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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 13:38

I have thrown in a few non-facts

It’s all bloody non-facts. It’s made up shit you don’t know.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 13:39

dione, seven-ish months - again I wish to be a little vague here. How long should it take? He's done everything right/legally required. His parents are supportive. They are ALL stressed and it's telling on them, especially his mother who is frail as it is. Especially as people on the baby's mother's side are trying to make out that his parents don't want to see the baby - all the lies are just embarrassing, so far I say to people I am staying out of it, but I've had enough and feel it still makes me complicit.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 19/08/2019 13:40

Love the way OP's justification is now that WE don't know the whole story. The irony.

Mydogbruce · 19/08/2019 13:42

At the end of the day unless you were on every date with them and with them every time they saw each other you don’t know what’s gone on behind closed doors

Maybe your right and the woman is being horrible if she is then the courts will see that and allow contact, them if she doesn’t maintain it the man can go back to court. If they live far away no doubt the judge will make them do a half journey each.
But that is for a JUDGE with the full knowledge of the situation to decide. Not you and people who vaguely know about the situation.

I’m not suggesting he’s abusive but for the record my ex is as gentle as they come so sweet and lovely and when I left him literally all my friends turned their backs on me because he was so gentle and sweet and I was a lot more outgoing so I was the awful woman taking the kids away from the sweet gentle dad.

What I couldn’t share with anyone at that point was all the evidence of him abusing me in every way possible. I shared it with the judge who thankfully saw him for what he was.

And I’m not saying this man is abusive he could be lovely and the woman a bitch but you don’t have all the fact. Don’t meddle in a legal case you’re not her judge and jury so leave it well alone.

Tonnerre · 19/08/2019 13:44

There is no point contacting him unless any of you are in a position to do something concrete that will help, e.g. by giving witness statements to his lawyers.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 13:45

It is sad to me that even though I have explained that I was deliberately vague to protect identities, I DO know more that I can't write as it is outing, but I DO know what I wrote above as fact - I DO know he doesn't deserve this. If you can trust me on that, as FACT, what would your responses be?

And to reiterate to keith who I am not sure is deliberately ignoring my updates, I DO know the inside story WELL, and I am NOT a random village gossip. Just trying to not reveal anyone's identities here.

Right, got to go pick up the twins from school. School time here in Australia, and I don't even have twins.

OP posts:
CmdrCressidaDuck · 19/08/2019 13:45

her actions and our lack of speaking against it mean people judge us as being as bad... It reflects badly on us, it's the talk of the town that she's taking the baby miles away and how can we let her do this

Christ alive, what kind of incestuous, meddling, toxic pit of snakes do you live in? While you're up, FGS move!

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 19/08/2019 13:45

and we are supposed to support her?

No. You'e supposed to not contact a man you don't know with information and photos about a child that isn't yours.

I'll end here. I do feel sad people have projected their own issues with men here

Your story has changed as the thread has moved. You don't know the man, now some of you are close to him, you vaguely don't think there was violence then the percentages went up. You sound like you're the one projecting a lot.

reflects badly on us, it's the talk of the town that she's taking the baby miles away and how can we let her do this.

Stop giving a damn what other people think. You'll be happier.

AudacityOfHope · 19/08/2019 13:46

You know what, it really doesn't matter what you know or how you know it, or whatever.

Unless you are the judge all of that means nothing.

Maybe get a job or a hobby or something? Helpful suggestion for you.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 13:47

tonnerre, thanks, I do believe I could help there.

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocolate9 · 19/08/2019 13:47

and how can we let her do this

Pray tell which district of Gilead do you live in that allows you to control a full grown woman's actions?

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/08/2019 13:48

@parent999. I'm sorry for what happened to you. I don't think anyone here would deny there are woman who use children as weapons. But accept this is a predominantly female forum (clues in the name) and it is 99% woman asking for advice about men who are unfortunately abusive etc, and as such it is biased. I'm sure a predominantly male forum would be just as biased the other way round.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 13:49

Right, got to go pick up the twins from school

Why is it always twins?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 13:49

Ok then, as per my OP:

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

OP posts:
PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 13:50

Your children finish school at 10 at night?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 13:51

things, I would hope we would not be biased just because we are women. We should not side with people just because of their gender. Forget all the bumf I started with in the OP. I wrote too much.

FACTS are: she did use him, and has excluded him from his child's life. Are people supportive of her still, just because she is a woman/mother?

OP posts:
ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 13:52

Nightschool, keith, yes. They are in their twenties.

OP posts:
PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 13:53

Forget all the bumf I started with in the OP.

So your op was all made up then?

You are the man in question and I claim my £5

CornishMaid1 · 19/08/2019 13:53

Firstly, OP, if you are correct and she is deliberating stopping a good man from seeing his child then that is terrible. I hope he wins at Court and she gets a stern warning from the Judge for such behaviour.

However, you are too far removed and need to stay out of it.

If you are close to her, then tell her she think what she is doing is terrible. If someone in the group is close to him, then the most I would say is for them to let slip that apparently she is moving away in case that will make a difference to the judgment he is going after for contact.

DO NOT under any circumstances tell him where she is currently living or send him photos. You may feel bad, but it is most definitely not your place to do that.

LemonAddict · 19/08/2019 13:53

Nightschool, keith, yes. They are in their twenties

Lol, I call bullshit!

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 13:53

If the ‘twins’ are in their 20s why can’t they make their own way home?

RachelEllenR · 19/08/2019 13:54

I'd not get involved with him but when she says something untrue/twisted I'd stand up for him direct to her.

gottagetouttahere · 19/08/2019 13:55

I'm not supporting her possibly immoral, selfish behaviour. I'm just not supporting your definite interfering behaviour.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 13:55

Not forgetting of course that by your own admission you don’t even have twins.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 13:55

I know what. Kidnap the baby and give it to him. He has the right to keep it. Everyone knows that.

Or better still get another hobby

And I have never heard of Australian towns referred to as "villages"