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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
Parent999 · 19/08/2019 21:19

I haven’t asked for support, i and the op are being attacked for wanting to support a father

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 21:27

The op is being told it isn’t anything to do with them.
Because it isn’t.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 21:34

It was a serious, but ultimately rhetorical, question.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 21:35

Yes it is, if you knew someone was being abused you would (I hope) do something about it. This woman is planning to kidnap the child. Something I have experience of.

This ridiculous assumption that any man could be an abuser so let’s not help him is the problem.
Because we all know if it was the man planning to kidnap the child and op wanted to tell the mother then it would be completely different advice here.

BeUpStanding · 19/08/2019 21:38

Ah - AnyFucker has seen it and called it.

If the OP is genuine then a) I'll eat my hat, and b) they're a deranged loon. Instead I put my money on a pair of MRAs baiting MN for shits & giggles.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 21:52

This ridiculous assumption that any man could be an abuser

But any man could be, as could any woman. Any person you know could be in an abusive relationship, even if they are the picture of a healthy relationship you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Siablue · 19/08/2019 21:58

The OP has asked is it my business? The answer is no. What could she say to the dad. I have been stalking you on Facebook and I think she is a bitch. How would that help him in any way.

tiktok · 19/08/2019 22:22

I’ve read all the thread and of course the consensus that this is none of OP’s biz is right. Family courts are not perfect but this father has a right to ask the courts to make an order for arrangements for contact. If there’s no dispute he is the father he can still do this, even without being on the birth certificate. The courts can investigate the merits of his claim, putting the needs of the baby first.

Parent you are jumping on this thread to promote your own hobby horse. It’s not a good look.

Schuyler · 19/08/2019 22:46

@Parent999

You do not have rights, you only have responsibilities to your child/ren. This makes no difference what sex you are. The child has the rights.

Guessmydog · 19/08/2019 23:04

I guess I'm in the minority here because if everything you've posted is true op (minus the Australia shit) then I absolutely think you should offer support to the guy. Your relative sounds an absolute cunt and she should not get away with what she's doing. It's not only men who are abusive ffs!

AMAM8916 · 19/08/2019 23:07

I think it is wrong and despite what most of the women here seem to think, some women are nasty, do use men to get babies then deny the father access. So for anyone to say they 'highly doubt' this is the case, stop being so naive.

Saying that though, there is nothing you can actually do. He has a family to help him and he's going the court route. If he see's that through, he will get access with his baby.

You also mentioned that he was of the assumption that it was a real relationship so why did he have to wear a condom for those saying that? He possibly fully intended to have a baby with this woman and she disposed of him when his uses had been used!

I've seen a lot of things in my time and men and women can both be shady, dodgy liars so to keep assuming (as it always is on here) that the woman is an angel and can't possibly just be wanting him out of picture to raise the baby alone as she always planned is just silly.

I wish the netmums app would start working again as it's pretty much just a middle class feminism rally around here most of the time where it's fine for women to have affairs etc and men are just the devil. Yawn

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 23:10

You know where the door is then, AMAM. Why hang around here if you can't stomach the place ? Hmm

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 23:21

Off you fuck then AMAM.

It doesn’t matter who is in the right or wrong here. It’s nothing to do with the OP.

IABUQueen · 19/08/2019 23:24

Don’t understand the piling on AMAM.

Yes I agree many women r shady manipulators and abusive.

Just don’t think the OP is in the place to work that bit out

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 23:32

Don’t understand the piling on AMAM.

Did you miss this bit?

I wish the netmums app would start working again as it's pretty much just a middle class feminism rally around here most of the time where it's fine for women to have affairs etc and men are just the devil. Yawn

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 19/08/2019 23:33

So nobody cares that a child is being denied the right to know their father? Hmm

This "keep your beak out" is so childish. Surely most people are that what this woman is doing is highly immoral?

Guessmydog · 19/08/2019 23:34

The piling on AMAM is because they offered a different opinion. Oh and stating a preference to netmums. MNers get their panties in a twist over that 😂

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 23:37

So nobody cares that a child is being denied the right to know their father?

Of course. But it’s not my business, just like it’s not the ops.

IABUQueen · 20/08/2019 05:52

Flossie
I would personally actually advocate for intervening if the Op seemed to have facts and there was like a court order.

But being all based on heresay and gossip I think it’s in the child’s best interest to protect the mother and not meddle in what could be dangerous on her wellbeing

IABUQueen · 20/08/2019 05:53

Did you miss this bit?

So?

BarberaofSeville · 20/08/2019 06:00

It's not your business. You have no idea whether there is violence or other abuse.

Blueoasis · 20/08/2019 06:06

There's fuck all you can do legally anyway.

It's unlikely he is on the bc. So that woman can just say its not his kid and that's that. I'm not sure a court would force a dna test or not in those circumstances, maybe they would. Is it worth the hassle? Maybe not to them.

It sucks for the father. Women do this a lot more than people realise or want to admit. Mainly though it is to trap the guy into a relationship, but people can become crazy if they think their time is running out to have a baby.

He should refuse to be put on the bc though unless a dna test is done. That way he doesn't have to pay for a child that may not be his anyway, or pay for a child that he isn't allowed to see for possibly no good reason. She can't have it both ways, money and no access. But it doesn't sound like she's after money anyway.

quirkycutekitch · 20/08/2019 06:14

Unfortunately this situation happens - and the courts are very slow, it is hard for fathers who want to be involved & the mothers don’t want that to happen.

No one knows anyone’s personal situation- and unless the courts/CAFCAS find it necessary to talk to you it is none of your business.

Gorrisandhorace · 20/08/2019 08:44

What if he is violent? How could you ever know?
Violent men don’t have it tattooed on their foreheads you know?! They’re men that do voluntary work, the neighbour that de ices your windscreen , the teacher at school that all the kids adore.... they hide behind a multitude of masks. Keep your nose out

aweedropofsancerre · 20/08/2019 09:01

My word it’s like an episode of league of gentleman on here..... local village for local people . Sounds like your from a place where people stare if a stranger wanders in to your village. Stop creating your own reality to justify your interference and judgements on this situation. My ex was viewed as a nice bloke and he told people I did him up like a kipper at court. Had nothing to do with him stopping paying for nursery fees, turning up to my flat and trying to break in, calling 30 times and screaming abuse oh and calling social services and claiming I was a drug addict. No one knew that part of the story and his friends remain surprised when a judge refused him contact. You can do nothing in this situation, if you interfere and cause difficulties this can be used in court so I would let the legal process run and keep out of it.

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