Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

Just wanted to send you lots of love and strength - couldn't just read and not say something. I've been through similar and I know the pain. I felt so trapped because of the children. I have no advice, except to say it takes a lot of time. There are no easy answers, I'm afraid. I remember in amongst the pain, just feeling so fucking disappointed that he was like that, when I'd thought we were so different from other couples, each other's best friends, etc. Biggest disappointment of my life, I can honestly say. Best of luck to you x

Wow he sounds really slutty.

Thanks Cheese. This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. I feel trapped because of the kids, they haven’t asked for any of this, and I thought we had a good thing. I’m disappointed in him and the fact he’s actually so selfish. It’s just been my birthday and he shagged her just before and just after. Nice.

He loved the attention, he says.

Urgh god. Kick him out. How disgusting.

I’d be booking myself in for a STI check pronto

He lied to your fave and shagged another woman behind your back.

He's no loss op.

He's absolutely disgusting. I hope you're making him sleep apart from you tonight. I would tell her husband but then I'm the vindictive sort who would also phone her up and give her dogs abuse even though it would achieve nothing.

Apparently they talked about being together but said it wasn’t the right time with the kids being so young and it would be really hard with our son having additional needs. So I asked him if he was intending on carrying on this affair until they were older??? He said no and he just hadn’t thought things through. He hasn’t thought at all. He’s thought about himself and sex and getting some attention. All the while I’m the mug at home running the house and dealing with bickering kids. I’m so angry. I can’t calm down. I can’t even cry.

It could be that she'd started threatening to tell you, and he decided to get in first. As pps have said, you never know everything that's happened.

I’m not saying you can never forgive. Maybe some people can, maybe I could. I don’t know. But that’s a horrible little tale. Feels so calculated. And as a teacher who’s married to a teacher there’s no way that wasn’t brewing before the holidays. Both scumbags.

If it were my husband I would throw him out and let him sweat for a few days, even if I intended on reconciling.

I have thought about telling her husband but thinking about how I feel I don’t want to put anyone else through this.

I'm so sorry, op. Only you can decide what you're going to do, but he would already be out the door if I were in your position. You will never ever be able to trust him again.

Didn't want to read and run, not got any different advice from the PP, but I hope you have the real life support to help you through this time, and you and the kids deserve the world of happiness

Thing is, if I throw him out I’m left picking up the pieces with the kids and why the fuck should I be cleaning up his mess?
So apparently they got to know each other and “clicked” and then feelings grew. God I feel sick writing it.

She sounds a right piece of work, to be honest.

Thing is, if I throw him out I’m left picking up the pieces with the kids and why the fuck should I be cleaning up his mess?
Although in staying with him, it sounds like you will be doing that too. Without the benefit of security and peace of mind.

In my opinion, there was the start of an emotional affair before the end of the summer term. After all, he started working there in May and by the middle of July, ie. the last day of term, they were good enough "friends" that she was able to come round to your house while you were out at work, get wasted and cause a massive scene. So two months after him starting work at the school they were in this situation.
Then a day after this he texts her and they start their affair.

Oh and he shagged her without a condom. What a complete sleazebag.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I definitely wouldn't tell her husband though in case the hitting her thing is true. You'd feel awful if he put her in hospital or worse. It wouldn't benefit your situation anyway.

I'm so so sorry for you. Your husband does sound genuinely remorseful. He's behaviour has been appalling but humans are humans and make mistakes. It will take a long time to heal if you decide to stay. A very long time to gain the trust again. The ball is in your court though it seems. Whatever YOU choose to do needs to be the right thing for YOU.

Don't listen to others on here who are able to confidently predict your future if you stay. Human beings are complex individuals and everyone's situation is different

Oh love, I don't really know what to say but I'm holding your hand

You picking up the pieces is exactly what's going to happen, regardless of what you do. It's unavoidable.

Lots of people do better as single parents than in ruined marriages OP. But I completely understand how terrifying it is. I reconciled out of fear. Until years later he was back at it online. But I do understand.

If they didn't use a condom OP there's always a risk of her being pregnant too...

Sorry OP

He is an absolute douchebag.

I agree with PP - make him leave, give yourself some headspace, this is massive

Oh and I'd tell her husband too, not always popular on MN I know but fuck it, I would.
Why should she face no consequences?

Also let her H know what a complete slag he's married to, let him make a decision about whether he wants to stay with her.

Give yourself some time to process this, get some legal advice anyway and make sure he can't get his mitts on the joint account

Thank you all again. I’m so grateful for all your replies. Yep, he is disgusting. No condoms. He thought it was fine because he’s had a vasectomy. Ffs. I went to the clinic today but I’m too early to get tested so I’m booked in to get tested when it’ll show things up. He got tested today, I insisted on it.