The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

Oh sorry, yes in the UK that might be the case re: CM.

The trust issue should be the same though!

Just to update - I paid it - ive also emailed GF. I doubt i will get a useful reply - previously I’ve been told I’m harrassing him.

X has told kids he will help out - niaively they still want to take him at his word - they haven’t quite got to grips with full on covert narcissism.

I’ve told them to get details of what “we will help out” means ( this is him & OW).

You can only book accommodation once you get results @larrygrylls and when you get acceptance from uni. X took ds to school to get results - ds went back with him afterwards and when both Dd & I spoke to ds he was “sorting out financials” with x - quite what this is I didn’t know.

Ds was out Thursday night with friends - he came home yesterday lunchtime to pack - and do whatever else he needs - this turn of events was prompted by uni sending email saying you need to book accommodation by Sunday.

Ds had obviously been speaking to X - who must have said I’m only paying £250 - the issue of the balance must have been questioned and I’m assuming this is when x told ds to phone GF.

Ds did phone GF but he didn’t pick up. Ds then spoke to x - I don’t know exactly what was discussed but this is when Ds came to me.

I don’t know why this has occurred other than it is pretty par for the course. X has said he will get them both laptops ( through the business so no personal expense) and He is off to IKEA with OW today to get DS his “list”

I expect this is his way of only paying “half” - this too has happened before over kids school uniform - there is one hell of a distortion going on his head - I can pay “half” when he decides - but he will not be upfront - yet when it came to settlement “half” translates to “bare fucking minimum” as far as I’m concerned.

I am so fucking sick of this - I told kids I could no longer support them financially when we got to this stage - and yet I’m still being caught in this abuse - with kids as ransom

@Horehound - did I NEED to pay school fees - well the choice was risk DS mental health at the time who had googled how to kill yourself at school - or pay them - I chose to pay them - no question - same again now really!

Kids are becoming more resilient - I’m sure one day they will tell him to fuck off!

www.separateddads.co.uk/what-age-do-child-maintenance-payments-stop.html

“If your child is planning on attending university then they can apply to the courts for maintenance from the non resident parent. The courts do have the power to extend child maintenance to cover the duration of higher education if the non resident parent has the ability to cover the costs.
The courts will consider the genuine needs of the child for support and even if student loans are available the court may still rule that the non resident parent must pay. For more information about this you should contact a family law solicitor, most offer free 20 minute consultations.”

I arranged maintenance via the CO, a friend arranged it for her DD whilst she was doing A Levels via a solicitor. After this the DC have to apply

OP
I am sorry that you and your dc are still suffering manipulation and abuse from a powerful, rich, influential man.
He will never change.
I hope you manage to get somewhere with the grandfather.
Hopefully your ds will get his degree and employment and the nightmare will end.
Accommodation costs for university are shocking.

@over50andfab - yes considered all this - x is a cunt and solicitors shafted me - sorry my demeanour is floundering right now as I realise I am still caught in this hell hole! So so many times I have wanted to give up but I’ve kept going - I’ve still got to deal with issues that I am left with as a result of x and his total manipulation of events.

I watched the covert narcissism video linked in another thread - I’m pretty sure I have suffered CPSTD as a result of what I’ve been through.

No chance of X paying me back - hell will freeze over first

I agreed with @larrygrylls, you and your children only have financial control to the extent that you let him. You’ve had multiple threads about his shitty behaviour, could you truly not have anticipated that he’d make things difficult yet again? Yes I know it’s shit, and I know you shouldn’t have to, but I’d honestly be making my own plans to cover costs, not approaching him for money, and certainly not giving him the satisfaction of seeing you angry or upset. Anything that he does come up with can be treated as a bonus. If he’s doing this to control you and for sport then you need to remove the opportunity for him to do it at all.
I’ve been there, I know it’s hard but you have to try and stop giving him the satisfaction of rising to his attempts to goad you.

@Shouldbedoing

Thank you for your support

And @endofthelinefinally -

I’ve deliberately kept my username the same so that my posts can be traced - even though I know it’s possible X is still reading

My mood has just dropped yet again - if I didn’t have to take DS today I probably would not get out of bed -

The only way this will end is if kids go no contact with him - there are so many future life events that he will do his best to screw up!

Right at the start he kept saying kids and me are separate - I could never get my head round this - I expect he is seeing that no we are not separate - Infact the more he tries to destroy this bond ironically the stronger we become!

I told kids I could no longer support them financially when we got to this stage

What does that mean? Do you work or can you downsize if both kids are off to uni and staying there? I agree your ex sounds like a complete bastard who doesn’t deserve kids, but you need to stop expecting anything from him and find another way. You could go with the children to see the ex in laws and ask directly if they could help their grandchildren without going through exH any more...but I think you will only really get your strength from being completely free of that man and his money.

Exactly what Gilead said! I’ve been there too - paid the DC school fees, uniform etc.

Just before I started divorce proceedings and we were still living in the same house, due to x’s earnings, DC1 could only get minimum loan. This meant I paid for all accommodation costs in the 1st year. X on an advance request grudgingly agreed to pay £100 towards freshers week - and even then only had £60 on him and expected me to pay the rest (I didn’t - he found a cash machine). This was the sum total of his contribution to DC1 during uni - £100.

However everything that has happened means that my DC are now very independent and can stand on their own 2 feet. And it is their choice on whether they have contact with their dad.

You need to stop contacting him OP. Let it be between your DC and him, or in the case of the (beneficiary I am guessing?) trust between the DC and their grandfather. Above all, stop having any expectations where your X is concerned. All it does is continue to stoke the fire and give your X satisfaction.

@GileadWivesAreFashionIcons

I’ve been telling the kids for months that once they get to 18 I will no longer be able to support them financially - if you’ve read my threads you will know that I have issues with how I am going to fucking support myself never mind them.

I have tried for months to guide them in their conversations with their DF - I’m not party to these I normally only get called on when the communication they have with him goes tits up and he has let them down again.

I expect they can’t really take on board that their father is a cunt - who can whatever age but this is basically where they need to get to. They are doing their best to support themselves financially - they have done fucking amazing given the shite of the last five years.

I don’t give a shit if he sees that this upsets me or makes me angry - unlike him I am emotional but I am real - and I am certainly not approaching him for money - his money is blood stained - why the fuck would I want this?

But kids are separate he said - they still need financial support as indicated by a lot of posters on here - just because they are 18 they don’t suddenly overnight land on their own two feet - this is where the law is a complete farce - chop and change the rules depending on what?

Yes he’s doing this for control and probably for sport - bad guy behind closed doors but in front of OW - how much will he spend in ikea today - most of what ds needs I can probably cobble together from here but X will want to make a big show of providing for his kids! So he can crack on

I’m sorry for my language - my mood is low again - I’m tired of having to defend myself and explain myself away - i need to get up

For those that understand this - well I’m sorry because it probably means you have had some pretty tough shit too - but thankyou - it means a lot that I can get support from total strangers yet someone I was married to for 20 years ......

Right at the start he kept saying kids and me are separate - I could never get my head round this - I expect he is seeing that no we are not separate - Infact the more he tries to destroy this bond ironically the stronger we become!

Actually I agree with him. Issues between ex spouses can be very different than between parents and their DC. You are trying to present a united front in a battle between you and the DC against your X. Perhaps from now on take yourself out of it and let it be your DC that discuss all this finance stuff with their dad.

And of course you can still have the bond with your DC, but let them tread their own paths with their dad and make their own decisions now.

@Isadora2007 no I don’t work - and yes I’m downsizing - moving over 200 miles away

Just to make this clear I HAVE NO COMMUNICATION WITH X - I have emailed GRandfather but I expect he will say I am harrassing him - did this during divorce after he came to me - then turned on me - like father like son!

Whoever said find out about kids trust thing - I tried - I know nothing about it set up between X and GF

I expect GF to say no - why because he’s a cunt too

Kids need to forget about this - it’s a carrot attached permanently to a string requiring them to jump through never ending hoops !

I know someone in a similar situation to you greenberet. Married for 20 years to a man who clearly used her to further his career.
Very rich, influential family.
She had cancer and lots of surgery. 3 times.
He has his own company, 6 properties, offshore bank accounts, he kept his OW abroad the whole time he was married.
He stopped maintenance when dc was 18 and his contribution to university was a lap top.
His lawyers were people he went to school and university with.
He stood in court and told the judge he expected my friend (still on chemo), to go back to work FT.
There is no hope of ever reasoning with men like this.
My friend did get through it. The DC got their degree, is now married to a lovely partner and has a good career.
You have done so well to get this far.

So so many times I have wanted to give up but I’ve kept going

Well done, op.

My dad is exactly as you deceive your ex. I have nothing to do with him now I’m an adult.

@over50andfab - no I am not trying to present a united front - I have done what I needed to do - I do not engage with X - this is kids doing it themselves - I’m trying to get them to deal with him themselves but he plays them too - plays on their emotional well being - but I am not going to let him fuck them over too!

Right now both kids need unconditional support - they are entering a new phase in their lives which is daunting but also exciting - I am exhausted - yet he chooses to play games !

@endofthelinefinally - your poor poor friend - I believe in karma - so glad she is happy now and her kids succeeded - thankyou xx

*describe not deceive

@AmateurSami- so sorry you have had to deal with this - you know I’m of the persuasion that kids always need both parents - despite the X’s fuckwittery I encouraged the contact - yet I guess there comes a point when you have to question how much you are prepared to put up with - it is not my decision to make - I will try and equip them with the skills to deal with his behaviour that is all I can do now - the rest is up to them x

Sorry you and your dc are struggling. I was a LP and my ex never paid anything except a few £ monthly in the less than year he saw ds aged 6-7. As soon as he did pay he started trying to control what it was spent on so I was happy when he decided he was stopping it. I put ds through school with a bursary and he took out full loans at uni. I supported him with food and accommodation in the holidays but he knew not to ask for money as I didn’t really have much. He has debt but he is the most practical with money and career driven of his peers whose parents all help them out.
I see your situation is different as you were married long term, but he is manipulating you all and you are buying into it. I also believe it’s ok to tell your kids how it is (objectively) re his behaviour.

Sorry you had to go through this too myidentity

Yes he is manipulating us all - I am not buying into it - I am trying to detach but I cannot turn round to my kids and say sorry you are 18 now my involvement ends - they need to get on their feet - they have both shown what they are capable of - and I’m bloody proud of them.

I will always support them to the best of my ability whether that is emotional or financial - isn’t that a parents role?

Of course it’s your role to support them, but if you don’t have the funds you can’t and that is what the loan is to cover. If you do have the means, I would give it and not be shy about explaining that in my opinion their DF is also responsible for supporting them emotionally and physically but he seems to see things differently. Without malice of course.

I hope the kids can find put when they get their inheritance and are able to detach anyone else’s control over it. It seems odd that they haven’t got it now being 18 or over.

I was advised by a solicitor whilst making my will., that inheriting money at 18 is a bad idea as the still very young person can say 'Sod Uni, I'm off to travel the world and you can't stop me!" Or similar. However, if the inheritance is due at age 25 they can still apply to the Trustees early for sensible requests like a car or Uni fees etc

AgentJohnson, I chose to walk away from any maintenance ever too. Not worth the control, the price we'd have paid, the stress and anger of it never turning up etc. It's sometimes an option. Not always easy but can bring huge peace of mind.

So he’s managed to piss off Dd - been off to Ikea with OW and bought her one of these kitchen packs - she doesn’t want it - says won’t use half the stuff and told him to take it back.

This is what she says to me - want to feel grateful but it’s just pissed me off him taking control taking all the fun away & going to IKEA with her & not us

she will buy stuff as she needs it - she has had nothing to do with OW and never will - she has told him not to buy anything else - his answer is “we won’t” - this just makes her more pissed off

This is what she has to deal with - apparently he has done her a list of what she needs - she has added to it - vodka 🤣🤣

I’m in bed today can be arsed to get out