The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

OP I think you need to sit down with your children and explain that their father is using money to control them and therefore you. So it is better if from now on they get loans to cover their expenses and work so that they are financially independent of their father. Then they don't rely on him financially so any relationship they have with him can be on their terms and not held to ransom. Also, any money that he does give them can be saved.

Could you go back to work to give you more financial stability? Are they going to the same university and if so could you rent or buy a house for them both or for you all?

Sorry green but you said l’ve been telling the kids for months that once they get to 18 I will no longer be able to support them financially but you are calling the ex a cunt for not supporting them exactly how you want, also you're saying you don't work, are you planning to? Am assuming there is massive back story? I would search previous posts of yours but I've seen before that it's bad form to do so?

That wasn't meant to be an arsey passive aggressive 'sorry but' more a 'sorry for being questioning'!

greenberet, I think you are getting some unsympathetic responses here. It's very difficult for people who haven't experienced this kind of financial abuse to grasp how deliberate and calcuating it is from the perpetrator, and how much it wears you down.

FWIW, my XH tried to get DD to sign a legal document overturning the terms of the Consent Order. He wanted to avoid transferring to DD a (fairly small) sum that had been earmarked for her university education, despite him earning a six figure salary. I told her under no circumstances whatsoever was she to do this: I'd had to drag him to FDR to get the CO in the first place. All that XH achieved was to show DD how much of a tw*t he is.

Oh, and it gives me enormous pleasure that she's now at university studying law

Green,

You cannot abdicate all responsibility for life based on the outcome of your marriage. Retiring to bed is not a solution to anything.

The more I read of your posts the more I see a dysfunctional family where everyone needs to take more responsibility.

Your ex took the trouble to offer some of the deposit and make a list and buy some uni essentials for your daughter. Sure, there are better ways of doing it but this is not the sign of a controlling person to me or an uninterested parent.

Your daughter sounds terribly spoiled (and completely irrational) asking him to take it back, and you could have encouraged her to accept practical help. At the end of the day, she could have used the bits she liked and added personal touches. Everything in life is not about ‘fun’ and she is old enough to realise that.

You actually sound pleased that she has thrown the gift back in his face. But, ultimately, this will backfire. The fact that you think he has let you and the family down (and I am sure he has) does not mean you cannot compound this by not engaging in life and supporting your children, as well as being careful not to alienate them from their father.

Green beret, I'm sorry you are going through this. I do understand how tough it is but I haven't read your older threads so I apologise if I am getting this wrong. Firstly congratulations to your dc for the great results, you must be very proud.

I have experienced similar, my ex left with the OW 3 years ago, moved 200 miles away and hasn't seen our now 16yr daughter since, and seen our 19 yr old (just completed 1st yr at University) 4 times. Gave up a highly paid job to earn £5k a year so he didn't have to pay much child maintenance and to weaken his position in the divorce. He's still got plenty of money, goes on multiple month long holidays abroad and hasn't once contributed to anything for the kids (doesn't even give birthday or Christmas presents either).

BUT.....so what really. His behaviour is his choice not ours. We've all kind of discounted him and expect no help. Of course I wish my kids still had a decent dad but they don't and all I can do is the best I can.

I work full time (unfortunately I don't earn a lot but I enjoy it). Money is tight but we're happy and settled and only rely on ourselves. There were lots of cost with starting Uni last year (I sold lots of my nice things on eBay because like you, you'd do anything to help the kids) but I don't expect anything from the ex. He was always horribly controlling with money and that was only ever going t get worse after we split. Leopards and spots and all that nonsense.

I realise he's making promises to your kids and that's unfair. Also that he's been a shit to you over the money. And probably a million other ways that he's let everyone down. But I don't understand why you are so angry now. I'm really not trying to get at you in anyway but it's not going to be doing you any good. My son has learnt to budget on his loan and it's done him good tbh. He even comes shopping with me in the holidays and bosses me about to find the bargains. They manage because they have to.

In my case I knew early on it was pointless to hope that he'd behave better so we've just got on with it. It's not easy financially or emotionally or bloody fair but I think if you stop expecting any different you'll find it much easier. We are all pretty happy now. Of course it shouldn't be like this, but it is. Expecting him still to show responsibility is always going to be a let down for you and the kids.

Could you borrow the rest of the deposit for the accommodation from family so your son can still go on his trip with peace of mind ?

Green

It sounds a little as though your judgement is clouded. You said you don't work so Presumably he must have been paying something. He's agreed to pay half the deposit and ask the GF for the rest - shouldn't you also be contributing something. He's bought your daughters list.I'm sure he treated you like shit and you have a right to be angry but I think you are blowing this out of proportion because of your built up anger. I know it's hard but you need to let it go

Another vote for let it go; walk away; earn your own money and be happy. He's gone, money OW & all. Just the 3 of you & that can be really great.

I agree - also great post from Larrygrylls.

I think whatever he chooses to do - and it is his choice - will be wrong in your eyes green. You say X will want to make a big show of providing for his kids - well great, just let him get on with it.

Perhaps along with your DC starting a new phase in their lives you could consider doing the same - find yourself a job and other interests to occupy your mind perhaps?

@larrygrylls

Your daughter sounds terribly spoiled (and completely irrational) asking him to take it back, and you could have encouraged her to accept practical help. At the end of the day, she could have used the bits she liked and added personal touches. Everything in life is not about ‘fun’ and she is old enough to realise that.

My Dd told him not to get her anything - she wanted to do this herself - she does not agree that she needs most of the items on the list - to her it’s a waste of money - far more useful had he contributed more to her accommodation deposit too. She is prepared to buy her stuff herself if it comes to this. HE DOES NOT LISTEN TO HER

My Dd is capable of expressing her needs and wants - he chooses to ride roughshod over these and do what HE wants - he will no doubt have reason to “punish” her as she has been “ungrateful” in not accepting his purchase.

There is a huge backstory - if anyone is interested it’s all on here.

Actually I don’t give a fuck about what he “chooses” to do - I give a fuck that what he DOES upsets the kids. They tell him what they need he ignores this and does what he wants - they are 18 now - surely he should be listening?

I have plenty of interests to occupy my mind - but have to get through this first - I realise I am stupid - I thought Now that this money goes straight to kids he would pay up - but no he still thinks I should be paying half - and so is going to make things difficult.

Perhaps if I’d come out with zero from the divorce he may have left this alone

I have depression - a day in bed is self care - I have been running around after everyone else keeping all plates spinning as I guess you single mums understand. Not easy when you have been shafted by not only your X but the legal system too.

Please stop telling me to let this go - and that my judgement is clouded - my anger is my anger - actually I am pretty peaceful today - women’s Aid are working with me as they think my “story” highlights abuse at many levels - so I think this is credibility enough don’t you?

Thank you to those that just get this - sorry that you do though

@larrygrylls I’m not even sure you’ve read my posts

If depression means I’m dysfunctional then fuck me where’s the understanding of Mental Health?

My kids are learning to take responsibility for themselves - had he just fucked off and left them alone then I’m sure we’d all be coping by now and “functional” whatever this is.

It’s the mind games - the saying of I’ll do this but then doesn’t or what do you want me to do then does the opposite - this is what fuels the anger because it is emotional abuse - none of it is coincidental, none of it is reasonable - these two words do not feature in a narcissist character - and just to defend myself again - the counsellor who met us both told me he was narcisstic - so a professional opinion as much as you can get one

Those who don't agree wholeheartedly with your approach don't necessarily 'not get it' because of more fortunate circumstances. There may be equally unfortunate circumstances, but different choices resulting in different outcomes. Your anger isn't just your anger. It comes through your posts, and I imagine will be palpable to those who know you.

Thankyou @StationView - good on your Dd😂

My anger is my anger.

Indeed it is and you have every right to be but what does being ‘right’ actually get you? There are no medals or awards. If you really want to support your children, encourage them to disengage.

In your daughters situation, I would have accepted the items and put what she needed on eBay and made some cash to buy the stuff she really wanted.

It sounds like you are all stuck waiting for him to be the person he isn’t going to be. You can not control his behaviour but you can control how you react to it, choosing to let him use his money to manipulate you all is a choice, a not very productive or rewarding one but a choice nether the less.

Your children need to see you not giving a toss to learn to not give on either.

Now that this money goes straight to kids he would pay up - but no he still thinks I should be paying half but why wouldn't you pay half? Or do you think he should pay for everything now? Did you get spousal maintenance previously?

Can I just add, as I’ve been through this, .the money paid for the deposit is as it says - a deposit, so refundable at the end of the year. Just make sure that DS knows that any shortfall had to be met by him and you expect the full amount back!

@TitianiTitsling - all the answers are in my posts if you can be bothered to read them

Are you saying that I should not feel angry because he is emotionally abusing his kids?

If he was hitting them instead would my anger then be justified or should I just let this go too?

As for accepting the item and then selling on eBay - yes she could have done this - but she has chosen to stand her ground and make him listen to her - what he could have done in the first place!

green I have read back through and can't see anything about spousal maintenance or why you shouldn't have to pay anything other than you say you shouldn't, other than you say you don't work and shouldn't- so apologies if lve missed a reason, unless you mean all the posts in all threads?

I also dont know why you shouldn't pay half?

I also don't understand this she has told him not to buy anything else - his answer is “we won’t” - this just makes her more pissed off why does that make her more pissed off if he does what she says?

And him taking control taking all the fun away & going to IKEA with her & not us I can't see how he can win here. You don't want him to buy her stuff from Ikea but you also say he should be paying everything.

Tbh I think you are a main part of the problem

You seem to be saying in every post that you are right.

Ok, if we accept that you are 100% in the right, are you happy?

Ok so you don't work I get that so how do you live day to day? What's your source of income?

Just trying to understand first, I've been there with the shit x who stopped paying maintenance the day he legally could and has refused to pay a penny towards uni for her because she didn't want to do the degree that he said would be best for her and read that as best for him to not pay much

Titiana yes I had spousal for 3 years - I should be in full time work now according to judge - who concluded that my depression would cease to exist once divorce over - funny that - I’ve had it for 20 years diagnosed.
This paid DS school fees that X claimed were in affordable - and that he chose not to contribute to - he spent on luxury holidays instead and to continue to rent former family home.

@Horehound - it is because he refers to OW in “we” - there is no “we” in dds eyes it is just him!

As for you don’t want him buying her stuff from ikea but you also say he should be paying for everything

It is DD THAT DOESNT WANT THIS - did I not make this clear

And HE has told kids he will help out with uni - obviously help out means buy you things you don’t want but not do what would really help

I think the problem is that he doesn’t listen to his kids - nothing new here

The problem on here is not reading my posts correctly

Whatever noimagination

It is gaslighting of the highest order.
Dd tells him what she needs and what she does not need. He then insists on buying what she has told him she does not need. Then gets angry.
Years of this would drive anybody round the bend. Especially when it is done so cleverly that other people cannot see it. As demonstrated on this thread.