Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

Op please don’t let him back in your life, he is disgusting. He remind me of my ex who threatened to kill himself and sent me photos of him cutting his wrist and threatening to stab himself with a nail gun after he admitted to using a prostitute and I broke up with him. He is threatening to stab himself in the stomach to evoke pity from you. He is not your responsibility and you should cut him loose you deserve better. He is trying to make himself a sympathetic characters with all of his histrionics.

Sounds like a sex addict - I’m no expert - some believe it, some people don’t - Paula Hall has a website. No excuse but may be just a reason he’s behaved like this.

Doesn’t help how you feel, big hugs to you.

I really hope you do not go back to him. These cheaters are all the same. He's now trying to make himself out to be a victim. Don't fall for it. He'll say he has a sex addiction, depression, stress. It's all bullshit. Please get yourself checked out sexually. He's been lying so no telling where he's put it about.

At this point I would say no more confessions, you won’t hear him because you consider him a dead person. Completely close the door on him and protect your heart. He’s been utter utter shit to you, you’ve done so well so far and kicking him out must have been so hard but I think you know you don’t have an honest future with this dog.

All the best to you

To find yourself in this situation with someone you’ve shared decades with and to suddenly see them as a stranger... it’s a shock to the system. Hour by hour, day by day at the moment is how you will cope. You will get thru this. He is a weak pathetic individual who has compromised his family for his selfish desires.

take it moment by moment. Your emotions will be up and down and that’s absolutely fine. You have done nothing to deserve the situation you’re in. Life will get better for you just take it slowly.

WTF!!!! You've done the right thing. Why has he suddenly decided to confess all of this to you? I hope your feeling ok

Massive hugs for you. And flowers.

So a couple of hours after the last message I posted, my husband took an overdose and ended up in hospital. He’s since been moved to a psychiatric hospital and he’s been there a couple of days. They asked him to go to a group therapy session for addicts and his nurse told him it would be useful for him. There were people addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex. When he spoke to his nurse he said he recognised a lot of the feelings and impulses the addicts were talking about and he’s joined a group now for when he leaves hospital, possibly next week. He’s going to move in with a friend when he’s released but I’ve said I’ll support as much as I feel able during his recovery from whatever this is. Despite everything he’s done to me and our family, he’s still someone I once loved and had children with and I need to make sure he gets back on his feet for them. He’s well and truly hit rock bottom and the gravity of what he’s done has finally hit him and he’s finally taking responsibility. It’s going to be a long, long process for him but I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn’t sort himself out it’ll be the last he sees of me and any contact with the kids will be supervised while he’s this person. The kids haven’t seen him in person since Monday and they’re suffering so the hospital are letting them come in this afternoon with me and we’re going to have tea together. When he’s released, I’m going to supervise all contact and it’ll all be on my terms while he’s still not 100%.
I don’t think any of this has hit me fully yet, I think I’ve cried twice. I’m trying to keep occupied with practicalities and making sure he is accepting all help offered.

Oh op how awful, be careful about being too emotionally available as a crutch for him. He may well be quite unwell but that doesn’t negate how his behaviour has devastated you and you aren’t responsible for fixing him. I understand you want to support him for the kids but be kind to yourself as well. Is there anyone else in your family who could supervise access? It would easier for you and less likely that the dc will start to hope that this can be fixed if they aren’t seeing you together.

I’ve told the kids he’s got an injury (he’s hurt his back) and that’s why he’s in hospital and that when he comes out I need to be there when they see him in case he becomes unwell with it. They understand we’re not together. Unfortunately I don’t have anyone else I could ask to supervise the contact, no one I would trust enough anyway. So for the foreseeable, it’s going to have to be on my terms.

I’m really sorry you are going through all this. Just be careful I’m sure there are many on here (myself included) whose husband has tried to commit suicide and had a mental breakdown when the marriage is over following an affair.

Stay strong and be careful you don’t get drawn too far into his emotional blackmail.

Wow, what a piece of shit. Please don't get sucked in by his supposed "recovery". This is who he is as a person, selfish and disgusting. He's not going to recover from being who he is, he's just going to learn the things he has to say and do to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and falling for more of his bullshit again.

OP, I’m so sorry this has all turned out like this. You are an incredibly strong person. Please, please, be careful about being sucked back in. He’ll do everything to get you back. Blame a “sex addiction”, depression, loneliness, things changed when the kids came along, bla, bla, bla. It’s all a bullshit, predictable script that rotten to the core cheaters trot out. Don’t be his emotional crutch. I really wouldn’t even engage with him if you could avoid it. But please do what is best for your situation. Sending hugs and love. Xxx

Ok so now the focus is off his affairs and now on his recovery. How are you feeling OP? Does he care?

@Evilmorty I have no idea how I’m truly feeling. I’m just numb. It feels like this is happening to someone else. He seems to care how I’m feeling and he keeps saying he’s going to put things right and change etc but it’s words and his words count for nothing. I took the kids to see him yesterday and my daughter was in bits when we had to say goodbye. That hit him hard and I’m pleased it did.

He seems to care how I’m feeling
He couldn't give less of a shit about you or your feelings, as evidenced by him shagging anyone and everyone he could get his penis on. He just wants his comfortable life where you look after the house and kids and he fucks anyone he fancies whenever he likes. He performs caring about you because that's how he's going to get what he wants. Don't be an idiot op, he is not the person you want to believe he is.

So sorry to read your updates op hope you have some rl support

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?pg=1&order=

Hi OP, so sorry to see your last update. I'm amazed by your strength through this and you should be so proud of yourself. I've linked(can't get it clicky!!) to another thread I've followed and thought it might be useful.
Completely different reasons for splitting but the OPs ex "dh" ended up in a psychiatric unit. She dealt with a lot including dealing with the kids and divorce.

There's light at the end of tunnel.

I think he does care very much for you and the children , he was hooked on illicit sex and fantasy, and divorced it from reality and now it has all come crashing down about his ears . Make sure you get lots of support , because I think it is going to be a rocky road, and remember you are not responsible for how wretched he is feeling or what he will be losing x

Bit of an update - he’s being released from hospital tomorrow and he’s been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. The psychiatrist said the thrill seeking was all part of it and the addiction almost to the sex is common with it. It’s not an excuse and I’m still hurt and broken. I’ve been signed off work for a while, I’m in no fit state to be there. He’s moving out tomorrow while the kids are at school and we’re going to sort out official supervised access with the kids. I’m glad he’s getting support. I’ve told a couple of my friends at school now and they’ve been amazing so I’ve got a brilliant network around me now so things seem to be on the up.

Glad you have rl support, it's really important to be able to talk to people and unload, without having to sanitise it for the audience iykwim.

Glad you have support OP
Big hugs ❤️ and just praying that there is nothing else that he can hit you with.

I’ve just read the thread - I can’t believe how strong, level headed and empathetic you sound. I really am in awe of you.
Life can be cruel, but it sounds like you’re already seeing the positives like your support network so well done.
Sending you lots of virtual hugs and support

Have you been on the chumplady website? You'll get a lot of support there from people in the same position.