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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 19/08/2019 12:40

The thing is maybe you are correct in your assumptions but it still wouldn’t make it your business.

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 12:41

Right so you've even said it yourself nobody has agreed with you

So what does that tell you?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:41

arms, the courts will grant him access (why it takes so long, he has missed many months of his child's life that he'll never ever get back) but now she is moving to be hundreds of miles away, meaning that even if the courts say he can see the baby every other day, he can't physically do that unless he relocates - and if he does that, there is nothing to stop her coming back to her family's other home in another area - she has easy options to do this - he does not. She can bankrupt him if she plays that game.

No, I don't like her, based on what she has done to this man.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 19/08/2019 12:41

He's not your son! He's an adult who chose to have sex with a woman with no condom. He's taking legal steps to gain access. Leave him to it!

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:42

dione, he is around 30 (being deliberately vague). She is 40+
Why?

OP posts:
Perch · 19/08/2019 12:42

Beak out! Seriously! NONE of your business! You sound like the busybody’s busybody.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/08/2019 12:43

Maybe she wouldn’t be moving if people weren’t so intent gossiping about her life and destroying her reputation. Perhaps she doesn’t want her child around nasty people like that.

BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 12:44

@ForfarFourFifeFive Why didn’t he use a condom?

Wilberforce42 · 19/08/2019 12:44

Whether it’s right or wrong is irrelevant to you or anyone else it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Why can’t you see what everyone is saying to you?

peachgreen · 19/08/2019 12:44

Even if you're completely right and he's a complete angel who is being treated terribly by a heartless, vindictive woman (which I highly doubt), it is still NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

timshelthechoice · 19/08/2019 12:44

Exactly, These. Sneery, judgemental, stalky folks who think she should have remained childfree as punishment for not being as perfect as they are and now should run her life based on their principles. I'd be leaving tyre marks myself!

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 12:46

It is absolutely your business. Unfortunately its all too common for selfish women to treat children like possessions and until someone stands up to them this type of kidnapping will carry on. I would approach the woman and let her know that the string of lies she's been telling is not working. Maybe if Society shamed these women it wouldnt be so common for children to lose parents.
If this was a man that had kidnapped the child no one would be saying its none of your business. The Mumsnet hypocrisy is out in force today.

babynumber2onboard · 19/08/2019 12:47

If he wants to know where he stands legally, then he needs to find legal advice himself!

If she's as spiteful as you say, then she will more than likely do all she can to swerve any legal intervention anyway, so why would you think that sticking your nose in will make any difference?

You say you want him to feel better knowing that he's got people on his side... surely he's getting that from his Facebook updates? The time he spends moaning on social media would be better spent finding out his rights from a legal perspective

Buyitinbamboo · 19/08/2019 12:48

You really don't know both sides of the story so stay out of it. My uncle is a "nice mild-mannered" man. He had a baby with a lady who was nearly 40. If you listen to my nan and his facebook he would love to see the daughter, she just used him to have a baby yadda yadda yadda. The fact is he doesn't care enough to see his daughter. I'm not saying the lady is an angel, she certainly puts barriers up and manipulates but he is far from innocent.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:48

BEcause he thought he'd be in a relationship, and get to be a father, BR.

So she gets away with it because it's none of anyone's business?
Ok, I accept this is what everyone is saying, but I find it desperately disappointing. She manipulated him, got her baby, then left. And no one thinks that is awful?

Noone at all is saying she shouldn't have a baby. What we are saying is that so should the father - he is 50% responsible, and imo, has rights. She can have the baby and not block the father. No one is saying she has to be with him, but what she did is evil.

OP posts:
Parent999 · 19/08/2019 12:49

A child is about to be kidnapped and taken miles from their parent and everyone wants to look the other way. Stop the world, I want off.
Like I had faith in people before

Branleuse · 19/08/2019 12:50

None of your business. Sad for the man if hes nice, but ultimately none of your business and you do not know what's gone on behind closed doors

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:50

Parent999, THANK YOU, finally someone who sees it as I do. That's exactly how it is, and exactly how she is getting away with it. Because most women/society don't care how we treat men. Sorry to say.

OP posts:
ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:53

bamboo, he DOES want to see the baby, which is obvious because SHE is making moves to take her baby so far away from him that he doesn't get easy access. Also he's spending so much money on lawyers, because she is being unreasonable.
Again, yes, your relative might be like that, but we are 99.9999% sure this man is totally undeserving of being treated like this. He wanted to be a father, he did nothing wrong, except misjudge her character, as she clearly never wanted a relationship or a dad for her baby, just a sperm donor. And here people think that's her right? What about the baby's right to know their father, better than a once every few months trip that her father can afford?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 19/08/2019 12:54

So he's a fully adult man who, instead of going to court to get PR and access to his child is sadfacing on FB?Hmm

Your arrogance is astonishing OP. The number of baseless and possibly dangerous assumptions you are making is Shock. She has cut him out and left her address so he can't reach her so now he is now trying to use her friends and family to get at her. She would rather move multiple times than have him in their lives. That's serious.

You have no idea about this man, you have no idea whether he was abusive or not. Butt out. YABVU OP.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 12:54

This, this horrendous vile spite toward a parent simply because he is a man is why the suicide rate in middle aged men is so high. At worst people believe her lies because she is a woman and so must be a victim. At best people look the other way and say its none of my business, leave him to it.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/08/2019 12:55

So she gets away with it because it's none of anyone's business?

OP I want to know what you plan on doing to ensure she doesn’t ‘get away with it’ ? All that can be done is going down the legal route which you say he is already doing.

BigFatLiar · 19/08/2019 12:55

He's a man so has no rights to the child. Tough if he thought he would have a relationship but thats life. She's wanted a baby, used him and now wants rid of him, she's in the driving seat.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 19/08/2019 12:56

It is none of your business because you don't know what really could be going on, as many people have pointed out.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:56

To add, us 'busybodies' are not like this about anyone else, I am not a gossip, I have a busy life and this whole thing is close to home, and is very depressing and stressful, as it is for some of us others. This feels like a special case, where we SHOULD stand up for the wronged party and not be silent to someone who thinks it's ok to treat someone like that.

OP posts: