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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told me he’s been having an affair

307 replies

QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:27

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

OP posts:
Banjodancer · 15/08/2019 20:37

Does he have a parent or friend he could go and stay with for a while - or do you, come to that, just to get some space from him to process your feelings.
Is he in mid-life crisis territory?

beccarocksbaby · 15/08/2019 20:37

Google limerance it'll explain a lot, and get him to look it up to and realise what a fucking idiot he is

MommaJP · 15/08/2019 20:40

Problem is you can try work on it but can you trust him again?
How many times will this be used in an argument ??
Depends on you if you can be happy.

So sorry 💗you deserve better

AnnonniMoose · 15/08/2019 20:41

So sorry about what you're going through OP.

For me, that would be the end. No second chances. If someone disrespects you enough to do that to you, then they get no chance to do so again.

Eddmr · 15/08/2019 20:48

I'm so sorry that he has done this to you and your children. I know the pain. When people say they are heartbroken, I know how they feel. The pain was a physical one in my heart. I don't think that there is any coming back from an affair. You won't be able to trust him. Your self-esteem will be through the floor. That pain will continue. He has broken your circle of trust and it's not up to you to fix it. He should have thought about the damage he was doing to his family before he was balls deep in her. No yellow cards here. It was a straight red and although it's been hard, I would have been disrespecting myself to take him back.

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 20:48

I will look up limerance. I’ve told him that IF we do work through this, there will be no second chances. One more fuck up and he’s gone. But that’s a big “if” because I can’t decide on anything right now. My head is a mess.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 15/08/2019 20:53

If her husband is violent then there are other people you could notify due to the kids being there. Karma and all that.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 15/08/2019 20:57

Remember, he only confessed because he had cold feet about leaving and knew she would go nuts when he ended it with her and expose everything.
Lots of men get cold feet when reality bites, it doesn’t change their feelings for that person or their character.

sofato5miles · 15/08/2019 20:57

Isn't limerance unrequited love?

managedmis · 15/08/2019 21:00

He's not the sharpest is he? Can't get an std with a vasectomy? What else doesn't he realise?

She sounds rough as arseholes tbh. Which leaves a lot to be desired from your H

Original poster
QueenBing · 15/08/2019 21:06

I’ve just spoken to him, told him to google limerence. He says a lot of it resonates. He’s just fallen for the flattery and he’s not given me or the kids a second thought.

OP posts:
beccarocksbaby · 15/08/2019 21:10

@sofato5miles not really no a bit more complex than that in this context...

This explains it well ... letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/limerance/

Limerance is infatuation. That feeling if you have a crush. The feeling that makes you blush when they smile at you, the rush of happy hormones when you’re around them (the giddy feeling). The constant feeling of wanting them to like you back, even insecurity. Whilst in high school, it’s pretty innocent stuff, but when you’re already married and you start to develop this on a coworker for instance, it gets dangerous.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/08/2019 21:12

Is he taking any responsibility? Him agreeing with the definition of limerence seems as though none of it was his fault. What does he plan on doing to repair your shattered family?

FruitloopBatShitWoman · 15/08/2019 21:12

If his head was turned once it will happen again. Pick you self respect up from the floor. Quite frankly you have not thrown 11 years of marriage away, he did. He does not give a shit about you of your kids, let's not pretend otherwise. You deserve a husband who worships you, not the pos your currently married too. I am angry for you @QueenBing Thanks

joystir59 · 15/08/2019 21:18

Have some time without him OP. Make him leave the house so that you can process your feelings without him being around.

YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2019 21:19

I have thought about telling her husband but thinking about how I feel I don’t want to put anyone else through this

He also needs to be able to have the choice himself what to do. His sexual.health needs checking - she could be given the poor guy anything and he wouldn't know until it was too late

Sorrysorrysosorry · 15/08/2019 21:22

I have thought about telling her husband but thinking about how I feel I don’t want to put anyone else through this

But maybe you could save the next married man she chooses to go after. Are you certain her husband is abusive or is that something she has spun your husband to get his sympathy so he drops his guard & is easier to flatter/go in for the kill?

The thought of ever being physical with him again turns my stomach. How can I get over that?!

I have no idea. I think maybe professional couples counselling-even if it’s just a couple of sessions- would be the best start to see IF you can actually go on with the relationship. It’s one thing saying you don’t want to tear your family apart but it’s another being able to accept him in your bed again.
One day at a time I imagine. Flowers

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 21:32

OP you’re being a shit ton more dignified about this than I would be. What an absolute bastard. Sounds like classic mid-life crisis material and falling for bullshit flattery! Some men really are twats!

I will say there is a lot I could forgive, more than most but I couldn’t forgive this! It’s such a betrayal. But if you do decide to give it another go you make him God damn work for it!! Make him sweat!!! Everything from now is on your terms. You’re calling every shot!!!

Additionally, I agree with a few PPs that the husband of that skank should be told. It’s not his fault.

Sleepyhead19 · 15/08/2019 21:36

This happened to me except I found out by seeing the photos. After 3 years , we still live together but he's never made it up to me after the hell he put me through. I thought we might be getting on better and now I'm expecting (another story lol) but he never wanted it. You are a different person to me, but years on, I wish I had kicked him out there and then and not put myself through it. He's made me feel awful and worthless ever since. Don't let your husband stay unless you are sure he is genuinely sorry and will be faithful from now on. Don't ever let him make you feel it's your fault either.

PrimroseDot · 15/08/2019 21:37

So sorry you are going through this. I’m 4 months along from finding out about my DH’s 3 month affair with a colleague. I have never felt pain like it. We are trying to work through it but is really hard, I think it would have been easier to walk away.
He didn’t leave, which actually meant he saw exactly what he did to me and how broken I was.
Concentrate on you, get through each day at a time would be my advice.
I would also tell the OW husband- why should she get away it. He deserves to know and why should you have to keep their secret. I felt better feeling everyone what a scum bag my husband behaved like. I have tiny moments of sadness that everyone knows I’m now with a cheating rat but it makes me feel stronger knowing that I don’t have to keep any of his dirty little lies to myself

Zuma76 · 15/08/2019 21:39

I cannot add anything to the kindness and support shown by the MN community. All I would say is in my very limited experience, children and very resilient and manage change much better than we expect. Don’t stay with someone who cannot trust because of the children. If he is decent he will accept if you’ve want to separate and bear an equal responsibility on settling the children. Think about yourself and whether you could get over this genuinely. I don’t think I could

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/08/2019 21:50

He's a misogynistic prick, doesn't respect you nor her - look how quickly he was happy to ditch her despite spinning her a load of lies too. If his story is to be believed, she was in a vulnerable state and he used it as an opportunity to lay more groundwork to get in her knickers by white knighting her. He's a creep as well as a cheat. And thats not talking about what he did to you including taking risks with your health, unbelievably selfish.

I wouldn't be surprised this has been going on for much longer, they had a great opportunity whilst you were on a residential. And agree with PPs that she probably threw an ultimatum at him and him telling you was damage control.

Plus moving schools won't work, you won't know if he'll still be on the look out for another woman/women to fuck.

Agree with PPs to go at your own pace. So sorry he did this to you Flowers

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/08/2019 21:52

Oh and getting your DC to meet and spend time with her was sick and cruel.

AlongTheWay · 15/08/2019 21:54

If I kick him out, that’s him getting the easy way out.

Haven't read the rest of the thread but a couple of things from the first page stood out. Kicking him out isn't the "easy way out" getting over it, letting it slide and letting him have his cake and eat it too is the easy way out. Basically he went off and had his fun, now it's over he's told you and then gets to continue life with his family from now on. Little consequence for his actions. Being kicked out and having to start over is the hard thing, having his fun then losing everything as a result is a consequence.

This makes it hard on you, you're the one who has to live with the distrust. I am 15 years post affair and it ruined my life. If I had kicked him out then and there I was still young, could have made a life for myself but no, I pushed on and live my life with distrust, anxiety, depression etc hindsight, it wasn't worth it and I'd hate anyone else to do what I did and ruin their lives.

tell me out of respect for me

How big of him. Respect for you would have been keeping his dick in his pants and being loyal... But by saying this he will think it looks like he cares and is remorseful. At this point he'll say what he has to in order to keep his comfy life.... It will be up to you if he gets what he wants out of it or not but by keeping him around, you will be the one who's life has turned upside down, not his.

wheatnotchaff · 15/08/2019 21:59

I haven't read all the replies, just your comments. First, I am so sorry for your pain. I am probably going against the grain here but this has happened to me. I separated from my husband when I found out. He never came clean initially and I had to drag details out of him for weeks. It wasn't until later, he became truly remorseful. The continuing lies was just as painful as the sexual betrayal. Those lies did a lot of more harm.

There's a lot to be said about your husband coming clean.

Wishing you strength and peace. I found God through my trials.