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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
Lisamac28 · 03/09/2019 17:06

Well you said at the start that one of you knew him vaguely. Make your mind up

FFS. Is it beyond peoples comprehension to work out that some people will alter some facts on threads so as to not out themselves? It doesn't make OP a liar!

Soconfusedandlost · 03/09/2019 18:16

Apologies for being stupid. What is an MRA?

PaterPower · 03/09/2019 18:31

The one useful thing you could do for him at this stage is let him know she’s planning to relocate.

That way he can ask for a PSO to prevent the move until any court cases are resolved. I don’t rate his long term chances even with court “help” but at least he can try.

For those that have expressed sudden faith in the FC system, (a 180 degree volte face from normal MN opinion on their efficacy), I’d ask who exactly you’re trying to kid here?

ichifanny · 03/09/2019 22:11

Keep your neb out

girlintheglass · 03/09/2019 22:50

I personally would not involve myself in this. They are both grown adults. Let the Dad fight his own battles without your input. You just keep your side of the street clean and don't be minding anyone else's. Remember If it doesn't affect you directly it's because it's ....NONE of your business.

trixiebelden77 · 04/09/2019 00:05

I’m not sure what is more incredible.

That there are women who genuinely believe ‘society’ favours women at the expense of men, or that there are Australians who refer to an outback town as a ‘village’ and measure distance in miles.

What8Surpr1se8 · 04/09/2019 05:13

Plenty of males walk away from their children
Surely, it's her choice if she wants no contact
He can try the legal route
Will he pay maintenance even if he doesn't see the child ?

Yarval · 04/09/2019 05:34

How do you know he wasn’t violent? My friend went through hell when pregnant. He looked like a meek, weak, meercat. Didn’t stop him lashing out at her when he didn’t get his way. He was nasty. You don’t know this man apart from stalking on Facebook. This thread shows that you really need professional help to sort out why you feel you need to involve yourself. There’s something very very wrong with you. There is a welfare and legal system with trained professionals who can help this man if he is genuine. You are NOT a trained professional. You are what my old gran used to call a “sticky beak” and you are quite frankly my dear, despicable.
You say it’s only justified for her to keep the baby away if he was violent. What if he was emotionally abusive? What if he has a drug problem? What if he is a gambling addict and stole money from her? What if he has family links to child abusers? I’m NOT saying that’s the case but you cannot tell that. There’s a reason she’s trying to flee. They might all be demon worshippers...do you see what I’m saying here? You DO NOT KNOW. None of us do. My best mates ex was the most popular man. Wonderful community man. Everybody loved him. Such a gentle man...yeah right...Didn’t stop him having gang related friends and end up being put inside for stuff that would make your hair curl. He wasn’t physically violent towards her though but had mates/connections that would have stabbed her through the throat if he told them to. Nobody on the outside would have ever known that though and she hid with her kids in fear for years.
KEEP YOUR STICKY BEAK OUT

LellyMcKelly · 04/09/2019 06:36

Good grief, you sound like a parish council on speed. This is none, LITERALLY none of your business. Absolutely none. Butt out and stop meddling in other people’s lives.

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