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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 19/08/2019 12:30

Wow, this is none of your business. You need to get a hobby.

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:30

Yeah I do!

I have seen countless dad's who were abusive, dead beat dad's spout off how much they want to see their children, how sad they are that their ex is stopping them...the list goes on

There's fuck all to say this isnt one of those situations

Theres a reason she wants no involvement, you DON'T KNOW HIM !

Who do you think you are to want to pass on information, photos etc that could potentially put this lady and her child at risk

I think you're actually bloody stupid being so over invested in this !

Leave it to them

Ridiculous and especially as a mother not thinking of potential repercussions

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:31

Things, I/we DO have daughters. And we would absolutely NOT support them in treating the father of their child in this way, unless violence was involved. We are 99% certain that there has been no violence or threat of violence. What she is doing is not justified. So, if that is the case, is it really fair that the man is missing out on the first months of his child's life? We'd say NOT.

OP posts:
sue51 · 19/08/2019 12:31

None of your business OP. It is not your place to interfere.

HUZZAH212 · 19/08/2019 12:31

She might not even know he definitely is the father, or maybe there's more going on behind the scenes and he's just plastering over FB how 'wronged he's been', but done nothing about it. The point is that none of it is any of your business, and the 'small concerned group' sound like a bunch of gossipy busybodies who've turned into Miss Marples snooping. If the father isn't on the birth certificate he's no PR regardless, and it was as much his responsibility to consider a pregnancy when sleeping with her vs 'oooh she uses him as a sperm donor as she's old!'. Are you honestly suggesting you get in touch with some random bloke you don't know and distribute a load of gossip and baby pictures of your relatives child? Clearly for the child's benefit of course 😐

HalfDeadHousePlant · 19/08/2019 12:32

How do you KNOW he's the father? You don't is the simple answer to that.
Beak. Out.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:33

Magpie, like I said, several of us know her, and him, and we sadly all believe she has done this deliberately, that there is no violence, he is just a man like most of our sons. That being the case, you still think it's fine that she does this to him/the baby? I think it's dreadful. A child needs both parents where possible.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:34

😂😂😂😂 keep your knickers on!

No near enough stranger would get this involved

It's down to them to sort out

I think Its actually quite scary tbh

Oh and I have a son, and I pray to god he won't have a busy body MIL like you when he's older

Even if it was your daughter in this situation, it would still be FUCK ALL of your business

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:34

huzzah, it's nothing to me, I feel like this is a gross injustice though. From what we all know, she used him, he felt they were in a relationship, as soon as she got pg she dumped him.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 12:34

Teach your sons to use condoms. Then nothing like this can ever happen to them.

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:35

You like to really push it about "our sons" don't you ?

BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 12:35

“Oh and I have a son, and I pray to god he won't have a busy body MIL like you when he's older ”
Eh?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:35

He's definitely the father, baby looks like him. Unless his father impregnated her.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:36

It sounds like she has a perfectly good reason as to why she is doing this, maybe she just wanted a baby, but none of my business, I'd be more arsed the child was being cared for properly than meddling

But hey, that's just must

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:37

Bertrand, of course. But he was under the impression they were in this together. His mistake was not being married to her and not having rights. So THAT is the message i will be telling my sons, as well as using condoms.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 19/08/2019 12:37

Wow, get a life! You don't like this woman, that comes across quite clearly, you judge her because she had a child and say it's because it was her last change due to her age and suggest she used this man. You stalk this guy on FB. You think it's your right to interfere. Frankly you sound a bit disturbed. This is none of your business! You don't even know these people well!

Thesearmsofmine · 19/08/2019 12:38

What is all this crap about having sons. I have 3 sons and still think that you need to leave this alone. She and he are adults, he is (according to you) going down the correct route to deal with this, let the courts deal with it in the proper way. Do not send photos to him.

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:38

Sorry @BertrandRussell she just seems to be very over invested, I could imagine her meddling in quite a lot of business, one of those MIL who think she knows best over everyone

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:38

I'm really disappointed that no one feels this is wrong. YES she obviously just wanted a baby. That is wrong, to involve someone and then leave them out of it. He's devastated.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 12:39
Grin

Amazing where a bit of mil bashing can squeeze in!

IsAStormApproaching · 19/08/2019 12:39

It is absolutely none of your business.

A lot of people have said that my ex is a lovely, polite & gentle person.
Once people geuniley get to know him they see the truth.
The reality is very different and on his court ordered acess it is started he is not to know my address due to his abusive and inaproprate behaviour.

It sad when genuine good men are held back from their children and if this is the case, he can follow the correct procedure to get his deserved contact.
But it did not help anyone in the slightest when people who know bits of the story and wade in with their 2 cents worth. It just make the situation more dramatic and volatile.

Only him and her know the truth.
Mind your own business and focus in your own life.

ItsInTheSpoon · 19/08/2019 12:39

I also think you should mind your own business

BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 12:40

“He's devastated“

So why didn’t he use a condom?

HUZZAH212 · 19/08/2019 12:40

He's definitely the father because the baby looks like him??? Oh well in that case we can all do away with DNA tests in the future.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/08/2019 12:40

How old is the father?