The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

Don't want to not reply but I don't understand it?

your ex had told your DS to call his grandfather for the money?

Why had your x not called for it and then given it to DS himself.

Is X expecting his father to say no, and this way he is absolved of all guilt? As he can then blame his father?
When was this money promised? And was it actually promised?

Presumably, you don't have any school fees to pay for him now, so you're up on this time last year?

Just pay it and he doesn't have to worry.

Did you and DS not think about the deposit before today considering the deadline is Sunday? I appreciate they only got results yesterday but surely you knew before then the deposit would be required?

If ExH is so unreliable, surely you would have sorted something?

Sorry you’re having to deal with that. I hate people that use money as a means to control.

GF maybe girlfriend in this case.

So ex is being a selfish, manipulative bastard again! What a surprise. He really can't seem to help himself can he!? He really is the gift that keeps on giving!

The more you post, the more I see what a complete twat your ex is and the more I understand your anger!! When you first posted I thought you were bitter and couldn't let go (sorry!), now I consider you the model of self restraint!

And bloody hell, your son has done amazing hasn't he! Working his arse off AND getting amazing results. All with your ex for a 'father'. However angry you are with ex, it shows what a bloody good job YOU have done with your dc. You have done this alone and should be proud of your son and yourself!

Actually, it's breathtaking you've managed to do it alone WITH the millstone of your ex trying to drag you and your dc down! More power to you (as we Irish say)!! ,

The man is a shit of the first order.

@picklemepopcorn I definitely think GF means grandfather.
Girlfriend makes no sense in this context.

@argymargy Are you trying to be goady? Or do you somehow think you are funny or clever!? Cos I can assure you, you are not!

On behave of all people with empathy on an advice forum: fuck off!

Dam. Behalf, not behave! Angry typing on tiny phone keypad is never good!

Doh, yes @AmIThough . I was confused by the X DF- thought it was fiancé- basically just misread the whole thing. I'll be quiet now.

@picklemepopcorn it wasn't your fault - I had to keep re-reading each sentence too

Yes it is GRandfather

@curtainpole12
Because X is a cunt - the money in question is money gifted to kids on the death of x’s mother - who died 5 years ago and was the catalyst for x embarking on an affair - I believe.

The money was for future needs - what these needs are who knows - school fees wasn’t deemed a significant need nor was the rent for kids to continue living in the former home - will this qualify - personally I doubt it -

@MitziK - I paid the school fees out of my settlement - hence the reason I have no money now - just for perspective I paid £20k - we are talking about £300 deposit which is more than fucking affordable by x

@Thingsdogetbetter - thank you - I never commented on their 18th birthday present from him - I think I was getting a bit of a beating on here - but it was 40 odd boxes of Maltesers ( they do like these) and some money ( I’m not sure if this was quantified either ) if they want to go backpacking

WTF sort of present is this? I’ve told them to question it ? What if they don’t want to go?

If you have read my previous threads I’m pretty sure I posted the same nonsense over DD needing to secure her accommodation.

@ArgyMargy - cut the drama? I wish I bloody could - yes chose to have kids with this fucker as I thought he would be a good father - fuck me how wrong I was - have the affair - set up a new life with OW and her kids - but don’t make your own fucking kids suffer as you have some beef with me - these kids were IvF - six fucking rounds of treatment I went through - so if you think this is drama - you have no bloody idea!

Thank you everyone else - yep money as control - some things never change !

Ignore ArgyMargy - unfortunately there are certain posters on here who hang around threads waiting to be spiteful arseholes, berating people for not having the ability to see into the future. It's neither helpful nor funny.

Deep breath and pay the £300 yourself. I know you shouldn't. I know he can afford it. But paying the deposit yourself takes the power away from him and enables your DS to plan and feel secure. It also ends up making your Ex look like what he is - a pathetic, controlling idiot.

With regards to the money, is the GF the executor or controller? Is it in a trust? Might be worth getting some legal advice, as I'm surprised that school fees didn't qualify as a legitimate need.

Yes, I’d look into the inheritance or trust side of things. Once the kids reach 18, the money could be theirs to spend, anyway.
Or if not 18, they should get the money at a certain age, stipulated by the original document.

Meanwhile, grit your teeth and pay the money. It’s a shitty situation.

I really cant see what he has done wrong.

It seems to be a wall of text rant based on yours kids' dad asking them to be proactive in obtaining some money.

Green,

Firstly, congratulations on your son’s results. That must have been fabulous for both of you.

However, I am not totally sure what your ex has done that is so horrendous. He has offered a decent sum out of his own pocket and it seems your son could at least call his grandfather and ask for the rest. And, why are you not prepared to contribute at all?

Finally, why should he not use some of the money he has earned and cut the interrailing time a little or reduce the daily budget?

You have all left this accommodation thing very late to sort out, for which you all take a share of responsibility.

Your ex only has financial control to the extent your (adult) children let him.

I think that you are over invested in tour children maintaining what you see to be a certain lifestyle, that of the wealthier end of a private school. I assure you that, even at private schools, there are bursary students working all summer to put money away for their uni needs, and maybe managing a cheap couple of weeks away at the end.

Your ex sounds like a mean shit but I think that the constant blame and expectations of your ex are setting a good role model either.

Not being a good role model

The only hold this man has over you and your kids is money. I know it’s hard and unfair but if you treated anything you got from your Ex as a bonus, he wouldn’t be able to use it to control any of you.

Given that you’ve had similar with your DD, why wasn’t the deposit prioritised over a holiday?

I speak as someone who hasn’t received maintenance for DD in ten years. I made the pragmatic decision that I’d forgo maintenance to avoid the toxicity of chasing him and having him interfere in our lives. Yes this has cost me 50 grand but the freedom and piece of mind was well worth it.

I assume.tou chose to spend 20k on school fees...that didn't NEED to happen did it?

I think the the no at left from granny is a red herring. It doesn't have to be obtained right now. Ex can pay the 250 or you can.
I think you should just pay it, son is sorted and not worried and then he can get it back from grandad later on?

OP I don’t know when you got divorced, but did not not consider having written into the CO that your DCs dad pay maintenance through uni - to the end of their 1st degree? This is something that you could have applied for (via court) before they left school. This can still be done, but it has to be the DC that apply now - which of course most will not want to do. My ex has just made the final payment for my DC who has finished a 4 year uni course.

If you are a low earner I’m guessing your DC will be getting the max loan. It’s tough for the first year as there is so much “unknown” money wise but does get easier. It also helps if the can get a job either at uni or during the holidays - or keep the part time one he has, as a lot of students do.

In the meantime, you’ve paid the deposit and hopefully your X will pay you back. Hope your DS enjoys his inter railing and congrats to him.

Two points:
1- why does maintenance now stop? If your DC are 18 and going to university then it should continue until they are 20
2- if there is a trust with your children as beneficiaries you need to make sure you understand how it works. What is the purpose of the trust? I assume the ex FIL is the trustee. It seems odd that school fees wouldn’t qualify but I can see why paying your mortgage or rent wouldn’t. Perhaps the express purpose isn’t eduction. You can challenge how it is being administered. Seems odd for a trust to cover a random 300 deposit for accommodation though, one would imagine it would pay for the whole accommodation for example. How much is in the trust?

The trust doesn’t replace your partner’s duty to pay maintenance and I can’t understand why you say this stops, are your DC older than the usual A level leavers?

1- why does maintenance now stop? If your DC are 18 and going to university then it should continue until they are 20

Not unless it’s written into the consent order. CM stops when a child has left full time non-advanced education.

greenberet, yet more shitty behaviour from him. I've read many other posts from you and it's all games and trying to break you. The newer readers with the quick put downs know nothing of this. Maybe you could post in the other place where people who know the background could help more? I agree, maintenance is till at least 20 if in education and sometimes up till and including a first degree.