The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

In the nicest possible way you clearly need some professional help.

You married a narcissist- as did i - and it's tough. But actually you come across very narcissistic yourself and a clue to this is that you have zero awareness of the big picture we are all part of. When you include the word 'abuse' in the title of your post and talk about your children getting top scores, after being funded through private school, good enough to go to the best uni, and having received over £800 per month for 2 kids ffs...when you imply that the abuse yout kids are experiencing is as bad as physical abuse ...that you need help from Womens Aid - you seem completely unaware that many of the people you're ranting to are dealing with far, far worse things and in many cases with no hope of resolution. This is narcissism big time and for me personally it jars in a big way. The practice of daily gratitude is important and helps offset all the poor me stuff.which can otherwise overwhelm the gazillions of us with crap exes and partners.

@greenberet Croatia was a guess, I'm not your ex or his GF or anyone else who knows you in RL As you say, your head is "fucked" - I should have been kinder and not posted.

And I do lots of "jobs" I'm not paid for. Sheesh!

I wish your DC all the best as they head off to uni. I think it would be a good time to focus on yourself, moving on and letting go. I suggest you seek professional help to do so.

She can't pay half because she's not worked in 20 years. Hubby I guess subsidised her life.

Meh, I don't have sympathy. Sounds like her cushty deal has come to an end and she's bitter. Just saw on another thread about how the judge was wrong, solicitors are wrong, as is wrong. Guess what, everyone is wrong except her. I'd love to hear the exes side!!

@Horehound - what a nasty comment to make

Did you read the part where Legal Ombudsman have ruled in my favour against my solicitors - nah I guessed not!

@Lauren850 - I am fully aware that there are people who have suffered and are suffering in circumstances far worse than mine.

Am I not allowed to be suffering then because my circumstances are different. Are you saying that what I have been through does not amount to financial and emotional abuse - why because my kids were lucky enough to go to private school.?

I guess then when my Ds Googled how to kill yourself at school this was not real either - or when the police turned up on my doorstep after an organisation called them - this was what also not real?

I find actually that your post is a complete contradiction because it seems to imply that abuse only happens to people who are less financially well off? Well it is you that is not aware of the bigger picture!

Women’s Aid are interested in my story because my circumstances highlight how abuse is prevalent throughout - so not only did I suffer at the hands of my X but from my legal representation, from the court system, from the CM system - all of these meant to protect.

I refer to physical abuse because there are some on here that seem to struggle to understand the realms of emotional abuse. Had I got bruises instead would you say that I was still narcisstic or would this be
enough to be believed.

For someone who has obviously suffered the fact that you are unable to recognise another sufferer because you are blinded by the ££ - says more about you than me - I’m sorry you have suffered - this is not meant to be a competition to see who is suffering more.

Hopefully there are people out there who may learn something from my story - maybe recognise “themselves” and the life they are living. Hopefully my circumstances with the power of Women’s Aid may implement some changes so that the systems meant to help do not compound the situation. This is the bigger picture I am looking at

@LynetteScavo - your guess was spot on - “fucked” head - another symptom of being lied to for over 6 months re OW - constantly on guard unable to know what is gut instinct or paranoia - thank you for clarifying.

greenberet
In spite of all the publicity and attempts to educate the public, there are people who cannot grasp that years of abuse and gaslighting can and do cause severe and debilitating depression.
Your dc have done so well.
I agree with pp who are saying that they are now old enough to get legal advice about their trust fund, decide for themselves about contact with their father, pursue their studies and their independence.
These are life skills and you have done well to set them on that path.
Now you can move far away, no more contact with ex. You have a chance to start to heal.
I don't know how old you are, but it is never too late to build a life for yourself.

It's the huge sense of entitlement and specialness i was picking up on OP, nothing to do with money. Also lack of appreciation for the things you've been gifted with (kids who sail through exams despite some emotional difficulties- that's rare and wonderful!). Also lack of empathy for your own kids - you talk about their feelings but it feels more that you're ascribing your own feelings to them....as others have said it must be terrible for them to see your long term depression / anger and devastation. Their future happiness will depend at least partly on your capacity to recover, let go of the rage and rediscover the positive things in life.

Take legal action for your kid’s shares in his mum’s estate

I have many positive things in my life but when you have depression sometimes it is difficult to appreciate these things.

There is nothing special about me and entitled I hardly think so - you don’t know my life battles from childhood through to today.

Things I’ve been gifted or worked for? My kids were “gifted” certain things then had them taken away from them by their DF - not because he couldn’t afford it but for reasons he chose that to me look like abuse, punishment of a child?

My kids did not sail through exams - do not underestimate “ emotional difficulties” - rare and wonderful - no they worked for these - they got their own reward!

Lack of empathy for my kids - how very dare you - everything I have done every decision I have made has taken them into account. Sometimes I am not able to function as I would like - I have depression - whether some of you think this is self pity or what it is recognised professionally!

I do my best even when I would rather give up because as I have been told many times let it go, move forward.

Yes it has not been easy for them to see the effects of this on me - but this is as a result of the impact on them - can you imagine what it felt like to receive a call from the school telling you your son has been googling how to kill yourself -my ds was referred to CAMHS before this - he refused to go - his father thought it was a school boy prank!

I can guarantee you that they will see me recover - so will you lot on here who doubt me. Their happiness however will mostly be based on their own self worth something I am doing everyday to try and get them to value.

THEIR success in THEIR exams is one of the things I am trying to get them to value.

I have no direct contact with their DF.

I feel so extremely sorry for Your dc, You must be utterly exhausting to live with, You are so full of hatred and bitterness towards your ex you are letting it consume your life. Do them a favour and move on, You are causing so much damage to them by holding on to this grudge against your ex.

Op I’m sorry this thread seems to have become a magnet for some of the more screwed up citizens of MN to have a go at you. If I was you I’d ask for it to be deleted. Things sound difficult enough right now without engaging with the assortment of incompetent amateur psychologists you seem to have attracted.
This is not the healthy place it used to be.
I hope you get things sorted out.

@ZeroFuchsGiven - Don’t feel sorry for my kids - they do not need your sympathy - you have no idea about my life other than what I post on here - this is one aspect of it. My kids chose to live with me - their exam results are a pretty good indicator that they are doing very well.

I have no grudge against him I am just documenting his behaviour and how it affects the kids which in turn impacts on me.

If I were to let it go I would effectively be complicit in the emotional abuse he is dishing out. But maybe you are one of those that do not get it.

Thanks BigBall - the latest in this sorry saga is that the x in his wisdom decided to set up a group chat for him & Dd & Ow - his justification that it is her money too being used to purchase any items for Dd.

dd promptly deleted it - why can he not get it that Dd wants nothing to do with OW never has never will - just manages to piss her off yet again.

How is it that in 2 days following DC’s exam results he manages to upset both of them and makes THEM going off to uni all about HIM

No wonder my head is ‘fucked’ is this the sort of shite I was dealing with during my marriage but never actually saw it for what it was.

@TheBigBallOfOil Us screwed up citizens of Mumsnet have been reading the same threads from op for 5 years + She needs serious RL intervention with her MH. Posters coming on her threads telling her she is right and her ex is abusive is doing her absolutely no favours at all.

She insists her ex is a Narc and is abusing her dc, the reality is the abuse the dc are suffering is down to op. All the years worth of threads are available to read although some have been deleted. The ex seems to do whatever he can for the dc, going to school/uni helping them sort courses and accommodation etc. The op struggles to get out of bed most of the time so is not available for the practical support her dc need yet when her ex helps in any way shape or form she see's it as 'abuse' to get back at her.

The op was the one who was physically aggressive to her ex and I'm pretty sure at one point her Fil had to get some police intervention to stop her harassing him.

Even on her last thread last week saying she was proud of her Dc's exam results she could not help but have to bring her ex into it, she is utterly obsessed to the point it is consuming her life and hurting her dc in the process.

A lot of people on these boards have tried their very best to help her but she will not listen. Unless you are agreeing how much of an arsehole her ex is then she starts crying that people are horrible to her or 'don't understand' when that is not the case at all.

I understand breakups are difficult but this obsession in seriously unhealthy for op and her dc, they are exhausted by it all, she has had threads saying they are exhausted with it all yet she carries on with this not giving one care at how it is affecting them.

Anyway I'm out, this thread is totally pointless and op will be back tomorrow or next week with a new thread and new scenario.

I think her children can come through this. They are bright and off to university where time, distance and new friends will give them a different perspective. Their father and his new partner are clearly patient - after 5 years of having everything thrown back in their faces they are still reaching out for a relationship with his children. I reckon with time they’ll build one. I just hope green beret is equally successful in moving on with her new life too.

@greenberet just come on to give you a bit of support - you’re managing to get through a hellish time and doing everything you can to help and support your children - not easy x unfortunately for me, I get what you are saying x

That may very well all be true.
The line some people, who clearly don’t know anything about the background, is frankly nuts. Armchair psychiatry at its absolute worst.

Your ex has bought your daughter stuff from Ikea and set up a group chat to discuss what other stuff she needs/he and he can pay for.....and she's thrown both those things back in his face?! I think that's pretty ungrateful.

She doesn't have to like his girlfriend, she doesn't have to meet up and have tea with her, she can accept what they offer and be grateful.

I'm sorry you have experienced emotional abuse I really am. But this doesn't sound like abuse to me. It sounds like a father trying to help his daughter financially with the help of his partner

You’re really going to phone women’s aid about this?

This is not the healthy place it used to be.

Agreed. People can’t wait to stick the boot in it seems.

Keep your chin up OP.

Some of us actually still want to support people.

@ZeroFuchsGiven- nobody asks you to read my posts - you chose to - so what if I have been posting for 5 years - this is how long this shite has been going on! I doubt it will end - I expect X will continue to try and control and manipulate DC’s throughout their lives until they tell him to stop.

I’ve had RL intervention from MH - how have you missed this fact when I talk about it as with everything else?

Last time I went to my GP asking for referral back to them he didn’t feel it was necessary and right now I am ok with this.

She insists her ex is a Narc and is abusing her dc, the reality is the abuse the dc are suffering is down to op

Did you also miss the bit where I said the counsellor who saw us BOTH referred to x as a narc?

The reality is very different from your perception.

All the years worth of threads are available to read although some have been deleted.

Yes I have documented all of it on here -3 reasons it helps get it out my head which is something MH professional suggest helps, I get support from some lovely posters and it is a record of how I have felt over this period.

The ex seems to do whatever he can for the dc, going to school/uni helping them sort courses and accommodation etc.

No the X manipulates and controls the DC - look up covert narcissism you may learn something

The op struggles to get out of bed most of the time so is not available for the practical support her dc need

I suffer with depression - a MH condition that has required RL intervention - the time I struggle to get out of bed is when I post on here usually - the rest of the time I am functioning as best I can - practical support? What do you mean by this exactly? Some of the things the kids have had to do will stand them in good stead for when they get to uni - unlike the X’s Mother I will not be doing their washing and cleaning when they are capable of doing this themselves - If you have read my threads you will recall whenever I asked him to help out - yes HELP OUT with HIS kids he thought I was punishing him! WTF?

yet when her ex helps in any way shape or form she see's it as 'abuse' to get back at her

Yes mostly because this is exactly what it is - to get back at me or piss off the kids - anyone that knowingly does something that upsets someone else - I think is regarded as abuse - why would they continue to do this if they have been asked not to - and I am referring to DCs here

@ZeroFuchsGiven

The op was the one who was physically aggressive to her ex - yes once after I snapped at being continually goaded

and I'm pretty sure at one point her Fil had to get some police intervention to stop her harassing him.

No you have got this wrong - I was threatened with police intervention after I contacted FIL for help - probably very much like situation now which for all I know maybe a set up against me again

Even on her last thread last week saying she was proud of her Dc's exam results she could not help but have to bring her ex into it,

I think you will find that I posted a separate thread saying how well the kids had done and how proud I was of them - it is only this thread that refers to the X after his behaviour started to impact on the kids

she is utterly obsessed to the point it is consuming her life

No I am trying to move forward - move into a new home - start a new life which is continually thwarted by having to deal with issues created by X

and hurting her dc in the process.

EVERYTHING I DO IS ABOUT PROTECTING DC

A lot of people on these boards have tried their very best to help her but she will not listen.

Where does it say I HAVE TO LISTEN - I take on board all that is said but if I do not agree with something I am not going to do it because you say I should - this is abusive behaviour in itself!

Unless you are agreeing how much of an arsehole her ex is then she starts crying that people are horrible to her or 'don't understand' when that is not the case at all.

This is just plain nasty! There are clearly some who do not understand

I understand breakups are difficult but this obsession in seriously unhealthy for op and her dc,

No obsession - yes abuse is seriously unhealthy to the point that both my DS and myself have felt suicidal

they are exhausted by it all, she has had threads saying they are exhausted with it all

Yes I am bloody exhausted by it all I expect DCs are too

yet she carries on with this not giving one care at how it is affecting them

The only reason I am continuing to post is because I care about how all this impacts them!

Anyway I'm out, this thread is totally pointless and op will be back tomorrow or next week with a new thread and new scenario.

If this thread is so pointless why do you continue to comment? Actually this is a very good example of how covert narcissism works - because on first reading it appears that you are trying to help me when really all you are doing is sticking the bloody knife in.

You are selective with what you remember, you take things out of context to create a completely different version of events and can’t seem to say one bloody good thing at all - from memory I think this is not the first time.

Thank you for helping to reaffirm in my mind exactly what I am dealing with when it comes to the x and to be able to spot this behaviour in others!

If I am back with a new thread it means the X is continuing to abuse - I really hope this is not the case but sadly I think this is one thing you are right on!

Don’t bother commenting if this is the case - it only goes to show how covert narcissism works at its best!

OP none of the recent things you have said in this thread are abusive. Your ex doesn't sound great, but he's trying. The group chat is fine, why is your dd so poisoned against his new gf? I guess this is down to you.

You need to move on and get over it.

Stop expecting anything from your ex, get your MH sorted and get back to work and support yourself.

@MrsWobble3 - your post was nearly very supportive until you said this

Their father and his new partner are clearly patient - after 5 years of having everything thrown back in their faces they are still reaching out for a relationship with his children.

His new partner was OW who wrecked the DC’s life as they new it - DC continue to have a relationship with their DF - this is their choice - yes they are bright as the6 have shown and I’m hoping they get through this.

Hopefully with time and distance they will see the mindgames x and OW play - particularly the ones where X could have contributed to DS school fees but chose his holidays instead - the last one to Singapore on what would have been our 25 wedding anniversary and where we spent our honeymoon. But yes I have been told this is purely coincidental!

I will get through this no doubt about that - it’s just taken longer and been much harder than I ever thought but I’m dealing with a grade A cunt so what did I expect!

the last one to Singapore on what would have been our 25 wedding anniversary

Your kids would not have known this is where you honeymooned or even that it was your anniversary. You have clearly told them and spun it to them. Your ex isn't alone in his mind games.

In the words of Elsa, let it go.