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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told me he’s been having an affair

307 replies

QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:27

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

OP posts:
madeofstarlight · 15/08/2019 18:30

I'm so sorry, OP. Thanks for you. I would take some time to think for the time being as your head will be all over the shop from the shock. Don't try and make any big decisions right now but I would take a look at all your options. Again, so sorry this has happened to you, it's awful.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/08/2019 18:31

Why are you the one worrying about picking up the pieces and trying to keep your family together? He's the one will all of that to do surely?

Justmuddlingalong · 15/08/2019 18:32

*with

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:33

Thank you, I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I actually feel physical pain, I didn’t know this was possible.

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HollowTalk · 15/08/2019 18:35

Why the hell did he feel he had to tell you all that? Why didn't he just end the affair and work on his marriage without saying a word?

What happened at 4 pm? Were you arguing? Had you noticed something was wrong? Or was he unable to sleep because he had a guilty conscience?

MikeUniformMike · 15/08/2019 18:36

Oh QueenBing. Here's a big hug for you.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:36

I don’t know how he’ll do it though. If I kick him out, that’s him getting the easy way out. I’m then left to answer the kids’ questions, mop up tears, deal with the inevitable behaviour etc. I don’t know what I want him to do. I’m all over the place. It’s on him to make me feel secure again but I just don’t know anything any more.

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Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:37

HollowTalk I’d got up to go for a wee(!) at 4am and he told me to put my light on and then he just blurted it out.

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Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:38

He said he needed to tell me out of respect for me and I deserved to know.

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BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/08/2019 18:40

Well, for a start he should never interrupt your sleep just so that he can ease his conscience again. It sounds trivial given the hugeness of the revelation, but it's abusive to deprive you of sleep that you need just because he can't sleep. It's a small indicator of how his needs come first and your needs just fit into the gaps left.

Take as much time as you want. He has done what he has done, don't let him push you into carrying on as if nothing has happened. This is a good time to take some space and think about what you want. What would need to change for you to consider carrying on with the marriage. Him not shagging other women, obviously, but I'm sure that there are other things too. Would you need him to change job, for instance?

Redred2429 · 15/08/2019 18:41

You need to do what is best for you and your kids op I would speak to a lawyer even if you do want to work on things just so you know where you stand

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:41

As they work together I’ve told him that I need him to start looking for another job. We’re both teachers so I’ve told him to get Looking now.

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Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 15/08/2019 18:42

Hi Op

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I have been through similar and it's like nothing else.

What he did was undeniably wrong. He shouldn't get off lightly. However the vast majority of men who do this deny deny deny and do whatever then can not to get found out. In all of my years on MN I have only seen very few people offer up the information or tell the truth.

My advice to you would be to ask him to move out and give you some space for a few days / weeks to give you a chance to think. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions and reality see what his actions have / or could have lost him to really appreciate the scale and seriousness of what he has done.

Even if you know right now you want to make a go of things , still do this. He won't be going anywhere.

Then if you let him move back in then he has to agree whatever you need to do to get things back on track. Being as remorseful as humanly possibly, being willing to talk and taln and talk about it as much as you want to, go to counselling if you ask him to.

If he really wants to make it work then he needs to show you by his actions and if just by his words. It's only by doing this that you will see how hard he's going to have to work to regain your trust.

I do think it's possibly to rebuild things after an affair, however how he try's to make amends over the the coming days , weeks and months are of huge significance.

Good luck

NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 18:42

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
That pain is normal and it will pass eventually. Your body is in shock and stress mode. I agree it's not a good time to be making big decisions. If he's not already mostlyout the door then I expect he's hedging his bets and hoping that you'll both do the 'pick me' dance and have a kind of competition to see who gets to keep him. Please don't do that.
The most important thing now is to secure your finances. If you have a joint account either take at least half the money out or transfer it to your name. Ditto savings.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:42

I’ve thought about legal advice in case I do decide to split to see where I stand financially.

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Rainycloudyday · 15/08/2019 18:42

No, he needed to not have an affair out of respect for you. What a twat. Sending you Flowers and reiterate PP’s advice not to do anything quickly. Take your time to get your head around this and consider your options. And watch very carefully how he is behaving-that will tell you all you need to know about whether he is genuinely remorseful and regretful. Any HINT from him that you just need to pipe down and get over it, you need to show him the door once and for all.

Horehound · 15/08/2019 18:43

There's a reason he told you. Was she threatening to tell you?have you seen any correspondence between them?

Crabbitstick · 15/08/2019 18:45

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You will be in shock and sure to come are phases of anger, sadness etc
First thing is remember you don’t need to make any decisions today, this week, this month.
You are not there to make him feel better (because that might come).
Can you get space this weekend? Either on your own or without the kids?
Is there a spare room/sofa he can sleep on?
Take time to process your thoughts and think about what you need.
In time figure out what you might need to rebuild trust. Talk about what issues were there in your marriage before this.
Can you see a shared vision of a future together?
Couples can come back from this but it takes a lot of time and work.
I’m sorry he’s done this to you 💐

NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 18:45

Also I'd suggest booking yourself into a hotel for a couple of nights and leave him to see to the kids. You need chance to think.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:47

Don’t worry, finances are secure!!

There will be no pick me dance, believe me. He texted her this morning and said they were over, he’d told me everything and he wanted to be with me and his family and put things right. She then rang him, asked why he’d told me, he said I deserved to know, she said he was full of shit after everything he’d said to her (they’d said they loved each other, after 3 weeks ffs). He told me straightaway. Then she phoned him a further 3 times screaming down the phone.
He also shagged her without a condom so as added humiliation I also need an STI test.

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NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 18:47

And remember you won't know the half of it yet. Cheaters deny, minimise and blame shift. Assume you only know a tiny fragment of the truth at this point.
He's not on your side.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:54

She wasn’t threatening to tell me as far as I know. They have met up 3 times during the school holidays to shag each other in hotels with money we were going to use on a little family holiday. He told me he was helping his friends build sheds. (He’s fairly handy.)

I think I know almost all of it. He’s answered every question I’ve put to him and the answers have cut me like a knife. He is genuinely remorseful now that he’s had his fun and he realises what he could lose.

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NomDeQwerty · 15/08/2019 18:54

If he tries to make out she's a crazy woman , that's minimizing and blame shifting. Have none of it.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/08/2019 18:54

Sounds like she was becoming nasty. By telling you he clears his conscience. Putting the responsibility onto you. When the shit hits the fan with her, which it sounds is already happening, you'll back him up. He's a spineless prick by the sound of things. 💐

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:57

She turned up at our house and got pissed (pre affair) then they came to my school to drop something off for me. She humiliated me in front of my colleagues, I’d just got back from a difficult residential trip, I was exhausted and the following day he started texting her to start the affair.

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