The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

@ItsInTheSpoon - thankyou and for you

@TheBigBallOfOil - really really appreciate you continuing to support me - this is more than just armchair psychology - it is very scary how people that claim they are supporting you are doing the complete opposite but do not have the insight to realise this!

@Notrusthere

Your ex has bought your daughter stuff from Ikea

Stuff that she told him prior to his shopping trip that she did not need or want but he went ahead and purchased it anyway -

and set up a group chat to discuss what other stuff she needs/he and he can pay for

A group chat including OW that Dd has never acknowledged, spoken to, or met during the past 5 years (except when X engineered them being in the same place at the same time)

...and she's thrown both those things back in his face?! I think that's pretty ungrateful.

Yes she felt she would seem ungrateful but she had told him not to get the stuff. He chose to ignore her and then try and guilt trip her into accepting stuff that she did not want -

she can accept what they offer and be grateful. NO she doesn’t have to do this either - there is probably a term for this that describes this behaviour but I can’t think of it offhand

But this doesn't sound like abuse to me. that is clear from your post but I can assure you it is - you have to look at all the incidents and you will see a pattern - a pattern of the x behaviour and a pattern of the impact on DC

It sounds like a father trying to help his daughter financially with the help of his partner

It is a father trying to financially control and manipulate his Dd into accepting the OW!

I’m saying this to be supportive - I realise you might not take it that way. But I think you should try and stop referring to your ex’s girlfriend as OW when talking to/about your children. She has been in their father’s life for 5 years so may well be a permanent feature and they would be much happier if they could build a relationship with her. That’s not to belittle your relationship or replace you in any way - but to help them move on. Your ex did not leave them for her - please help them to see that. It’s your relationship with him that ended not theirs.

@greenberet thank you for the flowers. The behaviour you are describing whereby the ex does/gives things that make him look good - despite these being things not wanted, or even specifically asked not to be done/given - is very hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced it, because of course it is intended to make a good impression and thus it makes the recipient look ungrateful if they do not appear pleased! It’s a “headfuck” (a term I came across on here and is a perfect word). I hope you will be able to start enjoying life when your move has taken place x

@Rapidmama - I’m not even going to bother !

@HeckyPeck - thank you much appreciated

@Teachermaths

OP none of the recent things you have said in this thread are abusive.

I think “abuse” can be defined as continually doing something that upsets another - when you have been asked not to do something and do it anyway this compounds it

Your ex doesn't sound great, but he's trying.

He wants “people” to think that he is “trying” but it is very very clever subtle and covert manipulation

The group chat is fine,. No it is not dd does not want anything to do with OW

why is your dd so poisoned against his new gf? I guess this is down to you.

Nice use of language here - if Dd is “poisoned against his new GF* not new reason marriage broke up they were having an affair for 6 months before I found out and I only did because her DH was going to tell me if X didn’t -

No not down to me - but thank you for assuming this - Ds has met her been on holiday with her and her kids - if I had poisoned Dd surely I would have poisoned DS too!

Dd wants nothing to do with her - completely her decision and due to her father breaking Dd’s Trust by revealing some very personal information to oW about Dd and continually lying to Dd about his whereabouts when he was with OW and continually chosing to prioritise OW and her kids over Dd

I will move on in MY time when I’m ready.

@Teachermaths

Your kids would not have known this is where you honeymooned or even that it was your anniversary.

Would they not? Given that our anniversary was two days after his DM’s birthday who sadly died whilst we were on holiday on our anniversary which meant X had to travel back to the Uk leaving us abroad - I guess you’re right!

You have clearly told them and spun it to them. there is no spin it is a fact and they saw me upset enough to realise something was not ok

Your ex isn't alone in his mind games.

I do play mind games - what is the point?

In the words of Elsa, let it go. not into Frozen either

@MrsWobble3

I’m saying this to be supportive - I realise you might not take it that way. But I think you should try and stop referring to your ex’s girlfriend as OW when talking to/about your children

She will always be OW in my eyes - she gets no respect from me - I can forgive the affair but I cannot accept how she has been complicit in events since then. Also Dd happened to see something she sent to X saying I was “unhinged and twisted” so I think she may well have made her own bed!

She has been in their father’s life for 5 years so may well be a permanent feature and they would be much happier if they could build a relationship with her.

I expect she is permanent unless he cheats on her too - it is up to them if they want to build a relationship - see comments upthread re DS - Dd often refers to her as bitch - so OW is pretty tame!

That’s not to belittle your relationship or replace you in any way - but to help them move on. Your ex did not leave them for her - please help them to see that. It’s your relationship with him that ended not theirs.

They are moving on - yes my relationship with him ended - the treatment of me since by him has been appalling to say the least - lies and more lies and manipulation of everything to try and destroy me emotionally and financially - and in doing so put me through hell and the kids too - I read somewhere the greatest gift a father can give his DCs is to show respect to their mother - even when they are no longer together - this costs nothing - yet he has zero respect for me as a person never mind their mother and you want me to help them to have a relationship with him.

The only thing I have to do is show them what is healthy and unhealthy interaction- the rest is up to them - and you know what I used to communicate with him telling him he was upsetting the kids with his behaviour but he chose to ignore me - so he can go to fuck

I’m sorry but your post has made me feel very angry as you obviously have no idea of what I have been through either that or yo7 must be a saint if you could forgive and do what you are asking me to do!

@ItsInTheSpoon - “headfuck” describes it pretty well but I think their is a recognised professional term that I cannot think of right now

I need to get off here now and out myself back together x

I will move on in MY time when I’m ready.

And completely fuck up your kids in the process. 5 years is a long time. Sort yourself out.

@Teachermaths

I think my kids have proved that they are not fucked up by achieving their exam results and getting their choice in uni - my Ds even had the choice to upgrade.

5 years is a long time compared to what 20 years of marriage? How exactly should I have sorted myself out in your book - I have depression that hinders recovery - I could adopt the fake it til I make it - or package all this up and hide it away somewhere in the depths of my mind - but. Believe unless you deal with this stuff as it is happening it comes back and bites you On the arse

Exam results have absolutely nothing to do with not being fucked up. Their general behaviour and attitude to life does. Your daughters reaction to the group chat is unhealthy. Your children's reaction to the Singapore trip is unhealthy and influenced by you.

Every single comment you make has some comparison or link to your marriage. Your marriage ended 5 years ago. Yes it is time to move on. I don't care how you do this. But whatever you are doing now isn't working. You're dragging yourself into situations that you don't need to be involved in. Find someone else. It will do you the world of good and give you a new focus. Right now your focus is being as bitter as you can towards your ex. That isn't healthy.

@Teachermaths, I’m glad somebody said it

@Teachermaths - given your User name I find it quite odd that you think exam results have no reflection of a child’s state of mind.

Had my kids been “fucked up” they would not have had the capacity to deal with the revision needed to secure the grades they got. On top of this both of them have had part time jobs in a top retail department store that they have managed to continue with at the same time.

My Ds has had several situations that indicated that he could have been going down a route to being “fucked up”. - these are all in my threads bar one! My Ds came second in his year group which is a fucking fantastic achievement - even more so when a lot on here seem to think he is living in a dysfunctional and unhealthy environment - so how did he achieve this then if he is “fucked up”? I would have thought he would have fucked up his grades if he was fucked up!

They have a fantastic attitude to life And their behaviour is generally fantastic too! My Dd has an interview on Friday for the same top Retail department store in Oxford Street London - did you get this Teacher
I am fully expectant that she will get this job - a part time job to go alongside her uni study - I don’t think this sounds like “fucked up” do you?

My Dd reaction to the group chat is exactly what I would expect from someone who knows her own mind and respects her own boundaries - sadly her DF does not respect her mind or boundaries - why should she engage with someone she has no relationship with - might as well include any Tom dick or Harry in the group chat!

You are right on one thing - every comment I make has some link to my marriage because every single comment is related to abuse that either I am still subject to or my kids are!

What I am doing appears to be working from how I see it. If my kids come to me asking for help I am not going to refuse this because it relates to my X - their DF - a cunt of a man!

I have someone else FYI - so how does that fit in with your diagnosis that it will do me the world of good - maybe this just amplifies how much abuse I am still under!

Right now my focus is getting my kids settled in uni with everything they need. Hopefully their finance has come through to pay for their accommodation otherwise this could be a huge stumbling block - I need to check this out!

I don’t know why you are so bitter towards me - that is definitely unhealthy!

@Rapidmama - ditto my last reply to you !

If they're that fine and dandy then his abuse is obviously not working. So why the ranting and railing about it? You and your DD could just roll your eyes together over the group chat Ikea stuff, call him whatever and get on with your day rather than you flying into an internal rage.

Exam results have nothing to do with a child's state of mind, neither does having a job on Oxford Street. Again your focus is on the wrong things. As a teacher I see mentally unstable kids pass exams, and mentally stable ones fail all the time.

Step back, like a PP said, roll your eyes and move on.

None of this is good for you.

Your focus isn't in them getting to uni, instead it's sagging off their father again.

You can get a credit card for the short term to fund uni costs. I'm surprised your child hasn't been saving money from their amazing job to fund university. It's a shame you were all too busy focusing on dad to actually sort this stuff yourselves.

I agree, I went to a top 3 uni and it was riddled with kids who were extremely academic but had eating disorders, alcohol problems, stress manifesting as IBS, gallstones, ulcers, anxiety disorders, and so on.

Unfortunately OP won't see anything outside of her view of the situation. It is clear that she is still very angry, and bitter. Her kids are telling her they are not happy, and she is not listening. There is no point in responding to the OP.

I am angry with the constant slating me off that goes on here - some of you who have no idea about my kids other than what I post on here yet you all appear to be experts on what is right or wrong for them.

My focus is on getting them to uni - i could have rolled my eyes at many of his antics but this doesn’t solve the issue - does it? - what should I have done when he refused to pay my DS school fees - roll my eyes and say move on!

@Teachermaths I really don’t know how you can say exam results are not a reflection of ones state of mind - it is all relative as for getting a credit card - are you an expert on my financial situation too?

I have no access to credit - if the grant does not come through in time I CANNOT PAY IT - it is that simple!

My children have been funding much more than they should have - it is not a case that x cannot afford any of this - he chooses not to pay it.

@hammeringinmyhead - my kids have none of those issues - maybe their parents put all the focus on them getting good grades despite everything else - I have no expectations of my kids other than I want them to happy know their own self worth and above all be able to show kindness and compassion to those that are not doing so well - something that is severly lacking on MN these days.

@chemicalworld - yes I am angry - only when situations like this occur - not all the time and no not bitter - where have I said my kids are not happy?

As usual great distortion of facts - if there’s no point in responding don’t read don’t post - otherwise it looks like you are just antagonising because what you really mean is for people to keep posting and attacking me

Part of me doesn't want to be on the receiving end of a tongue lashing, but then I am compelled to say I find this thread very disturbing. If I understand correctly a rich husband of a non working wife cheated and lied and went off with another woman 5 years ago. Since then he may have shirked financial responsibilities, but during those 5 years the OP has continued to be reliant on him to finance her and has no personal income from working. I can see how this must sting, but I cannot see how this level of anger can be seen as in any way a sensible way to choose to live. Bad things do happen to some of us. We can't change that, but we can choose how to protect ourselves in the future. You could earn the money to provide for you and your children. You could roll your eyes when he does something incredibly stupid / thoughtless like the WhatsApp group. I have found concerning the support for your anger so very long after the event. It may have been justified at the time, but now it is only harming you and those close to you.

They have told you previously that the childish behaviour exhibited by you and your ex husband has ruined their lives.

You are still angry and bitter, perhaps you always have been - but it doesn't matter how many people point it out to you, you still think you are justified. I will no doubt get another tongue lashing and you will be angry at me. I don't really care, I think most people are quite shocked by your posts, and think that you need to get help for both your own sake, and that of your children.

I am the daughter of a mother who let my fathers affair and abandonment taint her life for many many years after. I ended up screaming at her, 15 years after the event that I did not want to hear any more about it. Your anger, your bitterness is affecting your children. Go and get help.

Your DD will come to see in time that the text she read was right, you are “unhinged and twisted”. My DM is too and like your DD I didn't see it for a long time as my DF's abuse and wrong doings were much more overt. In fact it's her behaviour that has had the most lasting impact, especially as she led me to believe that it was all "for me" and that we were somehow friends in cahoots against the horrible system and my DF who were out to screw us.

We're very low contact now and her behaviour has fucked me up far more than my DF's. Although perhaps you won't see that as a I have two top class degrees, a professional career and even worked my way through uni. In some ways I feel sorry for her and my dad did treat her like shit, but just like you OP she'll never listen, it's far easier to be the victim and play the martyr than to actually make healthy changes to herself. Like you she's an expert in diagnosing everyone else's wrongdoings.

You know what there are some nasty nasty people on here - i find this very disturbing.

He was a rich husband because I facilitated his career by being a SAHM that was a joint decision at the time. It suited him otherwise he would not have been able to work away from home and do the late evenings / early mornings he needed to.

I may have no personal income from working but our income was joint as deemed so by the law - not only this but I had a payout for breast cancer which was used to support me - again very selective recollection of facts @Noimaginationxyzz

So the latest is unless Dd communicates with Ow and x together x will not give her money towards her living costs - now you tell me whether this is acceptable behaviour or more financial and emotional abuse.

I have the support of my GP, my MH team when I needed them and Women’s Aid -

A narcisstic trait I understand is using information that a person has provided and twisting that information to manipulate its meaning and then using this against the person who divulged the information in the first place. There seems to be a lot of this going on by certain posters.

I come on here for support and continually get abused by people claiming they are supporting me - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

@Noimaginationxyzz - funny how me pointing out where people have incorrectly judged me translates as a tongue lashing - decent people might say sorry for misunderstanding - but not abusive people -eh?

@chemicalworld - now I understand why you hold the views you do - I am not your mother - somehow you seem to have got your own life and mine confused - what is your relationship with your DF?

@whitershadeofpale seems like you take after your mother an expert in diagnosing everyone else’s wrongdoings.

Shame you can’t MOVE ON from your mothers behaviour - how old are you and it’s still effecting you - and the only way you can deal with it is by avoiding contact with her - how very very sad!

I am not your mother and my Dd is not you - we are not friends in cahoots - I could quite easily tell my dd not my problemo - you either communicate with Ow and get the money or don’t and finance yourself - maybe this is what you had to face - but I am trying to support her in what is another abusive attack on her wellbeing