The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

Various sources of income which will cease now kids are 18 - PIP and living off settlement - when I have moved from here in the next month or so I will reassess. Downsized and moving 200 miles away so that do not have to have mortgage and am not reliant on working which I may not be able to achieve. Will be selling as much as I can on eBay!

greenberet
What will dc do during holidays from uni?
Presumably they won't be allowed to stay in the accommodation?

Thankyou @endofthelinefinally - I only hope that they do not see it as it has never been on their radar -

as I have said many times I never knew my marriage was abusive until it ended - subtle covert - my dd feels guilty because she thinks she is ungrateful - this is the FOG - I have to teach her that it is him - ALL HIM

Sorry he such a shit to the DC, hopefully they will soon block him and grieve for the father the should have had not the narcissist he is

I have room for them where I am going - X rents a 3 bed here that he uses mainly for contact - they have a lot of very good friends here too - as yet undecided but there are options

Wow.

Your ex maybe an arse, but you don't come over well in this, or previous threads OP.

Just pay the deposit and tell your DS you'll deal with the uni emails. It makes no difference if he's sitting at home or on a train in Croatia, he can still email the uni, and you. Organising accommodation isn't rocket science, and this year its your job to guide your DC calmly through it without ranting about your ex.

End - see I forget that - gaslighting - because I cannot get my head round how someone would do this deliberately. To me it is just illogical and irrational! Is it a case of I always know what’s best?

This is not the first time - I can remember on their 13th birthday which was right in the midst of all the shite - think had just found out about OW - we tried to do something “normal” he asked kids what they wanted to do - they wanted to go to London to see a show - this had already been suggested - he tried to persuade them to do something else - they didn’t want to - it was hard enough getting them to do anything in the first place - but he did relent and I can remember explaining to him you can’t ask someone what they would like to do - they tell you - and then you chose something completely different.

Obviously didn’t sink in!

He isn’t listening to her though is he? The stand she’s supposed to have made hasn’t changed his thinking but instead, it has left her to find the cash herself.

The only thing your indignation is doing is giving this man more power and encouraging counterproductive thinking in your children. Congratulations! Feeding your depression by still engaging in this nonsense is on you, another win for him.

@LynetteScavo

on a train in Croatia

Random guess?

I did say upthread no such thing as coincidence - who are you ?

It isnt about knowing best, it is about being in control.
Have you read " Why does he do that?" It is by Lundy Bancroft and is frequently recommended on here. I advised a friend to read it; she has had years and years of abuse from her adult son. He has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

Thank you @AgentJohnson for your helpful comments.

I am genuinely, truly staggered by the people on here berating the OP. Some of you come across as nuts. Wholly inappropriate, unbalanced, crazy crazy stuff.
If you hate other people so much you feel the need to do this shit, walk away from here and get professional help. It’s not normal behaviour.
OP, well done on raising what sounds like a very fine young man. He’ll be ok.

Yes end I’ve read that and more - I know it’s control - but I forget - I forget that it is more than just not listening - I forget that it has a term gaslighting - either this is my brain protecting itself as I cannot take anymore or a sign of “healing” - right now I don’t know which

It is like anything in life. Some people get it, others don't.
I am a bereaved mother of an adult child. My circle of friends has reduced according to those who get it and those who don't. I spare myself further pain by disengaging with those who dont.
However, it is incredibly hard when I am forced to engage with a couple of family members who don't get it.
Finally I made a stand and said I will not even be in the same room with them. For the sake of my mental health.
OP has children with this man. I can absolutely see how she has suffered as a consequence of being unable to detach completely from him.

@TheBigBallOfOil - you have made me blub -

Those that have my back can anyone tell me if I mentioned a train in Croatia - as per LynetteScavo post - I don’t think I have - but this is how fucked my head gets under pressure - I mentioned at the beginning X used to read my posts - all through divorce etc - and probably still is -

@endofthelinefinally

@LynetteScavo and this year it’s your job to guide your DC calmly through it without ranting about your ex

I will guide my DC through it not because “it’s my job” but because I’m their mother - if “it’s my job” I would be getting paid for it which I’m not!

As for ranting about x - if he continues to be a cunt I expect I’ll rant! Maybe you could ask him to play nicely now!

Just to say LynetteScavo has been on MN for years, and as most inter railed go to Croatia on a train I’m sure it was just a throw away comment.

I haven’t read enough of your previous posts to really understand the dynamics, so all I’m going to say is that I hope your downsizing & moving makes life easier for you! Your DS has done really well for himself and has saved well for this trip, so hopefully he can now use part time work to self fund then anything either if them get from you or their Dad us a bonus.

DD has maybe learnt that he’s never going to listen so she might as well accept what he does do, use it to her advantage (in this case use what she needs and sell/gift/donate the rest) instead of cutting off her nose to spite her face (now having to buy the stuff she does need that came in the pack). Yes, obviously it would be better if he listened and pulled up jus parenting socks, but sadly all three of you are just going to have to accept he is who he is and he won’t be changing anytime soon!

The kids need to see a solicitor about the trust from their grandmother so they understand it.

Best if luck to all 3 of you!

Those that have my back can anyone tell me if I mentioned a train in Croatia - as per LynetteScavo post - I don’t think I have - but this is how fucked my head gets under pressure - I mentioned at the beginning X used to read my posts - all through divorce etc - and probably still is

I’ve done an advanced search and it doesn’t look like you have posted about Croatia.

Ignore the cunty posts from posters OP. You’ve clearly done a great job raising your kids OP and have a great relationship with them.

You’ll move soon and hopefully be mortgage free and things will be looking much better.

I’ve no doubt that your kids will see what your ex is really like and reduce/eliminate contact.

Thank you to all those for your support it is very much appreciated.

Green,

You tend to divide people into those who support you and those who are against you. Life is not so black and white. You have been given advice from a number of posters which you have chosen to ignore over several threads.

I do find it hard to relate to self pity, especially when it goes on for years. You have enough money to buy w house outright and have had 3 years of spousal maintenance. Your children are now adults. At some point it is time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.

My late mother referred to my late father as ‘the fucker’ until her dying breath. It was far from her finest quality. Despite this, in a similar position to you (and in a far less woman friendly era) she retrained, got a job and got on with her life.

You need to think, at some point, how you want your children to remember you. At the moment, it will all be about poor Mum and the narcissist but, with more mature eyes, they will see a far more nuanced picture. I know I did.

You have it in your control what happens from here. Your ex is only in control if you allow him to be.

Greenberet, sadly, like this, and all your other posts, you continue to dismiss those who are really trying to help. You are still intent on only focussing on those who agree with you.

As for those saying that other posters are berating the OP, or saying that some of the posts are "cunty", some of us have interacted with/read previous posts on this subject (for myself going back over 4.5 years)

I have been in your situation - and worse - in common with other posters on here. We are trying to help in what worked for us in moving forward. However as another poster put it, you seem more intent on keeping your anger, resentment and bitterness fuelled, which will surely not be helping your mental health, which is a shame.

You also seem intent that, whatever the relationship between the DC and their dad, you don't want them to have one. Just let them do their own thing with him and decide for themselves. They are old enough to work things out. They can apply for student accounts with overdrafts. They can apply to court for maintenance from their dad if need be. They can approach their GF about the trust. They have their loans. They can get part time jobs to help support themselves. You've paid the deposit (irrelevant who pays it as you should get it back). I'm sure they can work it out from here.

I sincerely hope that, especially if you are still in the family home, then moving out will help and going far away to a new life. Wishing you all the best.

Hi @greenberet I have read through your post and I am really concerned about your wellbeing. I really do think you need to let it go and focus on yourself. On this new chapter in your life. We cannot change the past

@larrygrylls - there seems an ongoing assumption on MN that advice given needs to be taken - advice is merely someone’s opinion on a situation maybe from a perspective of having lived through a similar scenario or what they think they would do in a given situation.

It is up to the individual to decide what they do with the advice and I think life is very much people who support you and those who don’t!

If someone does not understand a situation they can still support but they do not have to give an opinion or advise - they can just sympathise.

You may call it self pity - I call it dealing with ongoing abuse - I totally agree at some point it is time to pick myself up dust myself of and move on - when that day will be who knows until I get there. It is not today!

Until the kids got their A level results there was no certainty as to what was happening - this was Thursday.

That was your Mum that is not me - good for her for achieving what she did.

My kids do not relate to me as poor Mum - unless you have had secret conversations with them I know nothing about - that is how you viewed your mum.

I don’t always refer to their father as the fucker IRL - he is their father - despite what language I use on here I can be restrained IRL.

@over50andfab - I do not chose to keep my anger fuelled - a situation occurs and I react - more significantly I react due to the impact on the kids - I do not go looking for situations to react to.

I am not bitter I am not resentful - the fucker - for you Larry - has done me a favour. My MH is as it is following years of stress that I have yet to get over - until I move - one of life’s top stressors I believe - I cannot start to recover fully.

I doubt anyone has been in my exact situation - similar yes and we all cope differently.

If you have read my previous posts you will know that I firmly believe kids need both parents - that is on the proviso that parents have their kids best interests at heart - this means listening to what they are telling you - even more so when they are adults - otherwise they will tell you to fuck off!

If they chose to have a relationship with their father and so far they have that is fine with me - I never wanted to do parenting alone - I do not get involved unless they come to me which in this case DS did.

I was 49 I never worked out emotional abuse nor did you it seems - so how do they just work it out without some form of guidance?

The rest of your post I agree with and thank you .

@heidbuttsupper my well-being is fine thank you for your concern - as soon as kids are off I will be focusing 100% on myself!

Is there a reason that you shouldn't be paying half?