.

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Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 12:15

It seems like you don't like this woman anyway and you don't have the full story. It's nothing to do with you in any event.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 12:16

So you know her, clearly despise her, don’t know him at all apart from stalking his fb, and have decided she’s the devil and he’s a victim? You could be right but you’re being very judgemental about your female acquaintance/associate/family member and if she finds out you’re slagging her off on an open forum I doubt you’ll be seeing her or her baby again Hmm

Ounce · 19/08/2019 12:16

Seriously - keep your beak out. You know nothing about what is really going on with this woman and her baby.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:18

I 'despise' her now because of what she is doing to her baby and the father. Beforehand, we were on ok terms, but others know her better (having grown up with her) and say it is totally in character for her to do something like this. It seems VERY unfair, and my heart goes out to the man being denied his child.
I am not even sure she put him on the BC. She also didn't allow him a say on the baby's name.

Us not seeing her or her baby is no great loss to me. It IS to the father.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 19/08/2019 12:20

How can you help him?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:20

Is it not our place to be judgemental? We all judge. That's how we choose who to have in our lives and who to not associate with. It's also how we help shape acceptable behaviour. Yes, I feel appalled, and yes I am 99% sure he has done nothing to warrant her behaviour towards him, and yes I want justice for him and his baby. It takes two to make a baby, unless she chose to go to a clinic, which she didn't. Has no one any sympathy for the man. Or the child growing up without a father?

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ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:21

Dione, I am not sure. I do believe at least reaching out and telling him he has people on his side could be a comfort. I also have access to photos of the baby - he has stated on his fb that he doesn't even know what his baby looks like.

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Thesearmsofmine · 19/08/2019 12:22

Yeah this is none of your business, who says that this man needs to work wants your help?

Bellasblankexpression · 19/08/2019 12:22

None of your business

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:23

Yeah still stands KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT!!

You can think what you will but it's not your fucking business.

Christ on a bike Hmm

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 12:23

You don't know what the relationship was like

You shouldn't judge people

crustycrab · 19/08/2019 12:23

Not your business. Leave him to it

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:23

Dione, I also don't know how legally it works - is it acceptable for her to put the geographical distance between them, effectively making it nigh on impossible for him to see his baby once the courts grant him access? It would cost him HUNDREDS of pounds every time he makes the trip. He is not a wealthy man. I would be gutted if someone treats my son like this when he is an adult.

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SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:23

Oh my god you'd actually consider sending him photos

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:24

shox, from speaking with others, he thought it was a relationship, she treated it as fwb.

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ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:25

Magpie, it's ok that he doesn' tknow what his baby even looks like? I have not sent photos. I am sad for him though, that some of us see his baby more often than he does.

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Thingsdogetbetter · 19/08/2019 12:25

So a woman you didn't know well, a man one of you vaguely knows? You've Facebook stalked him, asked around his small town, and you (complete strangers) want to reach out to support him based on information you are getting second hand and then filled in the gaps to suit some narrative of poor innocent man (I presume the information is from from fb and gossip as you say she is an acquaintance and he is a stranger)? Am I getting that right? And your reasoning is that you have young sons? (Would you be supporting her if you had daughters? )

That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard! You and this small group need to step back and look at your motivation here.

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 12:26

How can you tell who was unreasonable though? Maybe he liked her more than she liked him. All you have is hearsay and gossip. Have you even spoken to her about it yourself?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:26

Help me understand you all (and her). Is it really right that she can do this to him? And their baby? Let's assume he was not violent. How is it ok to keep his baby from him, or the baby from their father?

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pelirocco123 · 19/08/2019 12:27

If he isn't on the birth certificate and they aren't married , why would the court grant him access?

Oh and I agree with everyone , it is none of your business, you dont even know the man !

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:28

Things, we are absolutely NOT strangers. Some of us are family. We meet up at family events, with extended family, conversations here and there, things aren't adding up, she is obviously lying, some of us know the man better, others not at all. I have been vague on the post soas to not give too much away, but ok, some/one of us does know the man and his family better.

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